Magical Repopulation
by GenEus2718
Summary: A magical plague leaves everyone but the students at Hogwarts infertile. To keep the magical world alive, the ministry beings pairing up students and also requiring them to produce children. Harry finds himself paired with Hermione. Rated M for sexual situations and language. Harry/Hermione pairing. Some possible Harry/Multi later on.
1. The New Law

**/:Note:/ Hello, viewers! I'm glad you stopped in. This is my first attempt at writing my own story. I couldn't find any more stories to read, so I decided to write some myself. As I said, this will be my first attempt, so bear with me. Feel free to write nasty little comments about how much you hate it, if that makes your life feel worthwhile. In all seriousness, though, I do appreciate being critiqued, so let me know how I'm doing and how I can improve. Just so you know, this is definitely going to contain adult language (not like poop or butt) and adult situations (not like taxes and mortgages). You've been warned. This first chapter may be a bit boring, but I wanted to establish a setting. You could probably skip it and not miss much. Hopefully the next one will be up soon. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Kudos to you if you actually got this far.**

 ****Legal stuff I don't own Harry Potter JK don't read this and you'll never know yada yada yada poof done****

* * *

"Attention everyone!" The voice of Professor Dumbledore rang throughout the Great Hall. "Please welcome our esteemed guest, Mr. Ran Diyader!" Dumbledore's announcement was met with applause, though not all the students seemed overly excited. A few chuckled, though the aged man was unsure why. Some were clapping wildly, practically bouncing in their seats with excitement, and others seemed anxious. A few even seemed dazed, as if they couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Among this group was the Fifth Year Harry Potter.

"I know some of you are still a bit uneasy about what's to come," Dumbledore continued. Some of the staff looked around sympathetically. "But this is for the best. A lot has changed in a short amount of time, and because of this we need to change as well. If we cannot adapt to the changing of the world, we will soon be lost."

The man introduced as Ran Diyader tapped Dumbledore on the shoulder, and the two conversed momentarily. When they were finished, Dumbledore smiled and backed up a pace. Diyader then moved up to face the student body.

"First off, let me say that I am glad to finally meet you all. You look like a smart, healthy bunch, which is good." Diyader's voice was calming, but one listening carefully could detect something deeper, as if the man were actually appraising the children. "We at the Ministry of Magic know that our recent actions have distressed many. However, if we don't act at all, the future will be much more distressing. There is nothing right now you or I can to change the laws that have been put into place. However, you don't have to think about this as something bad. Think of the future we can build together if all goes well. Think of how you'll all be remembered. Your descendents will remember your generation as the one that saved us all. Plus, I have a feeling you'll all enjoy the process saving our kind quite thoroughly." Diyader paused for a second to clear his throat and then looked around at the students. He smiled reassuringly before continuing.

"The Ministry has sent me here to aid the process of making its recent laws and mandates a reality. But please don't think of me as some bureaucrat or overseer. I'm here to help you all through this. To guide you. To help you. Think of me as the parent who throws his child out the window the get him to use accidental magic".

When Diyader saw his statement had not reassured the Muggle-borns or really even anyone, he added, "or...maybe as a father bird pushing a hatchling out of the nest so it can learn to fly." That seemed to bring out slightly better reactions.

"Anyway, my assistants and I will be meeting with all of you in the near future to discuss your standings and future. Meeting schedules have been posted in all of your common rooms and in the classrooms. I hope to get to know you all better very soon. Good day." With that, Ran Diyader briskly walked out of the Great Hall. The students were left to warily look around at each other and wonder what the next few days would bring.

* * *

Harry Potter walked out of the Gryffindor Common Room feeling more nervous than he had in a long time. Sometimes he missed the simplicity of life when Voldemort had still been around. He'd been in more danger, but at least he'd known what was going on. His name was the Boy-Who-Lived. Voldemort killed Harry's mother and father. Voldemort had better prepare to die. Besides the occasional extremely dangerous activity, life had been somewhat normal. Now Voldemort was gone, and things had changed dramatically.

It had all started when Harry and Cedric had been transported to the graveyard. Cedric had been killed almost instantly, and the traitorous Peter Pettigrew had captured Harry. Harry had been tied up in order to be used in some arcane ritual that would give Voldemort his body back. Harry's blood, Peter's hand, and Tom Riddle Sr.'s bone had all been used. Voldemort's big mistake, though, had been to trust Pettigrew to brew such a complex potion and conduct such a complicated ritual. (The Potions Master of Peter's day, when speaking in private with the staff, had claimed that if he didn't know better he'd say Pettigrew was _trying_ to get himself blown up.)

Voldemort returned, but he didn't stay for long. When the baby Dark Lord had been placed in the cauldron, it started to scream. Harry was still haunted at night by those screams, which were more primal and agonizing than anything he'd ever heard, even Dudley's whining. A figure, dark red and impossibly skinny, had soon emerged from the cauldron. It never stopped screaming throughout. The creature had brought a finger to its left arm, and suddenly it exploded in a cloud of red mist.

The mist rushed past Harry and Pettigrew. Though shaken, the mist hadn't damaged Harry at all. Wormtail was another matter. He started writhing on the ground in agony, and his left arm started spewing out the same mist that had exploded from Voldemort. The mist enveloped Pettigrew for a few seconds before slowly going back into its arm. Then he exploded too. Pettigrew was dead. It took Harry almost an hour to free himself and return to the Triwizard Cup. When he returned, everything had changed.

Apparently, Voldemort and Pettigrew had accidentally created a mutated, magical plague. The initial mist wouldn't have caused too much damage, possibly reaching a few miles away before dissipating. However, when Voldemort had tried to use the Dark Mark, the magical connection it operated through became contaminated. The plague was sent throughout the world, resisting any attempts to stop it or cure it. Dark and Light magical folk alike were infected until every single adult witch or wizard was contaminated.

The symptoms for most were not quite so severe as had been Pettigrew's and Voldemort's. Those two had received enormous levels of the disease, and it had been too much for their bodies to handle. The direct connection to Voldemort and Pettigrew killed all other Marked Death Eaters as well. Around fifty percent of the wizarding community perished somewhat less dramatically after succumbing to disease. All the other adult witches and wizards survived, thankfully.

Interestingly, no underage witches or wizards at Hogwarts were infected. The only staff members to die were ones who had been Marked. Many years later, historians and specialists would argue over the cause. Some attributed the immunity to the use of Harry's blood in the ritual, which protected Harry's one true home from being destroyed. Others hypothesized that the castle itself, and the many wards and old magics within it, had protected the students. Everyone agreed that, whatever the cause, this phenomenon had saved the magical world.

Soon, though, the disease left as suddenly as it had come, and after a mere two months since Voldemort's attempted return, everyone was ready to get back to normal. Then a discovery was made.

It seemed that the plague's symptoms had not been limited to boils, uncontrollable projectile vomiting, and a red mist that enveloped the infected and smelled like sulfur. The wizarding world soon found that all witches and wizards who had been infected were left completely and incurably infertile.

The Ministry of Magic used every available resource to try and fix the problem. All research resources previously used to find a cure were put toward trying to figure out how to keep the magical population in existence.

It was only when Hogwarts letters started going out (the school's students and remaining staff back in reasonable condition) that a few researchers realized the obvious truth that no one else had even considered. Every Hogwarts student was perfectly healthy. No other school had escaped the plague so completely. Something about Hogwarts kept had kept the plague in check. Hogwarts was the perfect place, it seemed, to bring to magical population back into sustainable numbers.

On August 15, the Ministry of Magic released one of the most controversial sets of laws in wizard history. The law ranked students according to their lineage and desired genetic traits. Students with higher rankings would get more privileges since they had the most use. If two students matched well enough genetics and lineage wise, they would be paired up and declared legally emancipated and married. All students would be expected to produce at least one child before a certain deadline.

When they saw the law, parents were outraged and tried to fight the law any way they could. However, they all began to realize that this would be the only way to keep the magical world in existence. Reluctantly, parents had sent their children off to Hogwarts on September 1, knowing that the children who returned to them would be much different than the ones they waved goodbye to as the Hogwarts Express left the station. Students and parents alike were very nervous, knowing that the lives of every student would soon be much different.

* * *

Harry opened the door of the office he had been instructed to go to and was surprised to find Ran Diyader himself sitting inside.

"Ah! Harry! I'm so glad we could finally meet. Please sit down." The office was well furnished and Harry sat down in a nice, gooshy chair that was even more comfortable than it looked. Harry was a bit confused with Diyader's presence and the quality of the room. Ron had said all his meeting consisted of was a note card-reading assistant and a cold, stone bench. He was about to ask Diyader, but the man interrupted before Harry could voice the question.

"No doubt you're wondering why this meeting seems so pleasant," the man remarked gleefully. Harry nodded, and the man continued.

"You see, I'm happy to tell you that you, out of all male students currently eligible, you have received the highest rank! Congradulations!"

Harry was floored. He hadn't expected this. "S-sir? What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, my dear boy, that you are the best candidate that we have to repopulate the magical world!" Diyader was beaming, clearly pleased that he was the one to tell Harry this news.

"But...but I'm a Half-Blood! My mom was Muggle-born. How I could I have beaten Ron, Neville, or even Malfoy?"

Ran Diyader chuckled. "Oh, Harry. The ranking process isn't nearly so simple as blood status. In fact, blood status almost seems to hurt someone's ranking, though there are a few exceptions. Namely the second-ranked male. We based ranks on, among other things, magical potency, physical health and ability, magical and viral resilience, and character. A lot of the purebloods here can barely cast a decent spell,most of the time because they just don't have the willpower or the care to. They accept mediocrity. We don't want all future wizards and witches to have those kinds of traits, do we?"

Harry had to admit that the man had a point. The fewer people in the world like Malfoy, the better.

"Not to mention," Diyader added, "purebloods tend to lack genetic diversity. You can only inbreed for so long before the whole line falls apart. That's where Half-Bloods and Muggle-Borns tend to have the advantage."

Harry nodded. The things Diyader said made sense. Plus, even if they didn't, who was he to complain? Everybody likes to be the best. "So, what does this mean for me?" he asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" Diyader practically jumped out of his chair to get a parcel on a nearby shelf. "This contains everything you need to get you started. It has suggested schedules for your classes, maps to some private locations for **ahem** private business, and the keys to both your quarters and some private broom closets. Your quarters will be located near Gryffindor tower. I believe they were previously used for the Head Boy or Girl, should they happen to be of Gryffindor. We've added a few furnishings, so hopefully you'll find the quarters agreeable. Everything else should be explained through notes or files included with your things."

Harry couldn't help but smile inwardly. This man seemed to bending over backward to make sure that Harry was as happy as possible. He supposed that the man didn't want to anger Harry or make him mad, since then Harry might not go along peacefully with all the plans. He took the parcel and made his way toward the door.

"Oh, by the way Harry" Diyader called. "It just so happens that you and the highest ranked female match quite well. You two will be one of the few good pairs we've found. You'll be sharing the quarters with her. Since you're a pair, technically you two are now legally adults and legally married. And just so you know, some magical rules and wards have been placed. They prevent any female from having sex with a male ranked lower than her, and they prevent any male from having sex with a female ranking higher than him. As the highest ranked male, that means you can pretty much bang anyone you want!"

Diyader gave Harry a very disturbing wink, which Harry hoped to never see again.

"Who's the highest ranked female?" Harry asked innocently, pleading silently that it wasn't Millicent Bulstrode or Eloise Midgen. Diyader only smiled.

"You know, I just can't seem to remember. I suppose you'll find out for yourself."

Harry shook his head and left, closing the door behind him. It always had to be him, didn't it? Ron would have a fit when he heard the news. Maybe they wouldn't declare the ranks of everybody, and Harry could remain anonymous. Probably a long shot, but maybe he could convince some of the people in charge. It sounded like he already had one girl who he would do...things...with. He didn't want swarms of them coming after him, which now was even more likely.

Harry certainly liked girls. He was, after all, a horny male teenager. However, he didn't like the idea of just doing...things...with every girl he met. What would that do to friendships?

Sighing, Harry continued to follow the directions he'd been given to his quarters. When he reached his destination, he found himself standing in front of a portrait of a banana bunch around the corner from the Common Room entrance. Tentatively, he held out the key to the portrait. Suddenly, one of the bananas stuck out of the painting and grabbed key. The portrait swung open, and Harry was left wondering how he'd get in the next time.

Harry walked up some stairs until he found himself in his new quarters. He had to admit, if Diyader and his staff were trying to bribe Harry through nice stuff, they were doing a pretty good job. Harry explored the quarters and was quite pleased with what he found.

There was (awkwardly) one bedroom, but it was quite large. The bed looked extremely comfy, and it had to be at least a King size. There was a closet in it, filled with nice clothes and robes, that Harry could have was large enough to store an elephant. The bathroom was huge too. It had a large shower, mirrors all around, an intricately carved stone sink, and a large jacuzzi tub. Finally, there was a room similar to main area of the Gryffindor Common Room. It had a fireplace, two comfy-looking chairs, and soft couch, and two desks to use for studying.

After exploring a bit, Harry decided that he needed a bit of relaxation after all the excitement of the day. He sat down in one of the chairs, pulled a red and gold blanket over top of him, and nodded off into dream world.

* * *

Hermione was standing in front of him. For some odd reason, her robes seemed to be much too small. Harry couldn't help but glance at Hermione's smooth, soft-looking legs that her short robes so easily revealed. He wondered what it'd be like to feel them. Red-faced, Harry quickly shifted his gaze to her face. She was smiling happily.

"What's the matter, Harry?"

"I, uh, I was just, well…" Harry could feel a certain bodily appendage growing, demanding to be appeased. Mortified, he tried to shift so that it wouldn't be so obvious.

"Oh. Is it my robes?" Hermione looked down at herself. "I don't like them either. Too tight. Plus they sort of restrict your view of me, don't they?"

With that, Hermione unclasped her robes, letting them fall to the floor and displaying her fully naked body. Harry's eyes slowly moved down from her face to settle upon the two beautiful twins in front of him.

Hermione didn't have huge breasts like Lavender Brown or Susan Bones did. Those, Harry thought, were almost too big. Hermione, though, boasted a pair of nice, perky B-cups. Big enough to be grabbed and squeezed, but not so big that they sagged. Now free of their bonds, her breasts sat serenely in the open air. Her pink nipples, due to the quick change in temperature, were now standing at attention, just asking to be felt.

Harry tore himself away from Hermione's boobs and continued downward. He slowly looked down her smooth abdomen until his gaze settled right between her legs. Cleanly shaven, Harry could only stare at the beautiful, glistening slit that he swore was almost beckoning him to come closer. By now, Harry Junior was fully awake and demanding some attention.

"It looks like you like what you see, Harry," Hermione smiled. "Perhaps you'd like to slip into something more comfortable. Maybe me?"

* * *

 **SLAM!**

Harry practically jumped up in fright, suddenly awakened from what had quickly become one of his best dreams ever. He'd been startled by a slamming noise, probably the portrait slamming closed. It seemed that the girl he'd be sharing the room with was here. Looking down, Harry sighed in relief. The blanked adequately covered his physical response to that amazing dream.

He'd been dreaming more and more of Hermione like that. It felt weird, since she was his best friend, and now he could barely look at her without thinking about her differently. Ever since he came back from the graveyard, he'd started to notice that Hermione was, indeed, a girl!

Sighing, Harry decided to just sit in the chair and wait for his room mate to enter. If he got up, he might show off a little more about himself than he'd like. He listened, hearing footsteps coming us the stairs, trying to figure out when the girl would see him.

"Harry? What are you doing here?"

Standing in the doorway, in her arms a parcel just like Harry's, was Hermione Granger.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Holy crap! This chapter went way longer than I was intending. Don't expect them to all be that long. Sorry if this got a bit boring, but I felt compelled to have some sort of setting and background. Just fyi, the pronunciation of Harry's helper is "Randy Aider." If you cringed while reading that, I'm not sorry. Anyway, I'll try and post the next chapter soon. Hope you liked it!**


	2. Tension Building

"Harry? What are you doing here?"

Standing in the doorway, in her arms a parcel just like Harry's, was Hermione Granger.

"Hermione! Why are you...what...who…" Harry was at a loss for words, both from seeing the girl he had just been explicitly dreaming about and from realizing why she was here. He was paired up with his best friend!

"I met with Mr. Diyader, and he told me I had obtained the highest rank of the girls. Frankly, I was a quite surprised about that, but I'm not going to complain. He also gave me this parcel and some directions that led me here. Why are you in my quarters?" Clearly Diyader hadn't managed to inform Hermione of her pairing, as he had almost done with Harry.

"Well…" Harry searched his mind, trying to find a way to break the news. "It seems the, uh, people in charge decided that...well...they kind of paired us together!" The last part came out a bit rushed. Harry had hoped that maybe the less time he took to say it, the less awkward it would be. He was quite wrong.

"Paired us for what?" Hermione stared at Harry questioningly, not making the connection.

"You know," Harry sighed, squirming uncomfortably, "the law thing. For...doing...stuff"

"Law thing?" Hermione's eyebrows met as she started thinking. "Are you talking about the...oh...you mean we're…"

"Yeah. That." As Hermione figured out what kind of pairing Harry was referring to, Harry could see a slight blush come to her face. He could feel his face growing red too, as both of them contemplated the future. They awkwardly waited for about five minutes (though to Harry it felt like an eternity), not sure what to say or do.

"Well," Hermione remarked, breaking the awkward silence, "at least I'm not paired up with someone like Malfoy."

"One of you would be dead within twenty-four hours!" Harry chuckled.

"I mean, honestly, what would I do if that happened? He hates me as much as I hate him!"

"Maybe, after spending time with one another, you both would come to respect the other, later forming a deep bond of unbreakable love and breath-taking romance." Hermione turned to see Harry grinning innocently at her.

"And maybe Ron will realize how badly the Chudley Cannons suck" Hermione shot back, annoyed.. "Let's just drop the subject of Malfoy altogether." She shuddered, clearly disgusted with the thought of Malfoy and her paired up.

"Have you seen how nice our quarters are?" Hermione remarked, intentionally changing the subject. She started walking around the room. After making sure that his personal basilisk was safely hidden, Harry stood up to look around again too.

"Yeah, they're pretty nice."

"Must be to keep us happy. We are, after all, their most important people." Hermione smiled. "What else did they give us?" she asked, gesturing to the parcels.

"I don't know" replied Harry. "I just looked around a bit before taking a nap."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Honestly, do you want to become Ron?"

"Come on. I'm not that bad yet!"

"Not if I can help it!" Hermione walked over to one of the desks opened her parcel, carefully taking out items and sorting them into neat little piles. Harry decided to open his, too, by opening it up and dumping the contents onto his desk. Inside, he found quite a few interesting things.

The first thing Harry inspected was a magical map, similar to the Marauder's Map. This one wasn't quite as detailed-it didn't show where every single person was-but it did show plenty of secret passageways, rooms, and cupboards. There were some that Harry was pretty sure didn't even show up on the Marauder's Map. This map seemed to more for finding private places for some fun time instead of general mischief like the Marauder's Map. Harry couldn't help but notice that a few of the more obviously-placed rooms had an "occupied" symbol. Best not to think about who was in there.

Next, Harry found some keys similar to the one he had used to enter his and Hermione's quarters. Those supposedly opened hidden stashes placed within the castle. Harry wasn't quite sure he dared find out what these stashes consisted of.

The rest of the stuff looked like legal papers and other complicated forms. Harry didn't feel like reading all of those at the moment. They were probably just copies of the law, plus legal forms for his and Hermione's emancipation and marriage. On top, however, appeared to be his suggested schedule. It looked like he'd still be going to most of his usual classes. There were a couple new ones on the list, but they weren't starting up for a while. Hogwarts probably still needed to get the teachers for them.

"Harry, have you seen the schedules?" Hermione had just seen the new classes, and began wondering aloud what they would be like. "I'm sure they'll be quite interesting, though I do wish they'd be a bit more specific in their descriptions. A few aren't even named! They're just labeled as a generic class." She continued to muse and rant for a while, with Harry just sitting back and listening to the show. After she had finished, the two noticed that they had nearly the exact same schedule. There were a couple of courses they had different, but for the most part everything was the same.

By the time they had compared notes on the things they had received, it was just about time for dinner. They were almost out the door when Harry remembered something.

"Hermione, how are we going to get back in? The portrait took my key when I first came here."

She gave him a Did-You-Really-Just-Ask-That? look. "Harry, that key that you got is just to identify you as someone allowed to enter. You don't need it to get in. The portrait recognizes you now, so all you have to do is walk up to it and tell it to open. We got a set of instructions with our stuff on using it and setting a password. Did you even read those papers you received? You got even more than I did."

Harry shook his head. "I figured they were all just legal stuff. Besides, that's what I've got you for." Hermione just rolled her eyes as they went down the stairs and through the portrait.

* * *

Dinner was rather uneventful considering all that had happened recently. Harry and Hermione still ate with their fellow Gryffindors, talking about usual beginning-of-the-year topics like activities over the holidays, new classes, and the like.

It seemed that, for now, student rankings and pairings were to remain anonymous. Harry and Hermione had agreed, before coming down for dinner, to keep their pairing a secret for the time being. Neither wanted to have to answer awkward questions or sit through weird conversations. Besides, they already spent so much time together that no one would suspect anything out of the ordinary.

Other paired students appeared to have had similar thoughts. Harry tried to keep alert for mentions of other pairings and rankings, but no one seemed interested in talking about them. He knew from his map that some students were already getting down to business, but it seemed that, in public at least, they still wanted to be normal. Though when he thought about it, students playing "holster the wand" weren't too uncommon really. It was just the circumstances that had changed.

One of the biggest topics of the night was who was going to replace Snape. A lot of people, students and parents alike, had been both surprised and angry about the fact that Dumbledore had hired a Marked Death Eater. People might have been able to understand him hiring the Moody duplicate, since that scheme was well thought out, but Snape hadn't even been a likable teacher. He'd gotten threats and lawsuits even before people learned about his past. Now that he was gone, though, there was nothing anybody could do but wait and hope the replacement was better.

After a relaxing dinner and getting back in touch with friends, Harry and Hermione went back up to their quarters. However, things got awkward again when they realized it would soon be time to go to bed.

"Harry, you don't need to sleep on the couch. The bed is plenty big enough for the two of us!" Hermione sighed, exasperated by Harry's nobility.

"It doesn't matter how big it is," Harry said. "I don't want to impose or do anything I'll regret."

"Harry, I trust you not to do anything like that."

"And I don't want to break that trust. What if turn in the middle of the night? What if I start sleepwalking or doing other...things...in my sleep?"

"Harry, no matter how we act toward each other, even if we never venture further than best friends, except to fill certain quotas," both felt their faces grow warm, "from now on we're legally married. You can't just sleep on the couch or in some other place for the rest of your life!"

In the end, Hermione's logic won out. Harry also had to admit that the couch didn't look near as comfortable as the bed. They both agreed to wear the modest pajamas that they owned. Harry got the bathroom first, and after he was done he went to bed as Hermione took her turn in the shower.

When Hermione stepped out of the bathroom, Harry tried not to stare. She wasn't wearing anything revealing on; she was wearing simply a large grey t-shirt and some red and gold flannel pants. The trouble was, Harry didn't often see Hermione in anything but her robes, which were far too loose and flowing to show off her curves. In the dim light, however, he could see the nice curve of her ass, her hips, and her breasts. Her brown, curly hair was still wet from her shower and left damp spots on her shirt, though not in any interesting places.

" _Shit,"_ Harry thought to himself as he felt a familiar growth in his pants. He tried to inconspicuously turn so that his hardness wouldn't be noticed by Hermione. Unaware of Harry's predicament, Hermione walked over to her side of the bed and turned out the light, moving around a little bit before settling comfortably.

"Good night, Harry," Hermione whispered.

"Night."

"Sweet dreams."

" _Oh please don't let them be_ _too_ _sweet,"_ Harry silently pleaded. " _I don't want to have clean the sheets in the middle of the night."_

* * *

Thankfully, both Harry and Harry Junior slept peacefully and, for the most part, uneventfully. Harry Junior, like most other mornings, was standing at attention when Harry awoke, but Harry was still facing away from Hermione and he had woken up relatively early so all was fine. He solved the problem by taking a nice, cold shower.

When Harry returned, Hermione was up as well. He apologized for waking her up, but Hermione said she normally woke up at that time anyway. If she suspected anything from Harry's early, steam-lacking shower, she didn't mention it.

After they had both gotten dressed, there was still a decent amount of time left before breakfast. Not wanting sit and wait in the room, the two decided to explore a little bit. Hermione was interested in seeing the locations the maps mentioned and the stashes the keys were for. Harry was a bit nervous about what they might find, but he too was a bit intrigued.

They decided to start with one of the stashes, which was located near the Transfiguration classroom. On the way, Hermione wondered aloud what they might find. Perhaps a place for dueling, or maybe some sort of potion ingredients treasure trove. Harry wasn't sure what to expect either, but based on who he had gotten the locations and keys from, things might not be quite what Hermione was expecting..

Finally, the two arrived at their destination: a large painting depicting a nest of baby birds. Harry and Hermione each held out a key, and at once two baby birds snatched up their keys. The portrait opened up, revealing a small hallway.

Harry and Hermione entered, following the hallway until they came to an old, wooden door. With a bit of coaxing, they were able to push the door open together. Hermione cast a quick "Lumos," and both stared in amazement at what they saw. Then Hermione squealed with delight.

In front of them stood about ten shelves of books. Some looked like they had to be hundreds of years old, while others looked like they could have been purchased from Flourish and Blotts less than an hour ago. Hermione scampered off, beginning to skim titles. However, as her eyes traveled across the titles, she began to frown. She also looked to be blushing a bit, though with the odd lighting of the room it was hard to tell.

Figuring he should look at the books himself, Harry went over to a newer-looking shelf and began reading book titles. He soon understood Hermione's odd reaction. Browsing through the books, Harry found some very odd and questionable book titles: A _Nymph takes some Hard Wood, The Mermaid and the Semen,_ and _Sir Ramsalot and the Seven Maidens_.

"You know, Harry," Hermione ventured, "what do you say we move on?"

"Best idea you've had all day," Harry agreed. "Maybe we can check out of those secret passageways. We've still got a bit of time, and there's one on the way."

Hermione nodded and briskly made her way toward the exit. Harry followed close behind. On his way out, though, he caught a glimpse of a book near the door. It was called _The Real Wizard's Duel: A Guide To Polishing Each Other's Wands._ Harry couldn't help but chuckle. He'd already found an anonymous Christmas present for Malfoy. Or maybe Ron. He'd love to see their expressions when they opened it up. Hopefully, in Draco's case, Pansy would be there with him. Maniacally laughing to himself, Harry rushed to catch up with Hermione.

"I can't believe someone would store all those books in there," Hermione wondered aloud. "What's the point? Mr. Diyader gave us those maps and keys. Do you think he expects us to, you know, just sit in there and read? I mean normally I'd be fine with that, but those books just…"

"I think they're just trying to keep us happy, but they don't know how," Harry guessed. "They probably don't know what we'd like, so they're just giving us a...er...wide range of things to do."

"Where's the secret passageway?" Hermione asked.

"Should be just around the corner, through a false wall in the broom closet," Harry replied. "Supposedly it leads a secret room with a one-way mirror into one of the classrooms."

"I wonder what the point of that would be," wondered Hermione.

As Harry and Hermione neared their destination, however, they heard something out of the ordinary.

"Yes, Frank! Right there! Yes! Keep going! Oh my god! Don't stop I'm so, so close!

"That's it, bitch. Keep it up. You like that, don't you! Yeah? You want me to fucking knock you up! Is that right?

"Yes...just don't...keep…please...so…almost...YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!"

"FUUUCCCK!"

Harry and Hermione were too shocked to move. Harry recognized the voice of one of the Ravenclaw Seventh Year guys. Some of the students were definitely enjoying these new laws. Not daring to look Hermione in the eye, his face burning with embarrassment, Harry quickly stammered, "I need t-to use the ba-ba-bathroom. Don't wait up!" Without looking back at Hermione he raced away, desperate to relieve himself.

* * *

After that, Harry and Hermione stayed clear of any passageways or stashes recommended by Diyader. In fact, they tried to avoid most broom closets and other small rooms altogether. As the days went by, students seemed less and less reserved, and now it wasn't uncommon to hear students screaming in the distance.

More than ever, Harry and Hermione tried to stay within their group of Gryffindor Fifth Years. Ron didn't seem to even mention anything, though whenever he heard students talking about rankings or pairings his mood turned a little sour. Harry got the feeling that Ron didn't quite agree with how the Ministry had ranked him.

Neville, on the other hand, seemed more confident than ever this year. He was starting to do better in a lot of his classes, especially Potions. That might have had something to do with the new Potions Master, Horace Slughorn. Without his worst fear, Snape, watching over his back, Neville was able to correctly brew every assigned Potion. He'd set a new personal record of zero explosions in the first week of school. Harry wasn't sure if Neville had been ranked highly or was just growing up, but he did notice that Neville and his Herbology partner, a Hufflepuff named Hannah Abbot, seemed to be on very friendly terms.

Since there hadn't been any Quidditch the last year, everyone was determined to make up for the loss of time. Angelina Johnson had already started training, and Harry had workouts and practice in the evenings. Even though Harry was still in decent shape, thanks to lots of flying during the summer, he still found the workouts quite tiring. Oliver Wood was gone, but it seemed his drive for total Quidditch obsession was still lingering around.

Things with Hermione were hard to describe. Both Harry and Hermione, by unspoken agreement, had decided to never mention what the heard inside the broom closet. Things were awkward enough between them, especially with the recent heat wave. Normally the castle didn't get too hot, and Harry wondered if Diyader and his assistants were trying to affect the clothing of witches. In the case of Hermione, much to Harry Junior's delight, it was working.

"It's not like it's a big deal or anything, Harry" she had explained to him a few nights ago. "We'll be underneath the sheets anyway, so it won't be any different. We can even turn the lights out before slipping into bed. I just can't keep wearing these hot pants to bed. If I do, I won't be able to sleep at all!"

After that, Hermione and Harry stopped wearing pants to bed. Just the thought of Hermione in bed with only her knickers covering her lower regions, showing off her ass and legs even more, made Harry's basilisk more active than ever.

Harry tried many methods: reminding himself she was his best friend, thinking about what she would say if she knew, and even trying to pretend that it was Ron on the other side of the bed. Nothing worked. Harry Junior, now restricted only by Harry's boxers, pitched his tent and demanded intense handling. Harry made absolutely sure that he was as far away from Hermione as possible at night.

* * *

On Thursday night, Harry had a long essay due the next day that he had to write for McGonagall. Stupidly, he'd put the work off off until the night before. If he had expected any pity from Hermione, he was disappointed.

"It's your own fault for not doing it until now. I know you've had Quidditch training, but there's still been plenty of time to do it. I'm going to bed."

After hours of grueling research, writing, editing, and revising, Harry finally finished writing the essay. There wouldn't be time in the morning for Hermione to proof-read it, so he made sure to find every error that there was. By time he had cleared off his desk, it was almost one in the morning.

Exhausted both physically and mentally, Harry quickly changed into his "pajamas" before diving under the covers and falling into a deep sleep. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), Harry forgot to put a pillow between himself and Hermione. He also forgot to place himself as close as he could to the bed's edge.

* * *

"Harry!" Hermione whispered.

"Whu...is it...still dark...why" Harry, confused after being partially woken up, had no idea what was going on.

"Harry!" Hermione whispered more loudly this time, fully waking Harry.

"What is it, Hermione? If this is about the essay, I finished it. You don't have to nag me."

"It's not that. It's...um...well...Harry, you're kind of poking me." She shifted a bit, which felt nice.

" _Wait,"_ Harry thought, " _why does that feel good?"_ Harry's eyes widened in fright, realizing for the first time that his basilisk was resting contently against Hermione's lower back, no doubt hoping to discover the real Chamber of Secrets.

"Oh fuck! I mean, no, not that, just, well, crap!" Quickly, full of both embarrassment and shame, Harry turned over and shifted as far as he could from Hermione. "You know, maybe I'll just go on the couch tonight."

"Harry, it's fine. You don't have to do that." Hermione tried to reassure him. "I know it was just an accident. Just forget about it."

"I can't, Hermione. This is the first time it's happened, but if we keep sleeping like this it probably won't be the last. That's why I always sleep so far on the edge. If I didn't, this would have already happened days ago." He couldn't see her in the dark and because he was turned away, but Harry had a feeling that Hermione was deep in thought.

After an awkward silence, Hermione asked, "So you mean it gets big like that every night?"

Harry Junior swelled with pride, much to Harry's shame. He sighed. This was his own fault, he knew. He had thought there would be nothing more embarrassing than getting caught. It seemed that he was wrong.

"Yes" Harry muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Yes, it gets big like that pretty much every night."

"Hmmmm." Hermione was spending a lot more time with this then he'd thought. Harry was almost wishing she had just yelled at him and then went back to sleep. "Is that because of me?"

"Not really. I pretty much get hard every night, girl in my bed or not. Though you being here certainly doesn't help." If Harry had been paying attention, he might have noticed Hermione perk up at that. (In more ways than one.)

"Well," Hermione replied. "There must be some way to get rid of it. We can't have you poking me with it, and we also can't have you practically falling off the bed like you've been doing lately. How do you usually get rid of it?"

Harry's face felt like it was on fire. "Well, normally I'm alone, so I kind of...I sort of...well...rub on it."

"You what?"

"I rub it for a bit, and then when it's satisfied it goes back down." Yes, a quick angry rant would have been so much easier.

"So you masturbate until ejaculation?"

"Uh, yeah." Leave it to Hermione to know all the fancy, scientific words.

"Well, why don't you go in the bathroom and do that then. That should solve our problems."

"Oh, uh...yeah. Sure."

Ashamed yet thankful that the ordeal could finally be over, Harry climbed out of the bed and went to the bathroom to appease Harry Junior. He turned the water on in the shower so that Hermione couldn't hear him rubbing one out. When he returned, Hermione was already sleeping. Harry crawled back under the covers, still wary of being too close to Hermione, and fell asleep.

Had Harry done some "undercover" work, he might have been surprised at what he found. But he didn't. He failed to notice Hermione's new position in bed, as well as the sweat on her body and the unusual dampness of her knickers.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, readers, there you go. Another chapter completed! Hope you all enjoyed it! Please leave a review and let me know how much you love/hate it. Critiquing is always nice. By the way, I was thinking about this earlier today, anybody know about how many total students Hogwarts has in a given year? I was trying to think of what number dead last would be. I'm sure there's some expert among you who knows that off the top of his/her head. Anyway, have fun. I'll try to bring you more chapters and terrible puns soon!**


	3. Revelations

The next morning was business as usual for both Harry and Hermione. Neither mentioned what had happened that night, and an outside observer might have almost believed that nothing was different. Almost. There were subtle hints, from the pair's actions alone and together, that things were changing between the two best friends.

Unlike their usual mornings, neither seemed very desperate to leave their quarters. Up until then, every morning had been a rush to get out the door and go down to the Great Hall, shielding themselves from awkwardness by finding other students to talk to. This morning, though, both Harry and Hermione seemed to linger. Each realized, even if it was only in their subconscious, that something was happening. The other wasn't as far out of reach as he or she had initially seemed.

Harry had recently been having very raunchy dreams about his brunette best friend. Initially, he had tried to disregard them, convincing himself that they were just dreams and that she was his best friend. He tried not to think about her or look at her in that sort of way. However, after being paired with Hermione and going through last night, Harry's mind started to consider the possibility of being with Hermione. During the night, he hadn't really thought much about her reactions. When he looked back on them now, he wondered why she hadn't been angry. She had in fact remained quite calm. Or at least acted that way. Regardless, it was the things Hermione hadn't done that made Harry start to wonder if something was happening.

Hermione had come to terms with her feelings for Harry much earlier than the beginning of Fifth Year. Ever since First Year, she'd looked up to him. After he had gone on alone to retrieve the stone, Hermione had seen Harry in a different light. Harry wasn't the smartest or most powerful wizard in the world, but he had something more. That night, Hermione had seen a boy who was determined to push for what he believed in. She'd seen a brave young man who, when faced with danger, pushed on ahead so that others could be safe. Harry didn't fight Voldemort merely as revenge for his parents' murder, like some might have. He fought to keep himself and others safe.

Hermione still wasn't sure how Harry felt about her. Fourth Year had been a massive low for her, both because of the conflicts Harry was in (with the Tournament and Ron) and the lack of interest he seemed to show at the Yule Ball. Nothing about Harry, from what Hermione had seen, seemed to show any change in his thoughts about her. His actions in their quarters, she had reasoned, were either typical, expected awkwardness or generic male behavior.

Both Harry and Hermione left the quarters a little later that morning, coming down just as breakfast started. Neither said anything to the other, both waiting for the other to start the conversation.

* * *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully for the most part. Hogwarts never really was a normal place in Harry's opinion. There still wasn't a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and some of the students were beginning to wonder if they would even get a new one. With Voldemort and the Death Eaters gone, some students claimed that the class was unneeded. Harry disagreed. There would always be bad people in the world, he knew. Pretty soon someone like Voldemort, or maybe even worse, would emerge. People always needed to know how to defend themselves.

Friday night, thankfully enough, was equally uneventful. Knowing now that Hermione didn't like Harry pushing himself all the way to the edge of the bed (and since he couldn't find the pillow he normally used to separate Hermione and himself), Harry settled on some quick relievement right before going to bed. It seemed to do the trick, and it let him sleep a lot more comfortably.

Harry slept in Saturday morning, and when he awoke he saw that Hermione was gone. She'd said something about going to library the night before, so Harry figured that she was probably there already. No doubt she doing enough research to write three Charms papers instead of the one they had due within a week.

On his way to lunch that day after studying in the library (he hadn't seen Hermione, but she had probably been in another section), Harry realized he'd almost forgotten about Quidditch tryouts, which were scheduled for that afternoon. " _Angelina would have my nuts if I forgot about that"_ Harry thought to himself. Deep in thought, Harry almost ran straight into Neville. He managed to avoid a direct collision, but in the process dropped the bag he was carrying. Books, quills, parchment, and ink went everywhere.

Neville bent down to help Harry pick up his things and remove all the ink.

"Thanks, Neville" Harry said, "I appreciate it."

"Well if I hadn't been here, you wouldn't have had any problems," Neville replied. Harry couldn't argue with that.

"So how've you been, Nev? Haven't seen you much recently. Seem to be doing a lot better in class."

Neville shifted his feet a bit. "Yeah, I've had a bit of help. I think I'm finally getting some of the material. Helps that Snape's gone now."

"Yeah, I don't think anybody's been missing him too much lately," Harry added.

"So how are things with you and Hermione?"

"Um, what do you mean?" Harry was a little nervous about Neville's comment, but he didn't think anybody knew anything about his and Hermione's pairing. Neville was probably just asking about how their friendship was doing, what with all the new things happening this year.

"Well, you're paired up, aren't you? Is that going all right for you two?"

Harry could only stare open-mouthed at Neville. He was tempted to deny it, but Neville looked pretty confident. The weird thing was, he seemed to be merely asking out of curiosity, as if Harry and Hermione's pairing was nothing out of the ordinary. How did this happen? Had a whole bunch of rankings and pairings been posted without he knowledge?

"Neville, how...when?"

Neville shrugged. "Well, it's not as if it's a big secret that you two are friends. You're still quite close, despite all that's happened. Except now, you act a bit differently together. Those of us who've known you the longest see it most easily. Everyone in our group always assumed you two would get together at some point, pairing or not."

Harry could barely believe what he was being told. Were his feelings that obvious? Was it really that clear to his close friends that he and Hermione might o end up together at some point? For a good portion of his time at Hogwarts, he hadn't even consciously noticed Hermione in that way! How many people knew about this? Then another, much more important thought entered his mind. Did this mean that Hermione had feelings for him too? Had he really been that blind?

Sighing, Harry turned to Neville. "Was it really that obvious? Have I just been blind this whole time?"

Neville smiled. "Well, I can only speak for myself, but what gave it away for me was your shared use of the old Gryffindor Head Student quarters." Harry stared, confused, and Neville continued. "I mean, did you guys think we wouldn't notice that you no longer slept in the dorms? I mean, you've only been in there, what, a couple times a week in the afternoon? From what I've heard, you didn't even leave any of your stuff in the dorm."

Neville turned to walk away, and Harry could only shake his head. They thought they'd been so clever, so subtle! And apparently, not only was their sleeping location known, but people had even seen a spark between himself and Hermione before Harry was even aware of his feelings.

" _Hold on, though,"_ Harry thought to himself. " _From the way Neville talked, it sounded like he wasn't spending much time in the Common Room either. Why…?"_ Harry suddenly smiled, the connection made. He quickly caught back up with Neville.

"So, Neville, where are you sleeping if not in the Gryffindor Common Room?" Neville turned, wide-eyed and confused. Then he relaxed and sighed.

"Slip of the tongue. Oh well. I knew you'd all figure out eventually. I've been given the Hufflepuff Head Student quarters."

"You must be pretty high up," Harry remarked. Neville smiled.

"Yeah, I was ranked second. I'm guessing you and Hermione are both first?"

"Yeah," muttered Harry, a bit embarrassed.

"I don't care," Neville added. "I'm happy with where I am, and the ranks you guys have shouldn't really be a surprise to anybody. Plus, I've got a pairing, too."

"Hannah?" Harry asked, smiling. Why else would Neville be hanging around with her and staying in the Hufflepuff Head Student quarters? Neville nodded.

"She's been helping with my studies. Really helping me get the hang of the classes and new material."

"Is that all she's getting a hang of, Nev?" Harry couldn't resist the wisecrack, but Neville didn't shy away from it like he would have in years past. Instead, he merely smiled.

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say, Harry." With that, Neville walked away. Harry was left marveling at how much Neville had changed, no doubt in part due to his new "friend."

* * *

Harry stood on the Quidditch pitch, looking at all the rookies hoping to play for Gryffindor. There was still half an hour before tryouts officially began, but Angelina had instructed everyone to show up plenty early and ready to go. It was ironic, since Angelina wasn't even there yet. Neither were the twins. Harry was left to watch Second and Third Years trying balance on broomsticks.

"I still can't believe you convinced me to do this." Ron had returned from the locker room and was shaking his head. "I'm just going to make a bloody fool out of myself." While speaking to Hermione about how he had tryouts in the afternoon, Harry had realized that maybe Ron could replace Wood as Keeper. Ron hadn't been too keen on the idea, but Harry insisted. He and Ron had flown together enough times over the summer for him to see that Ron, while not as good as Wood, could still be quite a good Keeper.

"Ron, you'll do fine. If you're still worried, just look at your competition." One of the Third Years had managed to hover so that he was just above the heads of his peers, who cheered loudly. Then he came tumbling down. Harry and Ron winced.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"So why've you been so, you know, depressing lately?" Harry ventured. He didn't want to anger Ron, but the red-haired wizard had been acting quite dreary since coming back from the holidays.

Ron sighed. "I guess I should probably tell you. Learned the hard way last year that there's no good in just wallowing in my own feelings." Ron took another deep breath before quickly spitting out, "FredandGeorgegothigherranksthanIdid!"

Harry stared at him a moment, eyebrow raised. "What?"

"Fred and George got higher rankings than me." Ron's eyes were focused on the ground.

"How do you know?"

"Well, they found out my rank after they stole some of the papers I got. When they saw that I only had 10th, they started laughing and told me that they'd been ranked 7th."

"Ron, 10th isn't bad at all! You do realize that there's got to be, I don't know, around 160 eligible students? That means you're in the top 10%!"

"I guess that's true. But still, beat by Fred and George!"

"But even if they-wait" Harry stopped and thought a moment. "You said they both got 7th?"

"Yeah, so 7th beats 10th. That's why-oh." Ron suddenly realized the oddness in Fred and George's claim. He shrugged. "They're identical twins. Maybe that's why?"

"Ron, either way, does it really matter? Even if they beat you, it wasn't by much. Fred and George are popular people, pretty smart in their own way. You've got talents of your own that they don't have."

Ron seemed to think this over. "I guess you're right. Thanks, Harry!"

"Was that really all that was up?"

"Well, I was a little annoyed that I didn't get a pairing like you and Hermione did," Harry nearly choked on the water he had been drinking, "but I guess that means I'm just more of a free agent, which I think I'll like better anyway. Better to choose for myself who I go with than have somebody tell me. I'm just waiting to hear about some pairing nightmare that ends horribly."

"Wait wait wait...hold on...you mean you knew we were paired up?" Harry couldn't believe this. First Neville and now Ron.

"Well...yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

Harry just shook his head.

"Mate, I've known you since the first day of First Year. I've seen how you and Hermione act, even if you guys didn't. I may not be that observant when it comes to these things," Ron admitted, "but give me some credit."

"You're not, I don't know, mad?"

"Mad? Nah. A little jealous, but more just for the generic getting of the girl. Have you seen me and Hermione? Blimey, we're practically at each other's throats every year. I'm just too...me...and she's to her. Wouldn't be right."

Harry smiled. Of all the people he'd been nervous about, Ron was definitely top on the list. To hear Ron say what he had made Harry even more confident about himself and Hermione. Maybe this could work out after all!

Checking the time, Harry realized that tryouts should have started five minutes ago. Rolling his eyes and wondering what Angelina and the twins were up to, Harry turned to face the rest of the people on the pitch.

"All right, listen up everybody. Just because Angelina's not here doesn't mean you all can slack off. Now, how about you all get on your brooms and let's do a few warm up laps around the pitch."

To Harry's surprise, all the students did as he instructed. Some, admittedly, couldn't actually carry out the instructions, but everyone at least tried. It made him feel like some authority figure. Turning to Ron, who was already mounted, Harry grinned, and they shot off into the air.

About fifteen minutes later, Fred, George, and Angelina showed up on the pitch. Angelina was both surprised and grateful for Harry's leadership.

"These morons here," she gestured toward the twins, who were hurriedly getting their brooms and bats, "thought it'd be funny to turn a bunch of First Years into birds with some stupid candy." She sighed. "Problem was, they started having trouble changing back. The three of us had to get them all back to normal before any of the teachers found out. So, what've you put them through?"Angelina asked.

Harry explained how he had separated the students based on the position they were trying out for. He'd made them fly around a bit, getting an idea of who might actually stand a chance. Then he'd sent them to work in various areas. The Chasers were practicing together, trying to score against the Keepers, and the Beaters tried to hit at specific targets near the pitch. Interestingly, no one besides a few Second Years who could barely hold a broom was trying out to be a Seeker.

When Harry had finished explaining, Angelina nodded appreciatively. "Thanks, Harry. This'll help immensely with the tryouts. Unless I see a miracle, and it's looking like I won't, all we really need this year is a Keeper. I think your friend Ron has that one in the bag based on the rest of the competition. Anyway, Harry, thanks for the help. I can take it from here. You might as well just head back to your dorm."

Harry turned to her, surprised. Was Angelina really letting him go? Maybe she wasn't going to be the new Oliver Wood.

"Don't get a swelled head, Potter," she added. "I just want you in top shape for workouts and practices. Can't risk you getting hurt in some pointless tryout. Just go back and stay healthy. Get some R and R with Hermione."

Harry stared at her for a moment and then just shook his head.

"What do you think actually made her come to our games? Nevermind. Just use your Seeker skills and get your hands on that Snitch!"

Harry simply walked away, not wanting to be the butt of another poorly used Quidditch pun.

* * *

On his way toward their quarters, Harry was thinking over how he could talk to Hermione. If three people he knew relatively well saw a spark between them, then maybe he wasn't stupid to hope that she might have feelings for him. People could always be wrong, he knew. Things were never set in stone. However, up until quite recently he'd been trying to tell himself that there was no chance Hermione felt anything more than friendship toward him. Now a small worm of doubt had wriggled into that belief, and both his heart and mind were desperately clinging to it, unwilling to let it go.

Harry wasn't quite sure, even if Hermione did feel the same way about him, how to bring the subject up in a conversation. He couldn't simply mutter that Gryffindors charge forward and declare his feelings for her on the spot. Harry was too shy.

" _Funny,"_ Harry thought, " _I've faced werewolves, dementors, basilisks, and even Voldemort himself. Now I'm worrying about talking to my best friend."_

As silly as it sounded, Harry couldn't shake his nervousness. What if everyone was wrong? What if Hermione just saw him as a good friend? What would happen to that friendship? He almost envied Neville, who hadn't really known Hannah much until their pairing. Almost.

The portrait swung open, and Harry walked quietly up the steps. He didn't want to startle or disturb Hermione if she was trying to study or take a nap.

What could he say or do to find out how Hermione felt about him? He could ask other people, but that would be kind of weird. Three of his friends had already given their opinions, and he didn't want to try and find out second hand. That would merely delay his talking with Hermione. What if he eased into it, gradually asking innocent question? That might work, though Hermione would probably catch what he was doing long before Harry was able to learn anything. He could wait things out and let Hermione make the first move, but that didn't feel right either. Nothing Harry could think of seemed plausible.

"Harry…"

Harry heard Hermione's voice, which sounded muffled and a little strained, as he entered the quarters. Curious, he looked around. She didn't appear to be studying in the main area of the quarters, where she normally was when Harry was around. He thought she'd been calling him, but Hermione was nowhere in sight. Odd.

"Oh, Harry…"

Harry heard Hermione's voice again. It had come from the bedroom. She was definitely in the quarters. Harry smiled, slightly. Maybe she was sleep talking. He'd heard her once at night asking a teacher to make an assessment really long and hard. At least, that's what he thought she'd been saying. Something about making something really long and hard. Her voice had been muffled somewhat by the pillow. Harry quietly went to the bedroom door. He reached for the knob and slowly opened the door a crack, checking to see if Hermione was indeed sleep talking. Harry was quite thoroughly shocked when he looked in.

Harry had been expected to see a pajama-clad Hermione resting peacefully under the covers. This was nowhere near the truth. Hermione was lying on her back in the middle of the bed. She had taken a pillow, which looked mysteriously like the one Harry had misplaced, and propped it against the front board of the bed. This way, she could comfortably lean against the board and be somewhat upright. Her hips were firmly pressing into the bed, and one hand was holding an open book. Even though she had a book, her eyes were tightly shut and her face was quite flushed. Hermione's other hand was between her legs, which were spread widely open. And she was completely naked.

All Harry could do was stare. Here was Hermione, his best friend since First Year, who helped him with his homework and admonished him and Ron for being immature, lying naked on the bed, and Harry couldn't get enough of it.

The rational Harry would have felt guilty for staring at Hermione. However, the rational Harry wasn't in right now. Harry's mind was on overdrive, trying to take in everything that his eyes were showing him. Hermione's curly, brown hair, casually lying on the bed and covering her shoulders. Her face, flushed and strained. Her bare skin looked pale and soft, and Harry could only imagine what it felt like. Her breasts, a bit larger than his imagination had led him to believe, were firmly standing on her chest, slightly jiggling with her quick movements.

Her nipples were so hard and pointy they looked ready to poke someone's eye out. Harry watched in awe as the Hermione hand, which had previously been holding her book, reached up to clutch one of her breasts and began stroking and rolling the nipple.

All these fantastic sights, plus Hermione's deep breaths, sighs, whimpers, and suppressed cries, caused Harry Junior to become extremely interested. Harry felt like his second wand was going to burst free of its bonds of clothing any minute now. However, as his gaze descended to adjust (or maybe appease) Harry Junior, Harry looked for the first time at where Hermione's second hand was.

Hermione's fingers were furiously rubbing at a pair of swollen, pink lips. Both her slit and her fingers were nearly dripping with arousal. Every so often she would pause and either pay special attention to a little nub, rubbing and almost pinching it, or stick one (or even two) fingers all the way up inside herself. As she continued fingering herself, her breath started getting shorter, coming out in amazing little gasps and moans. Harry tried to lean in farther, his nose almost sticking out the crack between the door and the frame.

Unfortunately for Harry, there seemed to be a bit of dust in between the door and frame, and Harry's nose quickly snuffed them up. The moment he took a breath, Harry knew it was coming. He tried to fight it, but the odd, tingling sensation wouldn't back down. He tried to back away, hoping to find cover or a hiding spot, but it was too late.

" **A-A-ACHOOOOOO!"**

Harry's sneezed echoed throughout the quarters, immediately startling Hermione and bringing her back down to Earth. As if that wasn't bad enough, the force of the sneeze carried Harry forward. Right through the door and into the bedroom.

Hermione stared at him, unbelieving and in total shock, before quickly attempting to cover herself.

"Hermione, I-"

"OUT!"

"I'm sorry, I was just-"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER, GET OUT OF HERE NOW!"

Hermione's face was bright red and it looked like tears were welling in her eyes. Ashamed and unable to apologize, Harry realized that he was making things worse with every second he remained. As quickly as he could, he ran out the door, down the steps, and through the picture frame. As he ran, he could have sworn he'd heard muffled sobs coming from the bedroom.

 **/:Note:/ Another chapter completed. I wonder who's in more trouble: Harry for catching Hermione, or me for stopping the chapter right there. Sorry but not! Thank you so much for reading this, guys! I can't believe that this story already has well over 100 follows! Anyway, right now the Harry/Hermione ignorant pre-Romance stuff is close to wrapping up. I was trying to think of more plot ideas and pairings on my own, but then I decided I might as well turn to you guys. What do you want in terms of plot? I've got some ideas, but I can always use more of them. I'm also considering a separate Neville/Hannah one-shot to make in my spare time. Let me know if that sounds worthwhile. As for pairings, I have a few characters I'd like to write about, but I don't really have much of a preference on who they end up with. Harry/Hermione and Neville/Hannah are set, but that's about it. I'll give you guys some time to give suggestions on characters and pairings, and then I'll try and have some sort of vote or poll for the final decision. Keep in mind, though, that Harry won't steal or take advantage of girls already in a relationship with another guy. This means no Harry/Hannah as a start. So if you don't want any Harry/Ginny, for instance, instead of complaining about it, give me a good suggestion for who Ginny should go to. As always, if you have any critiques or compliments, I'd love to hear them. See you soon (maybe)!**


	4. New Opportunities

For the rest of the afternoon, Harry did his best to stay occupied. He didn't want to go back to the Quidditch Pitch, so he decided to try and find things to do within the castle. There were a couple of letters that he'd been meaning to send. Things had been pretty hectic lately, so there hadn't been time.

Despite the destruction of Voldemort, Sirius still wasn't off the hook. The Ministry had claimed that not all supporters of Voldemort had been marked, and that Black was still responsible for the murders that he'd supposedly committed. Dumbledore had tried to contact Fudge, but it wasn't any use. Since the defeat of Voldemort and the 'solution' for the plague, the Ministry needed things to do. The continued hunt for Black was more a publicity stunt than anything else, but that made it even harder for people like Fudge to be open to reason. When people felt threatened by Black, they tended to put more trust in their leader. This helped polls and future election standings immensely. As of now, the only way Harry could communicate with his godfather was with the occasional letter.

Harry also wanted to contact Gringotts. The Ministry law had supposedly emancipated both Harry and Hermione. Harry wasn't sure if being a legal adult changed anything about his vaults, accounts, or access, but if it did he wanted to find out. The new law had shown Harry that he still didn't fully understand the magical world. Sometimes things happened that left him completely befuddled. In his past four years, Harry had just accepted what he learned about the magical world, letting other people tell him what it was like. He had decided, especially since he was a legal adult now, that he should make an effort to teach himself everything he needed to know.

As Harry was walking down the hallway, not really paying attention to where he was going, he suddenly collided with two large obstacles in his path. " _Shit!"_ Harry couldn't help but think as he went down. " _That's the second time today!"_

Before he hit the floor, though, both his shoulders were grabbed and he was hurled back up to his feet.

"Sorry, Harry!"

"Didn't quite see you there, with all these boxes."

Fred and George were grinning at Harry with identical smiles. Both were carrying a couple of large boxes that would indeed obstruct one's view. Harry was surprised that the twins had managed to keep ahold of the boxes while grabbing him. No one would hear him complaining, though.

"What are you guys doing here?" Harry asked. "Shouldn't you be at the tryouts?"

"Well, the Beater portion is long over"

"We would have stayed, but because of our little fiasco beforehand"

"We figured it might be best to move our wares to a more"

"Secure location."

No matter how much he talked with the twins, Harry always found their disjointed speech to be a bit hard to follow.

"So, these are your wares, huh? This is what you've been doing with the 1,000 Galleons I gave you?" Harry smiled, trying to peer into one of the boxes. There were small, yellow objects within. That was about all he could determine. However, if the twins could make products that turned kids into birds, then it seemed they were doing quite well.

"Actually, we've been meaning to talk to you about that" Fred remarked, lowering his voice. "We haven't forgotten the start-up loan you gave us." Harry was about to interrupt, saying he didn't want the money back, but George cut him off.

"And we know that you don't want the money back. However, your reimbursement doesn't have to be limited to money. Services, positions of power,..."

"Why don't you follow us to our storage area, and we'll talk business from there."

Harry nodded, though a bit confused. He wasn't really sure what the twins were suggesting, but they seemed quite eager for him to come with them. As they began walking again, the twins leading Harry, Harry noticed a yellow object on the ground.

"Wait, you guys dropped something," Harry bent down to pick up the object. It was a rubber ducky! Harry was surprised that the twins even knew what these were, since he had assumed that only Muggles used them. As he picked it up, though, the twins' eyes widened.

"Harry, don't-"

SQUEAK!

The duck's rubber beak opened, and it started to wiggle in Harry's hand. The duck seemed to come alive, tucking its head beneath its wing and sticking its feet out. Harry was confused, but grew more alarmed as the duck began changing even more. In less than five seconds, he found himself holding a large, yellow, rubber item that looked just like a penis, which Harry quickly let go of.

SQUEAK!

Fred had his wand out, and his spell had hit the penis duck before it hit the floor. The spell seemed to reverse the duck's transformation, also bringing it back toward Fred. By the time the object reached the box, it had changed back into a duck again. Fred carefully dropped it in and closed the lid.

"Ok guys, what the heck did I just-"

"Not now, Harry. Too public. Just follow us, quick!"

The twins picked up the pace, and Harry had to almost jog to keep up. They went through halls, down a corridor, and stopped by a large statue of a frog. Jabbing with his wand, George deftly poked the frog in the eye, which sunk back as if it were made of something like butter. The frog statue slowly began slide over, revealing stairs leading downward. The twins went down, and Harry followed.

Harry and the twins arrived in a small room that looked like a mad scientist's dream lab. There were cauldrons full of smoking potions and vials filled with refined mixtures. Cabinets lined the walls, and there were many logbooks laying out. A stack of crates in a corner appeared to contain materials and finished products. Harry saw a few more of the disturbing rubber ducks.

Harry turned to the twins. "Explain."

The twins both took a breath, and Harry quickly elaborated. "One of you explain." The twins looked at each other and nodded. Fred picked up his stack of boxes and started walking toward the stack in the corner, leaving George with Harry.

"After you gave us all that money, we started research and experimentation. We were eager to try and turn our ideas into reality, but making stuff like that isn't simple. You have to get your hands on quality ingredients, and you have to figure out correct doses and recipes. Can't have a Nosebleed Nougat that never lets you stop bleeding. Anyway, we were trying to make stuff, but we'd hit a sort of roadblock. Things started getting quite difficult. Nothing we tried worked, and some of our suppliers dropped out on us. We wanted to continue with new prank items, but the plague wasn't making it easy. A lot of prices went up, since places that collected ingredients were losing workers.

Then the new law came. Initially, we only thought about what it would do to the joke shop. Then we realized that now we had another amazing opportunity. With all this 'repopulation' mumbo jumbo, students would be getting hornier and more active than ever. They'd need an outlet, both in terms of sex and humor. Now, we'll be able to help with both!"

Fred had returned, and now he continued with the explanation. "First of all, people are going to want things for use in their little acts of naughtiness. Problem is, a lot of the staff don't want people bringing in stuff like that. A lot was screened out when people first entered the school. Now we can supply people with whatever their pervy hearts desire! Take the prototype you mishandled on the way here."

"We're calling it a 'Rubber Fuck-Me'! The fuckable duck that'll leave you squeaking!" George added, helpfully.

"Yes, that. Think about all the things students will use those for, both alone and with someone special. Students can even keep them in normal areas, since they look perfectly innocent in duck form. It's not quite ready for production yet. There are a few kinks to get rid of and a few kinky features to add. That type of thing is our first branch of wares. The second part is slightly more for the comical side."

"We know that Muggles use these things called condoms," George continued. "Imagine a magical version. One that enlarges you willy to huge lengths or shoots little zaps of lightning. Or, at least that's what you tell your buddy. When he tries it out, though, he'll find that it's actually been charmed with a very powerful Sticking Charm, lasting two to eight hours!"

Harry had to admit that the twins might be on to something. There were certainly students who would make use of products like these. He failed to see how this affected him, though. When he asked, both the redheads grinned.

"We've decided, Harry, to make you a partner in our little business. You helped start this, and now you can help run it. You'll have a say in the things that get sold and the things that we develop. Plus, you'll have access to a good share of the profits and wares, should you want them."

"I don't know…"

"Harry, you won't have to do any direct work with the products. All you'd do is give your opinion and get rewarded. We might even be able to make some specific things for you. Keep in mind that we're still doing normal prank stuff, such as the Canary Cream. You'll have access to all those great items as well. We just want to show how much we appreciate what you've done for us."

Harry reluctantly agreed, though he still told the twins that he wasn't interested in money. They waved him off, saying if he didn't want to hoard it there were plenty of other things Harry could spend it on. They told Harry that they'd give him a more in-depth tour and a list of products at a later date, but that now they should probably all get to the Great Hall for dinner.

* * *

Hermione never showed up for dinner. Harry kept waiting for her to come, but he was disappointed. Maybe she hadn't been hungry, but Harry knew it wasn't the real reason. He almost considered sleeping the Common Room for night, to give her some space, but he decided against it. If he and Hermione didn't talk, they'd just grow farther and farther apart. Harry would rather face the full force whatever was coming right now rather than just shy away and wait for things to get better.

Approaching the quarters, Harry didn't try and mask his entrance. If he'd learned anything from his last misadventure it was to make his presence known. Walking up the stairs, he didn't hear or see anything abnormal. Finally he reached their quarters and saw Hermione, pajama clad and wrapped in a blanket, sitting in one of the chairs.

Hermione's eyes looked red, as if she had been crying recently. Her hair was a mess, and she looked more vulnerable than he'd ever really seen her. She was beautiful.

"Harry, I-"

"No, Hermione. I'm sorry. This is my fault. If I had-"

"Harry, it's ok." Those words, to Harry, lifted an enormous weight off his shoulders. Hermione wouldn't hold this against him. This wouldn't ruin their friendship. Her next words, though, deflated Harry's initial relief.

"If you don't want continue living here, I perfectly understand. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me at all...I...I hope we can still be friends."

Harry was shocked. What was she saying?

"Hermione, why-"

"Harry, please don't hold what you saw and heard against me! I realize it might make you uncomfortable, but I can't lose you. It won't happen again! What I did was just so...so..."

"Hermione, why would I not want to be friends with you anymore?"

She looked up at him, unsure if he was being serious. When she saw that his question was genuine, she quietly answered, "You heard what I was saying while I was...busy. I don't want to scare you, Harry, or make you uncomfortable around me. But I know all you want from me is a friend. It's ok. Just because I think...like...that...won't get in the way."

Harry could only stare at Hermione. Was this happening? Did she really think of him in the same way he was thinking of her? And yet she was just as clueless as he was. It was time to man up and stop being so afraid of speaking his mind. To his immortal shame, Harry muttered to himself, "Gryffindors charge forward" before going in for the kill. Or really the kiss.

This wasn't some friendly, reassuring peck on the cheek. This wasn't some kiss that one would get from a relative or a friend. No, this was an intense, lip to lip, tongue on tongue, full out snog.

At first, Hermione tensed up in both surprise and fright, as if she couldn't grasp what was happening. As she realized that this was indeed happening, she relaxed, opening both her heart and her lips for her former best friend, who was now something much more. For what seemed like an eternity, the two kissed deeply, fulfilling many fantasies that previously they would have been too afraid to admit.

Harry couldn't stand being bent in an awkward position any longer. He stood up, breaking the kiss (much to the disappointment of both) and gently helped Hermione to her feet. She stood up and wrapped her arms tightly around him. Looking into her eyes, Harry only felt an unexplainable rush of both passion and joy.

They both went over to the couch, Hermione never letting go. They sat there for a while, slightly cuddling and just enjoying the presence of the other. After a while, Harry turned to Hermione, whose head was resting on his shoulder, and broke the silence.

"Friends again?"

Hermione smiled and blushed, pretending to think about it. "No, I don't think so." She shook her head, smiling. "Friends don't do that."

"Fine," Harry. "How about...um...I don't know...what do you really call it?"

Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes. "Boyfriend and girlfriend, couple, lovers, husband and wife, Ministry-ordered babymakers…"

"Yeah," said Harry, nodding. "Pretty much all of that."

Hermione yawned. "I'm tired."

"Tired?" Harry questioned.

"I've had a very emotionally tiring day," Hermione answered.

"I guess I can't really argue with that," Harry admitted.

Together they walked into the bedroom. Hermione happily slid under the covers, and Harry quickly stripped down to his boxers and climbed in as well. He was just getting comfortable when Hermione reached over and touched his shoulder. He turned to face her, and she smiled.

"You don't need to sleep all the way over there Harry. Come on, I won't bite."

Harry and Hermione shifted closer together, ending flush up against each other. She buried her head into his chest, and sighed contently.

"Good night, Harry."

"Night."

"Sweet dreams."

Soon Hermione was fast asleep and Harry was left just staring at her. She looked so calm and peaceful when asleep. So happy. Harry breathed in, taking in Hermione's faint scent of vanilla and fresh parchment. Her warm body was snuggled up against him. Harry closed his eyes, and soon he too was asleep, dreaming happily.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, there's another one done! Hope you enjoyed it, brief as it was. So far I've gotten a lot of stuff for Harry/Luna and Draco/Ginny. For you Draco/Ginny people, just want to let you know that I'm not going to be bashing Ginny if I can help it. Draco may be another story, thanks to Weasley Wares, but no promises. Please continue to let me know what you think, both for pairing, plot, and the story in general through either PM or Reviews. Thanks!**


	5. Interesting New Classes

Harry awoke happily, having just finished one of the best dreams that he'd had in a while (nearly on par with his dream of Hermione when he first went to their quarters). It was the kind of dream that, after waking up, one couldn't remember any details. Harry could barely even remember the dream. It just couldn't be put into words. What the dream had lacked in simplicity, though, it made up for in the feelings of peace and happiness it left Harry with.

Taking a deep breath, Harry looked down at Hermione, who still seemed to be asleep. It all seemed so surreal, like at any moment he would wake up in Potions class and Snape would smack him on the back of the head. But here he was, lying in a bed with his best-friend-now-more, Hermione Granger, cuddled up against him. Harry never wanted to leave. Then he became aware of Harry Junior, pressing against Hermione with a joyful determination.

Harry groaned. He began shifting himself, trying to get out of the bed without waking Hermione. Harry failed.

"Ugh, Harry, what are you doing?" Hermione's muffled voice came from somewhere near Harry's chest, so close he could almost feel the sound vibrations.

"I've gotta, you know, take care of something," Harry awkwardly answered. He didn't really want to elaborate any further.

"No, stay. I don't wanna move."

Harry sighed. "I'm kind of poking you."

"Don't care." She pressed herself even more tightly into him, as if she were trying to lock him in place.

Harry would have thought it quite cute if he hadn't been feeling both uncomfortably hard and aroused at the moment. Finally giving in, he stopped resisting and fell back into bed. In truth, he hadn't really wanted to move. He'd been quite comfortable too. And if Hermione didn't care, why leave? Harry Junior enjoyed being against her warm body too, even though he never seemed to be satisfied.

* * *

Back in dream world, Harry was experiencing the most amazing feeling. Hermione was there, and she was giving him a hand job. At least, that's what it seemed like. Her soft, warm touch felt so spectacular that it almost seemed real. Actually, there was no 'almost' about. It actually felt real!

Then Harry woke up. And saw Hermione, bright red, with Harry Junior in her hand.

"Uhhh...Hermione?" Harry wasn't sure whether to be happy, excited, embarrassed, nervous, or all of the above. Hermione looked equally confused.

"Sorry, Harry. Didn't mean to...um...wake you up. It's just that, well, you were poking me and I thought maybe I could move it without waking you up."

"Oh, uh, ok. Sorry…?" Harry wasn't really quite sure what to do. What does one do when he wakes up to find someone holding his penis in an attempt to move it? The weird thing was, Hermione wasn't letting go. Harry most certainly wasn't complaining, though. Not at all.

"Does it hurt, Harry?" Hermione asked, suddenly.

"What? Well, yeah, I mean, no, well, kind of...not hurt exactly...why?" Harry was still extremely confused. He felt like Hermione was performing some sort of physical on him. It was quite a weird physical, admittedly. Even more awkward than normal ones, too. Pretty soon she'd be asking him to cough.

"It's just, you seem stressed whenever your penis is in an erect state like that."

"I'm kinda just worried about poking you. People tend to make certain assumptions when a guy presses into them when he's hard." Yeah, this was feeling more and more like some Muggle doctor's appointment. Hermione's parents were dentists, though. "Especially when it rubs against something or gets touched."

As if to prove her point, Hermione gave Harry Junior a firm squeeze, making Harry let out a gasp. Apparently satisfied, Hermione gave Harry one of her looks. "Doesn't hurt, huh?"

Still recovering from the squeeze, Harry tried to explain and defend himself. "It's not pain. It's just, like sensitive. Plus, you caught me by surprise with that one."

"And if I warned you ahead of time what I would do, are you saying you wouldn't make any sort of sound or give any evidence that things were out of the ordinary?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you weren't exactly being all quiet and normal when I found you with that book," Hermione instantly turned bright pink. "What kind of book was that, anyway? Was it one from that library we visited, by any chance?" From Hermione's expression, Harry knew he was dead on. (And slightly more hard on).

"That's different," she tried to argue. "That's how girls, um, relieve tension. It feels good."

"And how is that any different from this, which is how guys, as you put it, relieve tension?"

That shut her up. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, looking thoughtful.

"Would you look at that," Harry grinned, "Hermione Granger not knowing something. Between that book and your usual study habits, I would have thought you'd know everything there was to know about this sort of thing."

Hermione turned an even pinker hue. "It's...complicated," she admitted. "It's not like there's some how-to guide readily available in the library. I don't think the Restricted Section even has stuff like that." Seeing Harry's wide grin, she added, "Not that I've looked!...much...Anyway, a lot of stuff you find or hear isn't all that accurate or helpful. There are all these details, but no one really talks about the basics. You probably have stuff like that, too."

"Yeah," Harry nodded, thinking of locker room and dorm conversations, "pretty sure it's not medically impossible for a girl to fart. Ah, First Year. So young, so stupid."

Hermione smiled. "Exactly. It's not my fault that I don't know everything about everything. I just make do with the 99% I've got," she added smugly.

"Well, then it's time you learned some things," Harry announced. "Welcome to Male Sexuality 101. That's a dick," Harry pointed to Harry Junior, who was proudly standing on display, "It likes attention."

Hermione smiled and happily gave Harry Junior a firm handshake. Both Harry and Harry Junior greatly appreciated the gesture, even if they were a bit surprised at the student's enthusiasm.

Then Hermione, in one smooth movement, lifted up her hips and slipped her pajamas and panties down to her ankles, effectively baring her own subject matter. Harry was speechless. Harry Junior was quite interested.

"Well, Harry, I guess I should introduce you to Female Sexuality 101. This is my vagina, or pussy if you prefer. It likes to be petted, though I'm guessing you already knew that based on your your little spying adventure." She glared teasingly at him.

They stared at each other for about thirty seconds. Then Harry started cracking up. Hermione smiled for a few seconds before starting to laugh too.

"All the other pairs are probably just shagging in a broom closet somewhere, and here we are enrolling each other in fake courses." He pointed accusingly toward Hermione. "This must be your fault."

She smiled. "Mr. Potter, if you wish to withdraw from the class, that is perfectly fine."

"Nope!"

"That's what I thought." They both smiled for a while before Hermione went back into 'research mode.'

"So it really feels good when someone touches it? That's how you get rid of your problematic tension?" Harry just rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you just try for yourself and give me hand if you're so curious?"

"I think I will."

With that Hermione bent down next to Harry Junior, inspected it for a moment, and then began slowly rubbing it. Harry had been about to say something along the lines of _I was just being sarcastic_ when she started rubbing. " _Screw it,"_ he thought to himself, " _if she wants to, who am I to stop her?"_ Soon after that Harry began to lose coherent thought.

Hermione, seeing the effect her handling on Harry was having, began to up the pace, rubbing him quickly and tightly. She was enjoying herself quite thoroughly.

"Having fun, Harry?"

"Yup." Harry's vocabulary was now mostly limited to single syllable words. His upper head wasn't really in control anymore.

"Gosh, it's really warm and hard isn't it? But the skin feels soft to the touch."

"Mmm hmmm"

"Mind if I get my hand a bit wet?"

"Sure" Harry wasn't really even listening at this point. He did notice, though, when Hermione's newly salivated hand started rubbing his cock at an even faster, firmer pace than before.

Harry had never felt better. Harry Junior was experiencing sensations he'd never dreamed of. Hermione's small hands were soft and slippery, and he could barely contain his joy as she happily stroked his manhood with quick, smooth jerks. Soon, that joy just couldn't be held on to any longer.

"Hermione, I'm gonna cum!"

"Okay, but what does that-"

Hermione's question was interrupted as Harry Junior erupted in her hands, shooting out white strands of sticky cum. Nearly every single one landed on Hermione's shirt. As Harry slowly settled back down to Earth, feeling his muscles lose practically all their tension, he noticed Hermione glaring at him.

"Why didn't you tell me it would make that much of a mess?"

"Uhh, that's what happens when a guy cums."

"But so much? And so far?" Hermione shook her head and looked down at her shirt, which was now soaked. "Oh well. I guess now I know. Better get this thing off."

With that, Hermione grabbed the bottom of her shirt and lifted it over her head, flinging it in the corner of the room. At least, that's where Harry assumed it went. The moment the shirt went above chest level, Harry's eyes were glued to Hermione's pair of glorious tits. Just like when he'd caught her before, her nipples were rock solid and pointy. When Hermione saw where Harry's gaze was directed, she sighed.

"Honestly, you've seen these before. Are they really that special?"

"Hmm?" Harry had been too busy staring at the boobs in front of him, which moved ever so slightly as Hermione breathed and talked, to actually pay attention to what had been said.

This time, Hermione covered herself with her hands before asking, waiting for Harry's eyes to meet hers (which took some time). "What," she repeated, "is it about breasts that excite you so much? Guys have nipples and stuff too."

"I don't know," Harry replied, disappointed and angry at her stupid hands, "they're just, um, hardwired in."

Hermione rolled her eyes and, after seeing Harry's longing look, uncovered her boobs.

After staring for a while, Harry innocently asked, "Well, since you so kindly helped me, do you want me to return the favor?"

Needing a second the understand what he meant, Hermione's eyes widened and she stuttered, "Well, um, I...I guess if...that is, if you...well, yes?"

Before she could talk any more, Harry had excitedly come up and stuck his eager hand between her legs. He quickly began stroking her smooth, wet folds, and now it was Hermione's turn to lose a bit of mental clarity.

"Is this good?"

"Yeah, Harry. Yes."

"Anything else?"

"Touch my nipples? Please?"

"Really?"

"Yes! Just-Mmmmm...like that"

Harry happily clutched Hermione's breast with his free hand, squeezing it a bit before moving his thumb and pointer finger to her nipple, which he began rolling between the two. As he did this, Hermione let out a moan.

"See, Hermione? You're not silent and normal either." Hermione was too caught up in her own pleasure to retort.

Soon Harry's hand grew tired of stroking Hermione's slit. Very slowly, he took his middle finger and inserted it into her hole. It felt amazingly warm and tight, with just the right amount of friction and slipperiness. He could only imagine how good Harry Junior would feel in there. Hopefully he wouldn't have to imagine for much longer. Meanwhile, Hermione seemed to enjoy the new action also.

"Yes Harry! That's it! Ohhh yes! Fuck!"

"Hermione!" Harry admonished teasingly. "What's a good girl like you doing saying a naughty word like that?"

"Just don't stop, I'm so fucking close!"

"Though I guess your true F-word is 'fail,' isn't it?"

"Harry!"

Harry's finger was now ramming into Hermione at full speed, and her walls were tightly clenching and unclenching around it. Realizing how close she was, Harry quickly pulled out. Then, taking both his index and middle fingers, began thrusting even faster into her. The effect was instantaneous.

"Oh fuck! That's it, Harry! Don't stop! YES! Yeeesss!"

With that, Hermione crumpled, quivering for a few moments before lying still, deeply panting and covered in sweat. The two lay on the bed for a few minutes, both thoroughly exhausted even though they'd just recently woke up. Finally, Hermione sat up.

"Wow, Harry. That's...that's about all I can say."

He grinned. "Do I pass the course?"

"Oh, with flying colors." Hermione looked down at Harry. Harry Junior was beginning to stir again.

"What about me?" Hermione asked.

"You're a lot better than just me by myself. You even tamed the monster for a while. Though I think now he's coming back." As if in response, Harry Junior gave a little twitch.

She smiled. "Well, that's going to have to wait. We're going to have to hurry if we don't want to miss breakfast. I'll take first shower."

Hermione reluctantly climbed out of bed, leaving Harry alone in the bed. Sighing, Harry got out of bed. " _Oh well,"_ he thought. " _Best class I've had all year."_

* * *

Harry smiled Monday morning as he and Hermione went down to breakfast. They'd had another session of early morning classes, which had been just as enjoyable as the previous morning's had been. Harry had initially been worried about what this would do to his and Hermione's relationship during normal hours, but his fears had been misplaced. Things were still perfectly normal and friendly between them (and sometimes a little more), and it wasn't near as awkward as he'd thought it would be.

Almost immediately after sitting down, Harry and Hermione were treated to the latest gossip that had taken a hold of the student body. Apparently, Dumbledore had finally found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Though, from the sound of things, she was actually being provided through the Ministry of Magic itself. Some of the students were wondering if she was partially coming to help enforce the new laws.

Ran Diyader and his staff hadn't done very much at all besides meet with eligible students and coordinate meetings. They were supposedly open every day for counseling and advice, but Harry didn't think anyone had actually gone to that. For the students that hadn't been paired, which was a definite majority, school life hadn't changed much at all. Some were horny teenagers, but that was hardly any different from the usual. Perhaps this lady would change things up.

Soon students were shuffling inside the newly decorated Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. This time around, instead of skeletons or other Dark-looking items, the room seemed to be covered in pink. This wasn't just some light, easy-to-miss pink either. No, this was bright hot pink. There were lacy curtains, little frilly pillows, and even some pictures of kittens on a shelf. Harry knew he shouldn't make judgments about the teacher before he met her, but the room decoration certainly raised a red flag in his mind.

"ahem...ahem...HACK!"

The students turned frightfully turned around, wondering what had made such a hideous noise. What they found was a short, dumpy looking woman who seemed to be recovering from a very bad case of allergies or something. After the woman had recovered, she slowly made her way over to the desk. She then proceeded to write her name upon the blackboard.

"Good morning, class," despite the awful coughing fit she'd just experienced, the lady seemed eager to talk in a high pitched voice, "my name is Professor Bumridge, and I will be teaching you about the dangers that you currently face each and every day."

With a wave of her wand, Bumridge sent a stack of books down the aisle of students, dropping a book off at each one.

"It seems that your previous curriculums were very fragmented and unregulated. You were exposed to many dangers, and there are many things you are still unaware of. It is my job now to bring you through a Ministry-approved course, which will be especially important due to what has happened over the summer."

" _Well, that's good."_ Harry thought. " _Seems they still want to continue teaching us Defense. I was all worried that they wouldn't since Voldemort's gone."_

"A lot of you have been hearing a lot of rumors lately. Older students, and maybe even students in your own year, have been spreading false ideas, poisoning your precious young minds."

" _Ok...I don't like where this is going. Is she trying to deny what's happened or something?"_

"What the Ministry and I are here to do is correct these wrongs, and help set you on the correct path."

" _That's it,"_ Harry thought. " _Cedric didn't die for nothing. How can these people deny what's so plainly in front of their stupid noses?"_ Harry was just about to stand up, or maybe raise his hand in a rebellious way, when he saw the book that had just landed on his desk. It was titled "Healthy Procreation: A Look at the Dangers of Sexual Intercourse and Proper Methods to Avoid It."

"The danger that I am speaking of here is known as sexual intercourse. It is one of the vilest practices upon this Earth. This action, and others like it, lead to many horrible, incurable conditions. It is known to pass horrendous diseases. It also corrupts both the magic and the mind. Even actions such as physical touch or kissing can lead to symptoms."

Harry looked at Hermione, Ron, and the other students. This couldn't be happening! Why? How? Maybe this was some sort of amazing prank. Though, from Bumridge's face, it didn't look like it. How in the name of Merlin's left earlobe had the rest of the staff approved this?

"As you know, the Ministry has passed laws recently that require students to bear children. You may have been taught from others that the only way to do this is through the act I have mentioned already. However, this is not the case. The Ministry has sent me to help you relearn and better understand what is required of you. One of my colleagues, whom you have already met, does not agree with this policy. I assure you that efforts to remove him are already under way."

That explained why Diyader hadn't been very active lately. But did Bumridge even know what he'd done besides meet with students? Harry highly doubted that she and the Ministry approved, for instance, the contents of the library he and Hermione had found. " _Speaking of which," Harry thought to himself, "I think we're due for another visit. Things might turn out a bit differently in there this time."_

"Now," Professor Bumridge smiled, "why don't you all open those wonderful new books and take some time to read the Introduction." With that, she happily plopped into a pink velvet chair next to her pink desk, leaving the students to muck through what had to be the largest pile of dragon dung any of them had ever encountered.

 _Welcome, student, to the Ministry's Guide to healthy procreation! This passage you are reading will attempt to explain to you what will be covered throughout the course. Our first major section of learning will be about the mental and magical dangers of sexual intercourse. In short, this act leaves the perpetrator drained of magic and unable to coherently think. It lowers magical core levels, and it has even been found to block off certain sections of the mind. Our second major section will cover the physical impediments sexual intercourse brings. Studies have shown that sexual acts will lead to increased acne, palm sweating, warts, unsafe pheromones, and loss of bladder control, among others. The third major section will cover harmful diseases passed on through sexual actions, such as Dragon Herpes and the dreaded Flaming Firewhiskey Crotch Disease. Our final unit of study will cover numerous safe reproduction methods, such as through proper, sustained meditation (a technique known as "Happy Baby Thoughts"). With this knowledge, by the end of the course you should be able to safely produce offspring within the next 3.14159 years. I hope you enjoy this course._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Knobang Enivan Ava_

Harry wasn't sure whether or not to laugh or to cry. This had to be joke. Didn't it? But from Bumridge's expression, it certainly didn't look like it. Was the Ministry that stupid? Or was it just this woman? Is this how the law expected them to repopulate? Harry noticed that Hermione had finished reading, and her hand was boldly raised.

"Yes, dear?" Bumridge clearly wasn't happy that Hermione's book remained untouched.

"Please correct me if I'm wrong here," Hermione stated, "but are you trying to tell me that sex is something to be avoided at all costs and that it can be replaced reproductive-wise by meditation?"

"Exactly, my dear. Marvelously put. The Ministry is even in the process of banning the vile act altogether."

"Wait," Ron interrupted, "you mean that if I meet this great witch, the Ministry won't let me bang her? Or even kiss her?"

"Language and hand!" Bumridge practically shouted. "I will not tolerate such actions. If we are to describe this act at all, you shall only refer to it as sexual intercourse."

"We can't even call it sex?!" Dean shouted.

"Hand!" Bumridge yelled. "And no, you most certainly cannot."

Harry was about to put in his two cents' worth when Bumridge yelled, "Class, I can see that the lies are harder to fight that what was originally thought. There will be no more talking of any kind for the rest of the class. Instead, I want you to begin reading your textbooks and start opening your minds to the truth!"

For the rest of the class, since they were toward the back, Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus, and (surprisingly) Neville all exchanged smirks and extremely inappropriate gestures and facial expressions. It most definitely beat reading the book.

When the class was finally over, Harry saw Fred and George hanging around near the classroom entrance. When they saw him, they gestured for him to come over, which he did.

"So, Harry…"

"How was your first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson?"

Harry made a face, and the twins laughed.

"That woman has to be completely mental," George whispered as Bumridge walked by. Harry nodded in agreement.

"You know," Harry added, "there might be some good that'll come from this."

The twins looked puzzled. "How so?" Fred asked.

"I have a feeling there'll be a lot more orders coming in soon. And I've got some plans for pranks just for our new favorite teacher."

All three smiled evilly, and the trio set off, devising the best possible pranks for their prude new teacher.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, there you go! Another chapter, and Harry and Hermione have finally started having a bit of fun. Maybe you did too. Don't hesitate to let me know how you liked it. I'm not very used to writing lemony stuff, so hopefully that went fine. If not, I'm open to suggestions/advice. I'm still taking pairing suggestions, and hopefully there'll be some sort of vote within the next few chapters. Harry/Luna and Draco/Ginny seem to have the majority right now. Apologies if you didn't like waiting a bit longer for this chapter. I had to completely rewrite it, which wasted some time. Plus, the rate I was going at before is kind of hard to maintain. I'd still like to have a life away from my computer. If you want more to read, I've published the first chapter of a little spin-off featuring Neville and Hannah (Creatively known as Magical Repopulation: Neville & Hannah. I'm quite the literary genius, aren't I?) Anyway, thanks for reading, and have a great day!**


	6. Trying New Things

"Good morning, class!" Professor Bumridge announced. She had to wait about thirty seconds before some students mumbled a reply. Apparently satisfied, or at least unwilling to push for anything more enthusiastic, Bumridge continued.

"For the past week, we have been attempting to heal your young minds, which have been poisoned with untrue and harmful notions about certain vulgar, prohibited activities. I think that we have finally chased out those horrible ideas you originally had, so we are now almost ready to begin with our real lessons."

In truth, Bumridge hadn't accomplished anything. By now, most of the students were simply too exhausted, frustrated, or just entertained with the stupidity to contradict her. As Hermione had put it, "There's simply no logical argument that can successfully silence the illogical." Once Hermione had left, Neville had added something along the lines of, "So let's fight fire with fire." Hermione had already been out of earshot at the time, which was just as well. Harry didn't think being illogical was even possible for her.

"Today," continued Bumridge, "will thus mark a turning point in our lessons. We need to put the horrors of the past behind us and lock them away, never to return. To ensure this, I've come up with a little vow for each of you to participate in. Mr. Potter, dear, why don't you come up here and help demonstrate. Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Weasley, you two can help next time."

" _Shit,"_ Harry thought. " _This better not be what I think it is. Guess all that talking did come back to bite us in the butt."_

For unknown reasons, Bumridge had become extremely fond of those three boys. Of course, they were definitely the most vocal of the class. After the first lesson, Harry, Ron, and Neville had decided that the class might not be as bad if they approached it differently. Each participated very helpfully.

Harry inwardly smiled as he thought of his own participation. He had told a heart-wrenching story from his past. His aunt and uncle, being Muggles, did not have access to or knowledge of the wonderful advancements in magical healthcare and reproductivity. They had not benefited from the enlightening classes about sexual intercourse that Harry now had the good fortune to attend. Thus, they had produced a child in the most hideous of ways. Harry's cousin, Dudley, was obviously disadvantaged due to the method of his conception. Bumridge had tears in her eyes as Harry bravely told the class of Dudley's struggles: his stupidity, his obesity, and his lack of any talent or character whatsoever. When Harry sat down, Bumridge clapped the loudest.

Neville had then went on to tell the class about the horrors he'd experienced in school. Professor Snape, whose father had been a Muggle, clearly hadn't come into the world in the proper way. His greasy hair, lack of happiness or charm, and overall stupidity were obvious signs. Draco Malfoy, that poor blonde boy of Slytherin, also showed similar symptoms. Bumridge had comforted Neville as he told the class about Snape, and she also had promised to bring Malfoy into a special support group that she would be starting soon. Neville had smiled widely when he heard that.

Last to share had been Ron. When Bumridge had asked if anyone else wanted to share their tales of woe, Harry and Neville had expectantly looked at Ron. Caught on the spot and unsure of what to say, Ron had simply blurted out, "Vaginas scare me!" before burying his head in his arms and weeping. At least, that's what Bumridge thought. Personally, Harry had never seen Ron laugh so hard.

"Come on, Mr. Potter, no need to be shy. This won't be hard at all." Startled out of memory lane, Harry nervously got up and walked up to the front of the class. He was definitely nervous, but the difficulty of the vow certainly wasn't what he was worried about. Shuffling slowly, Harry eventually found himself standing next to Bumridge. " _Guess I'll just have to stall"_ Harry thought. " _Hopefully then she'll try writing it out and send me back. Though after she starts writing we probably won't do anything else..."_

"Alright. Mr. Potter. Wand in your right hand, that's it. Now, all you'll need to do is repeat after me. Ready? Let's begin. I...now say your full name...do solemnly swear, upon my life and magic..."

Harry repeated her words. Exactly as she had said them. Exactly. "I...now say your full name...do solemnly swear, upon my life and magic."

"No, Mr. Potter, you need to actually say your full name."

"No, Mr. Potter-"

"Potter stop! Don't repeat that!"

"Potter stop!...Oh. Sorry Professor. I was just trying to repeat what you said." Harry tried his best to look confused and a bit embarrassed. He could see Ron in the back giving him a thumbs up.

Bumridge sighed. "It's fine, Mr. Potter. You just need to say your full name, not those actual words."

"Oh." Harry paused, trying to look uncertain. "My full name?"

"Yes." Bumridge sounded a bit worried where this was going.

"Professor?"

"Yes?"

"Does that include my middle name?" Harry innocently asked. Next to Ron, Neville did his best to contain his laughter.  
"Yes, Mr. Potter. Your middle name is included in your full name." Bumridge spoke slowly, sounding like she was trying to be patient with a very slow student.

"Oh." Harry paused a moment, letting that sink in. "Professor?"

"Yes?"

"What if I can't remember?" A snort from the general direction of Neville's desk echoed throughout the otherwise silent classroom.

Bumridge's eyes bugged out. "You don't know your middle name?"  
"It's not like it's my fault!" Harry sputtered defensively and quite convincingly. "No one ever calls me by my middle name! They're all 'Oh, how ya doin' Harry!" or "Hey look it's Potter!' No one ever calls me anything else! It's the system's fault, not mine!"  
Bumridge, her head in her hands, looked like she was beginning to get a severe migraine. "Does anyone know Mr. Potter's middle name?"

Neville raised his hand tentatively. "I think it might be Bilius" he said, looking pleased with his contribution.

Ron shook his head, appearing to be deep in thought. "No. I think that's mine."

"Really?"

"Pretty sure. I thought Harry's was Jean." As Ron smiled, Hermione rolled her eyes.

"No Ron," Harry added before Hermione could defend her own middle name, "those are muggle pants. Made of denim. Quite comfy, too. They wear them all the time. Once, I spilled newt brain fluid on some, and-"

"Enough!" Bumridge practically shouted. "We'll just do it without your middle names. It should still be binding. Let's just continue with saying the words. Mr. Potter, say this last line: to not ever participate in sexual intercourse."

"To not ever participate in sexual intercourse." Harry paused, deep in thought. "But what if I already have?"  
"What!" Bumridge shouted. "You've partaken in sexual intercourse!" Hermione looked equally surprised.

"No" Harry said simply. "I'm just curious."

Bumridge deflated, but still looked quite stressed. "Why don't you just put the two phrases together and then we can be done with all this. Perhaps the other students will understand this a bit better."

"The whole thing?"  
"YES! THE WHOLE THING!"  
Harry proudly smiled. "I, Harry James Potter, do solemnly swear, upon my life and magic, to not never participate in sexual intercourse." A light blue glow formed around Harry, and he went back to his seat.

Bumridge stared at him. "You messed up the words!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES!"

"Well, it probably won't matter too much. I can do it again if you want. I'll get it right next time." Harry cleared his throat, clearly practicing. "To never not participate in sexual intercourse."

"NO! DON"T SAY THAT! DON'T DO THAT!" When she realized how loudly she was screaming, Bumridge tried to calm down. "Why don't we just, um, write down the statement on a piece of parchment. I'll write it on the blackboard, and you all copy it down. Exactly as it says." Harry's grin widened immensely.

Bumridge walked over to the blackboard, muttering things to herself about children and retirement. Picking up a piece of chalk, she began to start writing the vow.

"Oh yes!" The sexy, moaning sound filled the room and then was gone as suddenly as it had started.

Bumridge nearly fell on her...bum...in surprise. Turning around, eyes narrowed, she looked at all the students. They appeared to be nearly as surprised and shocked as she was. Not sure what was going on, Bumridge hesitantly turned back to the blackboard to scribble out the vow.

"OHhhhh. Em. Ahhh." Once again the classroom was filled with moaning sounds. They stayed longer this time, and they sounded a lot like a witch having an orgasm. The sounds of heavy breathing continued for a few seconds and then disappeared. Bumridge looked like a mixture of fury and terror. Harry was trying to keep his laughter inward.

Ever since the first class, Harry, Fred, and George had been working up schemes to drive Bumridge mad. They'd come up with plenty of ideas, but very few were both feasible and entertaining enough. The main problem would be development time. The things Harry suggested to the twins, unfortunately, didn't exist. They had started designing some new products, and a few would be ready relatively soon, but neither Harry nor the twins wanted to wait that long. They had decided to pass the initial time by slightly modifying some of Fred and George's original products. The chalk had originally been a product to both help witches fake better and encourage wizards further. With a bit of tweaking, Harry and the twins had charmed the original product to look like chalk, only activating when something was being written. Using his Invisibility Cloak, Harry had replaced Bumridge's usual chalk with their new creation that very morning.

Bumridge was now looking around, trying to decide if it would be better to try and call a student out or to just try and pretend the sounds had never happened. Eventually, she chose the later. "Alright students, instead of you all writing this down, I will make a generic form and then distribute copies to all of you. All you'll need to do is sign at the bottom." With that she plopped down onto her desk and reached for a quill.

Being in the back row with Neville and Ron, Harry couldn't actually see Bumridge writing.

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

However, Harry and all the students certainly noticed when Bumridge screamed louder than ever before, flinging an object away from her. Said object landed almost in the middle of the room, in plain sight for almost every student.

" **WHAT!"** screamed Bumridge. " **IS THAT…..THING…..DOING IN MY CLASSROOM?!"**

Ron bent over to inspect the object. "That looks sort of like a penis, Professor Bumridge."

Bumridge was too infuriated and terrified to make a sound. She looked like she would explode or blow steam out of her ears at any moment.

When Bumridge didn't respond to Ron's statement, Neville decided to step in.

"How can you tell, Ronald?" Neville asked, trying to sound like a semi-interested researcher. All the other students looked back and forth between Bumridge and the quill-penis, another of Harry and the twins' tweaked items. All except Hermione. She appeared to be looking right at Harry. And she wasn't happy. At all.

"Well," Ron mused, "I can tell because I'd say it looks kind of like mine."

Taking the bait and wondering what kind of trap Ron was leading them into, Neville asked, "What do you mean 'kind of'?"

"Because mine looks a lot bigger than that!" Ron answered, smiling triumphantly. Neville just closed his eyes, smiling and shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Bumridge had climbed onto her chair and was continuing to scream, much to Harry and the students' amusement. She had attempted to cast spells at the quill-penis, but her efforts did nothing to move or vanish it. Thus she resorted to standing on the chair and screaming, similar to the time when Aunt Petunia had found a mouse in the kitchen. Except this was much, much more entertaining. And hopefully Harry wouldn't be the one who had to pick it up and throw it in the trash this time.

After about ten minutes of chaos, mostly coming from Bumridge, Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick entered the room. Whatever they had been expecting as they walked in, this certainly wasn't it.

"Deflora, what on earth are you doing?" cried McGonagall. The students' desks were blocking her view of the quill-penis, so all she saw was Bumridge screaming on top of her chair.

Bumridge, noticing the two professors, finally stopped screaming. "Oh. Thank goodness. I...that is...well...that thing just appeared out of nowhere!" For emphasis, she pointed to the floor.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow and turned to Flitwick, who shrugged. The short little man turned to look at Bumridge questioningly. "Surely you've seen a mouse before," he squeaked.

"What? No! You misunderstand! I was writing down a very…"

With Bumridge and the two professors focused on each other, Harry discreetly pointed his wand at the quill-penis, quietly said an incantation, and turned it into its more conspicuous form. No one saw but Hermione, who had begun staring daggers at him. Harry wasn't exactly sure what he'd done to upset her, but he had a feeling she knew he was behind all the mischief. Hopefully she wouldn't report him.

"...and that's when it turned into...into"

"Into?" Flitwick prompted. Instead of answering, Bumridge shuddered and slowly sat back down.

"Just look at it."

Briskly walking over to the middle of the room, McGonagall reached down and picked the ordinary-looking quill up from off the ground. Inspecting it closely and then looking skeptically toward Bumridge, McGonagall walked back over to Flitwick and handed him the quill.

Harry was sure he was dead when Flitwick carefully inspected the quill, even casting a quick spell on it. Nothing changed about the quill, though, much to Harry's relief.

"Next time you drop your quill, Deflora, just Levitate it back to yourself," McGonagall remarked as she walked out the door. Flitwick nodded and turned to leave. However, just before he was out of sight, the small professor's eyes met Harry's. With a small smile, Flitwick was gone, and Harry was left wondering if he had truly gotten away with the prank or if the other teachers just disliked Bumridge as much as the students did. Regardless, he looked to be in the clear for now, and the quill had performed perfectly. For the rest of the class period, Bumridge stared open-mouthed at the spot where the quill-penis had been.

* * *

"Can you at least tell me what I did?" Harry exclaimed that evening as he followed Hermione up the stairs to their quarters. After the excitement of the morning, she had barely talked to him. When they had talked, Hermione had been either cold or distant with him.

"I would think it would be obvious," Hermione huffed.

"Fine," Harry admitted. "You're right. It was wrong to play those pranks. I get that. Rules are there for a reason, teachers deserve our respect, all that stuff. But it's not like I did that to McGonagall, Flitwick, or Sprout. Hell, I didn't even do that to Snape! You've been in those classes with her! It's awful! You know it's all just a pile of dragon shit! I didn't hurt anybody, and she was the only one who even got flustered. What's the big deal if the magical sex-ed teacher sees a penis? I didn't just do it for fun, even though it definitely was really funny. Now everyone plainly sees her for the idiot she is!"

Harry took a deep breath, glad to get all that out of his system. He didn't feel bad at all about the pranks. If given the chance, he'd to them again in a heartbeat. Hermione hated breaking the rules, but rule-breaking wasn't all bad. Without it, how would they have protected the Sorcerer's stone, defeated the basilisk, or saved Sirius?

Hermione turned to look at Harry, a look of bewilderment and exasperation on her face. Even in times like this, Harry sometimes couldn't help but stare at her lovely face. Or at least, near her face. Maybe a bit lower. Sometimes quite a bit lower. Still, it was the front side of her body. When she was facing him. Harry desperately shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and Harry Junior's stirrings.

Noticing where he had been looking-or not looking-Hermione rolled her eyes and continued. "Harry, I don't care that you broke some rules to prank that woman. I don't even care that you took advantage of her clear fears to humiliate her in front of our class." Hermione shook her head. "No, I'm actually annoyed because you never brought me into any of it!"

Harry stared at her, uncomprehending. "You mean, you wanted to-"

"Yes!"

"Really?"  
"Honestly, Harry. I hate the woman as much as you do. Probably more. She's ruining our education, trying to fill our heads with incorrect notions and completely ignoring our needs to learn defensive magic. She's implied that all Muggles are dirty, unwholesome people because they partake in the oh-so-vile act of fucking each others' brains out to make children, and we all know there are 'other methods' of doing it. Who does she think she is? I would have loved to put that prude bitch in her place!"

Hermione assumed all-out- rant mode, surprising Harry with her colorful language. (He still wasn't used to his bookworm best friend swearing when they were alone, both when she was mad and aroused.) It had never occurred to him that Hermione would hate Bumridge as much as he did.

As Hermione began to calm down, Harry remarked, "I guess I never thought you'd want to be a part of something like that. Pranking people in general just doesn't seem to be your kind of thing."

Hermione sighed. "It's usually not, Harry, but even in general I still would want to help you. Even if I don't particularly like it by myself, I always like doing things with you and helping you. I mean, you don't think I'd watch Quidditch if you didn't play, do you?"

Harry smiled. "If you ever want to ride my broomstick, just say the word." His smile retreated under Hermione's unamused stare. "Sorry. Couldn't resist."

"Anyway," Hermione continued, choosing to ignore Harry's remark, "it's pretty obvious you had help from Fred and George. No offense, but that didn't look like something you could make on your own. So the next time you decide to do something like that, don't just ignore me, ok? It makes me feel like I'm not important to you."

"Hermione, you're like the most important person I have. I'd be dead by now without you."

She smiled, and Harry could tell that she'd been more worried about her supposed unimportance than she had said.

"Next time I'll seek your help when I want to make moaning chalk or a quill that turns into a penis. I'm sure you'd be quite entertained."

Hermione frowned for a moment, thinking. "How did you get those models and sounds, by the way?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the moaning and shapes were too realistic to have just been made up on the spot. Someone must have designed them or made them. If you didn't get them, that means Fred and George..."

They both stood there in silence for a few seconds, Harry for the first time wondering where the twins were getting stuff like that.

"Best not to think about that," Hermione muttered. "Anyway, if you need some new voice acting for things like that chalk, I'm sure together we can come up with something...convincing."

Harry grinned. "I would be happy to assist you."

"Well," Hermione remarked, "it's getting late. I think it's time we started getting ready for bed."

With that, Hermione's pants fell to the floor, revealing her tight red panties underneath. Harry smiled, and he too began undressing. For the past week, getting ready for bed had consisted of Harry fingering Hermione and Hermione jerking Harry off before they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Needless to say, it was quite enjoyable. Both had gotten very, very good at their respective tasks. Harry could get Hermione to cum at least twice, and Hermione had found a charm that would clean away the cum that Harry shot all over the place. Because of the new cleaning ease, Harry had begun spraying onto much more satisfying targets than some old shirt. The sight of Hermione with white, sticky cum all over her tits, or covering her face and dripping down her chin, was something that Harry simply couldn't get enough of, and Hermione loved the feeling of Harry's warm seed on her skin. Their evening events, once all cleaned up, resulted in both parties falling into a deep, relaxing sleep afterwards.

After he finished removing his clothing, Harry lay down on the bed, eagerly awaiting Hermione's soft touch. However, when a naked Hermione joined him on the bed, she surprised Harry by coming over to straddle him near his knees.

"Hermione, what are you doing?"

"Harry, haven't you gotten tired of this routine? Us using our hands to pleasure each other?"

"Nope," Harry answered honestly, grinning. "Gotta say I've enjoyed every minute."

"Oh, me too," added Hermione. "It's just that, well, I think we should bring things up a notch. Maybe move on to Sexual Activity 102." With that, Hermione bent down and gave Harry Junior a light kiss on the head, causing Harry to sharply breath in.

"If you're fine with this, I definitely am." Harry managed to get the last words out just as Hermione's tongue, in one fluid motion, slid across the underside of his dick, causing Harry to let out a moan.

"What do you think, Harry?" Hermione asked cheekily. "Try something new?"

"Oh fuck yeah." Harry replied eagerly.

"Not sure if I'll be able to fit you entirely in, but that doesn't mean I won't try!"

Hermione then lowered her mouth down upon Harry Junior, slowly surrounding Harry's member with her mouth. Harry moaned louder as Hermione's tongue slid around in her mouth, attacking and stroking his very happy basilisk. Hermione began bobbing up and down, blowing and sucking repeatedly as she did so. Each time she came down, her mouth went a little lower down Harry's shaft.

The feeling of Hermione's mouth felt amazing to Harry. It was warm and wet, and her tongue and throat muscles were doing more than her hands alone ever could. If her pussy felt this good, Harry wasn't sure how long he'd be able to last in there. He could feel himself already about to burst.

Finally, with a deep breath, Hermione managed to get all of Harry's length down. Her lower lip was brushing against his balls, and her nose was pressing against Harry's dark hair right above his manhood.

Harry could finally endure no more. He tried to warn Hermione, but all he could manage was a grunt. Hermione felt his balls tighten and tried to tell him something, but her words were unintelligible with her mouth stuffed full of cock. The vibrations that came with her attempt at speech pushed Harry over the edge. Instinctively pushing deeper into Hermione and grabbing her head with one hand, he launched burst after burst of cum down her waiting throat.

A few moments later, Harry regained conscious thought, he looked over to see Hermione smiling at him. She slowly swallowed the huge load before again smiling happily at Harry. A little bit of cum was slowly dribbling out the corners of her mouth, but with a few flicks of her tongue it was gone. She then bent down and cleaned the remaining cum off of Harry Junior. When she lifted her head back up, Harry could only stare at her with in stunned silence.

"So," she asked casually, fixing her hair a bit, "how did that feel?"

Harry nervously chuckled. "About a million times better than anything ever, by myself or with you."

Hermione smiled and lay down on her back next to Harry, spreading her legs. "Ready to return the favor?"

He stared at her more. "You mean…?"  
"Mmm hmm."

"With my tongue?"

"That's right."

"Oh yeah!" Harry slowly got up and positioned himself in front of Hermione's glistening slit, already sopping wet and ready for attention. There wasn't a single hair to be seen on her smooth lips, which Harry was glad of. A bit hesitantly, Harry gently brushed his tongue against Hermione's entrance, causing her to shiver.

"That's it," Hermione practically whispered. "Just do the same thing you did with your finger last night."

Encouraged, Harry stuck his tongue a little more firmly onto her, bringing another shiver. As he continued, growing bolder and bolder, Harry tried to understand taste he was receiving. Hermione's salvia was one thing, but this was another altogether. His tongue, which could normally determine sweet, salty, spicy, and tangy, just couldn't handle what it was picking up. All Harry knew was that this was Hermione's taste, and it was just as beautiful as the rest of her.

Hermione, like Harry, didn't last nearly as long as she had during their usual activity. Harry's tongue, sliding over her smooth lips and teasing her clit, occasionally venturing into her depths, was so much more stimulating than fingers, hers or his. Soon she was screaming his name as he buried his face between her legs.

Five minutes later both Harry and Hermione had cleaned up and calmed down. Turning out the lights and sliding under the covers, Hermione settled in flush next to Harry so that he was gently spooning her. Huddling closely together, Hermione couldn't help but sigh.

"That was definitely the best yet," she happily remarked.

"Oh yeah. Definitely fun to try new things," Harry added.

"Just think. Not too long ago, we didn't even consider kissing each other plausible." Hermione giggled. "Now we're doing a whole new form of kissing."

"I've gotta say," Harry whispered in her ear, "you are so different from the innocent girl I had thought you were."

Hermione smiled, slowly grinding her ass against him. "What gave it away? When I put shoved your entire cock in my mouth?"

"That certainly helped shatter the image." Harry agreed.

"I wasn't even sure I could do that. Took me a while, too. Oh well, practice makes perfect."

"Of course." Harry grinned, looking forward to the next practice that tomorrow would bring.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ First off, very sorry for the wait. Between new jobs, looming deadlines, and computer trouble, I haven't had a whole lot of time to write. Things are up and running now, though I'm not sure how consistent I'll be. Anyway, thanks for your patience and I hope you liked the chapter. I've gotten a lot of questions about Deflora Bumridge. A lot of your ideas and explanations are more creative than mine. My creative genius went so far as "Hey look, if you move the 'b' to the front, it sounds funny!" A little more thought went into 'Deflora,' but not much. So yeah. Pretty much the same character as the original, though with different insane motives. As for pairings go, based on your comments and the different path the story is following than I initially had in mind, Harry's probably going to have at most one or two other close sexual interests. Probably just one, who's friends with Harry and Hermione. The main candidates right now are Luna Lovegood and Daphne Greengrass. Ron will probably do more jumping around. Let me know how you guys feel about that pairing stuff, plus the whole thing with Ginny. Half of you want Draco and half of you hate him. Make up your minds! But yeah, please let me know what though. I'm always open to ideas and suggestions. It's nice to hear what you guys think. Thank you all for your patience and your continued support! Hopefully you will hear from me again soon.**


	7. Things Get Sirius

"Sirius finally wrote back?" Hermione asked excitedly as Harry retrieved the letter from Hedwig. They were standing in their quarters, eyeing the beautiful snowy owl who had just landed in front of the window.

"It looks like it!" Harry smiled. It had been a long time since he'd heard back from his godfather, and he had been starting to worry. Sirius would never be described as a formal or very punctual wizard, but his latest response had certainly taken a long time to come through. Harry hoped that his godfather wasn't in greater danger than he let on. Harry had been at Hogwarts for almost three weeks already, and in that time this was the first letter from Sirius that he'd received. In those three weeks, Harry's life had dramatically changed from multiple standpoints.

Once Harry took the letter and had sufficiently greeted Hedwig, who then flew back to the owlery to recuperate, he couldn't help but just sit and stare at the envelope for a little bit.

"You know, Harry," Hermione nudged, breaking the silence, "the whole point of being delivered a letter is that you read it." He looked up and she gestured meaningfully to what Hedwig had just delivered. "I don't see why you're waiting. Normally you'd be tearing the envelope open even before Hedwig had let go."

Harry returned his gaze to the letter and sighed. "I guess I'm just a bit worried about what it will say. Maybe something's happened. Plus, things are a lot different for me too. I've changed a lot. What will he say when he finds out?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. She walked over to Harry, sat down next to him, and put her arm around him. "Harry, this is Sirius. I can't think of anyone else, outside this school, who cares more for you. He'd risk anything for you, Harry. He'll care for you no matter what." Hermione paused, letting the deep stuff sink in.

"Besides," she added, rolling her eyes again and smiling, "you know the first things he'll say when he finds out about you and me: 'About time!' and 'Holstered your wand yet?' or some other stupid euphemism."

Harry stared at Hermione in shock for a few moments before they both burst into laughter. Hermione was probably dead right, as usual. Harry could easily imagine Sirius saying those exact things. But she was right about the other stuff too, Harry knew, and that comforted him.

"I guess I better open it up." Harry grinned and began breaking the seal of the envelope. As he felt Hermione's hair brush up against his head and her chin on his shoulder, Harry added, "I suppose you'd like me to hold it so you can read it to?"

Hermione did her best to look surprised. "Why, Harry, I wouldn't dream of it. That's a private letter between you and Sirius. However, if you'd like me to…"

"And do I want you to?" Harry smiled, rolling his eyes.

"I think you do, yes." Hermione was smiling too now.

Harry sighed. "I believe now I'm supposed to say something along the lines of 'Yes, dear' but I simply can't muster up the courage."

"That's fine," Hermione innocently replied, tucking her feet in as she and Harry settled on the couch, "just hurry up and open the letter." Harry did so, and they both began to read.

 _ **Harry-**_

 _First of all, I hope you're doing fine. At least, as fine as someone like you can hope to be. First Voldemort, and now all this new craziness with the Ministry. I've heard a lot of disturbing things, and I'm practically living under a rock, so I probably don't even know the worst of it. Actually, a cave is rock, so right now I'm literally living under a rock. Anyway, my point is, be safe and be smart Harry. Who knows what's to come from all of this? My recommendation right now is to lay low, maybe contribute to the Ministry's little baby boom hopes. Settle down with a nice, smart, brown-haired, smart, intelligent, smart, well-known, smart girl. There should be one pretty close by for you. (If you couldn't tell, I've decided to take a less subtle approach with my match-making.)_

 _I know you've been worrying about me, but there really isn't that much to worry about. Just like the Ministry doesn't want to let me go, they also don't want to end the chase. That would be just as bad as giving me up, leaving them with nothing to do and no sheep to 'protect.' I've been making my way back toward you, leading them on a false trail to a little dump known as Number 4 Privet Drive. Hopefully Aurors will be ripping up the floorboards and digging up the daisies within a week. We can only hope for massive property damage. But yeah, not much to worry about. Biggest scare was finding a horny alpha wolf during mating season. But let's not go there (thankfully, neither did the wolf)._

 _The point I'm trying to make here, Harry, is that you don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. The Ministry and I are kind of at a stalemate: they can't catch me, but I can't legally defend myself or put a stop to the search. Stay safe, Harry. I'll try to contact you more once I'm closer, and maybe we'll be able to meet in person again soon. Give my best to Ron and Hermione._

 _ **Sirius**_

"Wow." Hermione giggles were muffled by Harry's shoulder. "Sirius certainly seems set on putting you with someone. I wonder who she could be."

"Hmm…" Harry pretended to think. "Maybe Parvati?"

Hermione hit his shoulder in mock anger. "Very funny. It is interesting, though, how he and the Ministry are kind of locked together. Neither one will benefit from catching him, and the Ministry doesn't want to end the chase either, even though he's too elusive for them."

Harry smiled maliciously. "It makes me laugh, thinking about all their effort for nothing. Oh, I hope they try to arrest the Dursleys...I can only imagine how high he's bringing their budget."

Hermione's eyes lit up. "Oh! I just remembered!" She ran off, coming back moments later with a stack of papers. "What you said about budgets reminded me of something I found the other day!"

"Aren't those the papers that we looked through a while ago?"

"You mean the papers that you pretended to look at before placing in the 'Done' pile?"

"Um….yeah. Those."

"Yes, they are," Hermione answered, returning her attention to the daunting stack. "Let's see here...I just saw it the other day so it must be near the top...I still haven't even made my way through a third of these, we've been sort of, uh, busy….Ah! Here we go!"

Hermione triumphantly held up a piece of paper that looked like a bank statement. Harry took it and looked at it carefully, unsure of what he was seeing.

"Uh...Hermione? This looks like a bank statement."

"That's right!"

"So...what's so important about it?"

Hermione sighed. "Harry, because of how the Ministry paired us, we're legally married and emancipated. Because of this, for all the paired couples they merged our two accounts and gave us all a bit of spending money to use for a wedding."

"Wait, wedding?" Harry's eyes widened in fear.

"That's right."

"What do we need that for?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe so that we can socialize, proclaim our relationship openly to everyone, talk to my parents…"

"P-p-parents! What? Why do we...I mean, I….you…"  
"Harry, they're my parents! I think they deserve to know if I'm married! Did you think we'd never see them?"

"We...that, is you could….visit...I could hide…"  
"Harry, there's no need to be shy. Mum and Dad are very nice, and I'm sure they'll accept you just fine, even if the circumstances are a bit weird. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to point out…"

Harry sighed. Seeing Harry's relieved expression, Hermione added, "Don't think you're getting out of anything."

Very eager to put this conversation away for a later (hopefully much later) date, Harry quickly asked, "So what was it that's so important?"

"Well," Hermione replied, settling back into research and teach mode, "since we're married, our Gringotts accounts should be merged. However, that wasn't the case. Instead of merging our two personal accounts, like what would normally be done, I was instead brought into your family one. With me so far?"

Harry nodded. So far this all made sense.

"Right," Hermione continued, "so I did some digging, trying to figure out what's up with your account. We don't know a whole lot about your family, except your parents, but we know they left you some money. However, most people use both a family account and a personal account. The family one is for more legal, family-related issues or purchases, while the personal account is for day-to-day expenses. There's only one reason I could find for you not having your own personal account."

"Wait," Harry interrupted, "I've never made a personal account or anything. I just used that key Hagrid gave me back in First Year."

Hermione shook her head. "That shouldn't matter, Harry. A new account is made automatically for you the first time you enter Gringotts. In fact, your parents probably made you one when you were born. A personal account only disappears or merges into a family account for one reason."

Hermione took a breath, purposely pausing for dramatic effect. "Harry, as a newly emancipated, legal adult, you are now the Head of the House of Potter!"

Harry stared at her, mouth open. "Me?"

Hermione smiled. "Yes, you. You knew you didn't have family left on the Potter side, so it shouldn't be that much of a surprise."

"I guess," Harry replied, still a bit shaken, "I just didn't realize our pairing made me the Head. I never really thought about my inheritance or family standings."

"Plus," Hermione added helpfully, "as a Head of House, you now have access to the Potter Manor, assuming one exists, any other owned properties and investments, and a seat on the Wizengamot. And, since we're married, you and I are now Lord and Lady Potter!"

"Are you serious?" Harry took a deep breath. This was all a lot to take in!

"No," said Hermione, smiling profusely, "that would be your godfather."

"Ha ha, Hermione. Very funny." Harry had lost count of how many times he'd heard that before. Sirius's parents seriously had a lot to answer for.

"All joking aside," Hermione added, getting up off of the couch, "I think we should pay a visit to Gringotts in the near future and figure out what this is all going to mean. Dumbledore would also be good to talk to. And maybe Sirius, Neville, and Ron too. We were both Muggle-raised, so I'm sure there's a lot we don't know."

"What? Are you saying there's a lot you don't know? How can this be?" Harry grinned. Hermione would pay for her lack of seriousness regarding the name Sirius.

"Yes there is, Mr. Potter." Hermione replied. "For instance, I don't know how much to include in my next letter to my parents. Maybe I should mention you?"

That shut Harry up quick.

"I'm going to take a shower," Hermione remarked, walking toward the bathroom. "Why don't you actually read a few of those papers?"

"Or I could join you…" Harry cheekily suggested. Hermione thought about it, but shook her head. "Maybe we can try something like that tomorrow. I was thinking, just to make things official for my Ladyship, we should consummate our marriage."

With that she casually left the room. It took Harry a few moments to realize what Hermione had just said, but when he did his heart started beating so hard he worried that she might hear it. Eyes wide, he rushed over to the desk and began looking through papers, eager to try and pass the time until Hermione was ready for 'bed.'

* * *

About forty-five minutes later, Harry was just beginning to look through a paragraph on his emancipation when he heard a knock on the door. Relieved to have some distraction from all the reading, Harry made his way over to the portrait.

" _I guess Dumbledore decided to just talk to me in person, rather that answer my letter,"_ Harry thought. Before reading, he had sent letters to Dumbledore and Sirius asking about Houses and responsibilities. Both had known his father and probably his grandparents, so they might even know some specifics regarding House Potter. Harry had figured he'd just catch Ron and Neville after class sometime to talk.

When he walked over to the door, however, Harry was extremely surprised to be staring at the face of Ginny Weasley. Instead of her regular attire, Ginny appeared to be wearing a set of extremely revealing, red and pink dress robes. Or pajamas. Or something. Harry didn't really dare look at anything below Ginny's neck after realizing what she was wearing.

"Hey, Harry," Ginny seductively whispered. "You wanna let me in?"

"Uhhhhh" Harry had no idea what to do. Ginny's intentions were obvious, and Hermione was in the shower. What was he to do?

"Thanks," Ginny replied brightly, showing herself in and pulling Harry with her toward the couch. She gently pushed him onto it, and Harry fell over top the cushions, still paralyzed with surprise and fear.

"I see you're already as excited as I am!" Ginny mused, looking at Harry's erect member. In truth, Harry Junior hadn't been able to rest ever since Hermione's proposal before entering the shower. Harry tried to tell Ginny this, tried to explain him and Hermione, tried to say something, anything, but what came out was an incoherent mess. Before he could try again, Ginny interrupted.

"Ever since they told us about the laws and repopulation, I haven't stopped thinking of you! Mum's been wanting grandbabies for ages, and you're practically a son to her already! She'll be thrilled, don't you think!"

"Ginny, I-"

"Oh, don't worry, I know we'll both enjoy it! It's fine if you're a bit nervous. Take it from me, tonight's going to be a night you'll never forget!"

Harry had been anticipating this already, even before Ginny came. Now he was even more certain, yet he was decidedly less excited about experiencing it. Hopefully he'd live through the night. Ginny, Harry worried, might not be so lucky.

"Ginny, maybe we should talk about this..."

"Oh, Harry, we've been talking enough already. I think it's time to share things words alone can't express. Let's get serious."

"Uh, he's quite far away. It'll take, um, a lot of time. Maybe you should, well, go back to your room and wait, maybe?" Ginny shushed Harry, putting a finger to his lips, and moved in for the kill.

Ginny slowly moved over to Harry, planting herself right over his chest. Harry was finding it harder and harder to breathe, and Ginny's weight wasn't the reason. Ginny slowly lowered herself down so that her face was inches away from Harry's. She looked at him and frowned.

"Harry, you look absolutely terrified. What's wrong?" A thought struck her, and her eyes widened as she leaned in right next to his ear. "You are, um, into witches, aren't you Harry?" Harry gulped, about to defend himself and speak his mind, when he and Ginny both heard a door slam.

"Sorry for the wait Harry, but I needed to get changed. I think you'll find that it was worth the wait-"

Hermione stopped, wide eyed, as she saw a scantily clad Ginny Weasley straddling her terrified-looking husband. Ginny looked absolutely frozen in shock while Harry silently mouthed the words "help me."

Ginny, in turn, was staring at Hermione as if she were a ghost. Actually, Ginny didn't mind ghosts. They were sometimes annoying, but they generally left her alone. All except Moaning Myrtle. If that girl had been as annoying alive as she was as a ghost, Ginny almost couldn't blame the basilisk.

Instead, Ginny stared at Hermione as if the girl in front of her were Voldemort, back from the dead, and clad in a blood-splattered chicken suit without a head. However, Hermione wasn't wearing a blood-splattered chicken suit without a head. She wasn't even wearing a chicken suit of any kind. In fact, she wasn't wearing much at all.

Hermione was clad, much to Harry's surprise and delight, in matching black lingerie. A black, lacy bra barely contained her beautiful breasts. Down below, she was wearing black, lacy panties. And, best of all, she was wearing a black garter belt with stockings. Even in this strange, awful encounter, Harry could feel himself getting hard just looking at Hermione.

Finally, Hermione regained her composure (though she was blushing like mad), and turned to glare at the young Weasley girl. With a deep breath, obviously trying to control herself, Hermione's piercing gaze burned right through Ginny.

"Ginny," she ventured, her voice quivering with contained rage, "why in the name of Merlin's hairy ball sack are you in our fucking quarters?!"

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, there you go, another chapter is done! Ha ha, I bet a lot of you were looking forward to Harry getting laid, weren't you? Too bad! Gotcha! Anyway, Ginny and Sirius have now entered the story, and things are heating up. I'm still taking suggestions for stuff, since not much is set in stone. Any praise, critiques, or comments are welcome! Thanks for reading, as always. This story has over 400 follows, which is great! Thanks again, all of you, and in all Sirius-ness I wish you the best.**


	8. Tempers Rise

"Ginny…" Hermione's voice was quivering due to her barely contained rage. Harry slowly tried to inch away from his wife, who was now staring at the red-haired Weasley girl like Uncle Vernon staring at a helpless, terrified, sugar-coated donut that had just attempted to escape his massive jowls. Except her gaze was even more terrifying.

"Let's try this again." Hermione's face suddenly dispelled all her rage. In a few seconds, she had changed from revenge-seeking, eye-dagger-shooting terror to mild-mannered-looking, ordinary Hermione. She even had an innocent smile on her face. Ginny looked somewhat relieved, but Harry wasn't fooled. This new Hermione was even scarier. She looked harmless, but Hermione was just waiting to strike at the unprepared girl.

" _At least,"_ Harry thought grimly, " _I'm not getting blamed for this. Better Gin-Gin than me!"_

"Alright, Ginny," Hermione asked in a falsely sweet, girly voice, "what are you doing here with Harry?"

"Well, you see, I was just hanging around…"

"Yes…"

"And I was feeling a bit lonely…"

"Uh huh…"

"And I thought to myself, you know, Harry's probably pretty good. I bet he'd make a great dad. And since the Ministry wants these babies anyway...and so does my Mum…"

"Go on…"

"I...um...thought I might...well...take advantage of these new laws and...try to sleep with Harry?"

Hermione frowned ever so slightly. "I see. You didn't see anything...oh...wrong with this?"

Now Ginny looked confused. "Well, no, not really. That's the whole thing with these convenient new laws. I help Harry get lucky, which I know he'd enjoy. Harry gets me pregnant, and that puts me in a good place with Mum and the Ministry. Plus I help save the magical race. Isn't that why you're here?" Ginny looked at Hermione questioningly. Harry thought he saw steam come out of Hermione's ears, but he could have been just hallucinating. In all honesty, his mind hadn't really been fully operational since Ginny came in.

"No Ginny," Hermione answered, much too patiently and kindly. "I am here because, as of the last three weeks, I am now married to Harry." Hermione let that little tidbit sink in.

"You mean…" Ginny's face turned redder than her hair, which was quite the achievement.

"Yes."

"You and Harry…?"

"Mmm hmm."

"So that means I just…"

"Correct."

Ginny, for the first time, realized just how screwed she really was (and not by the person she had been wanting to get screwed by). Ginny's eyes were wide as Hedwig's glowing orbs, and she looked in horror at the brunette girl.

"Oh Hermione! Please don't be mad! I swear, I didn't know! It won't happen again!"

"Oh I'll make sure of that," Hermione muttered.

Ginny was too focused on her pleading to notice, but Harry heard the words loud and clear. If things weren't so serious, and if Harry wasn't afraid of Hermione's revenge, he might have conjured up some popcorn to watch the show. Wisely, Harry decided that an action like this probably wouldn't coincide with his hopes of survival. Instead, he continued to slowly back away and let the two girls figure it out.

"...C'mon, Hermione, let's just this put this behind us. Please don't be mad!"

"Oh I'm not mad." Hermione's face still looked calm and carefree, but her words definitely had an edge to them. If Ginny had been wise, she would have noticed this and fled for her life. However, she didn't. Poor Ginny. In terms of finances, information, and luck. Poor, poor Ginny.

"Oh good. I was worried that you'd…" Unwisely, Ginny was relieved by Hermione's statement. Ginny let her guard down. Ginny was in for a rough night. And not the kind she had come looking for.

" **I'M ABSOLUTELY LIVID!"**

Harry watched in horror as Hermione whipped out her wand. He hadn't even seen her pick it up. Hermione must have retrieved it during the confusion and Ginny's distracted pleading. Hermione slashed her wand in the air and performed an incantation that Harry had never heard before.

"Breastilus Blimpswellio!"

Harry watched in both fascination and horror as Ginny's small boobs began to grow. Unsure if this was the intended result, he looked over at Hermione. She was smiling maliciously. Harry's eyes returned back to Ginny, whose size was rapidly expanding. She went from A to B to C to D and beyond. Harry wasn't certain if he should be looking at Ginny's swelling breasts, but the sight was just too strange for him to tear his eyes away. Buttons shot away and clothing ripped, and still Ginny's bosoms continued to swell.

For some reason, Ginny began standing on her toes. Harry again glanced over at Hermione, eyebrows raised in puzzlement. She glanced back and smiled, a real smile this time, and motioned for Harry to keep watching.

It was actually somewhat disturbing, but Harry still couldn't tear his eyes from the scene. Ginny looked like she was getting lighter, and it almost seemed like she had a pair of hot air balloons for boobs. Strange.

Then something clicked in Harry's mind and he understood what was going on, just as Ginny began screaming and her hot air bazooms began to rise even more. Soon she was stuck to the ceiling, still screaming at the top of her lungs, yet unable to do anything but hang and thank her lucky stars that she wasn't anywhere near a window.

"Good thing I reinforced the Silencing Charms," Hermione brightly remarked. "Though these weren't quite the circumstances I had in mind."

It was a bit hard to hear her over the screams, which were now followed by annoyed cursing, so Harry tentatively moved closer. He was happy to see that Hermione's terrifying rage seemed to have been abated. Remembering something Ron had said long ago, Harry ventured, "You're a bit scary sometimes, you that right?" He glanced up at the floating girl. "Brilliant, but scary."

Hermione now seemed to be practically bouncing up and down with joy. "Did you really think so? You weren't just pretending to be scared?"

Harry cautiously glanced at her. "You mean you're not…"

"Oh I'm angry. Definitely angry. Terribly so." Hermione was still almost hopping with delight. "But that reaction was amazing! I really wanted to scare the shit out of her, you know? Though thankfully not literally, especially considering the spell I used. That would be a nasty carpet-cleaning job."

"Speaking of which, where did you ever find something like that?"

"In a book." Hermione was smiling triumphantly. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Wow, what a surprise. I meant, like, specifically." Maybe it was time he started looking at what books Hermione was actually reading.

"Ah. Yes. It was in the kinky library we found. There were a few body adjustment spells, which I used as the base charm, and then I sort of...improvised."

"Gotcha," remarked Harry, staring once again at the screaming figure floating in the middle of their quarters. If Molly could see Ginny's current hand gestures, she would have the girl's fingers charmed together for a month. "Wait, you went there again without me? Come on. Promise me that next time we'll go there together." Hermione smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"So," Harry hesitantly added, "are you gonna let her down, um, anytime soon?"

"Oh no. I've got loads more to try yet!" Hermione excitedly answered.

Harry's eyes widened. "Uh, are we talking like, mintues? Hours? Please not days."

Hermione just smiled her big wide smile that Harry couldn't resist. "Tell you what," she replied, after thinking for a minute. (Even thinking was hard with Ginny's screams and streams of curses that would nearly give poor Molly a heart attack. She had a pretty large lung capacity and hardly ever stopped to breathe. Hopefully brain damage would be kept to a minimum.) "Why don't you go for a little walk. When you come back, we can wrap things up."

"Wrap things up as in…"

"Actually, um, funny you mention that..."

"I'm not tying Ginny up. Hermione, she just made a mistake. Obviously a big one, but her not knowing about our relationship is largely our fault, since we still haven't publicly announced it."

"You're no fun. Don't worry, I won't hurt her. I don't want her to hate me." Hermione was whispering this so that Ginny couldn't hear. "I just want to give her some...things to think about."

"You realize that makes me in no way at all feel obligated to trust you."

"Oh, just go on your stroll," Hermione sighed, pushing Harry toward the door. "Give me and Ginny a bit of time alone. We'll...sort things out. Bye!"

* * *

Harry soon found himself outside the portrait door of his quarters with nothing but his wand, hastily thrown-on robes, invisibility cloak, and a looming sense of dread. Deciding that whatever happened next would be inevitable, seeing as how Hermione was in one of her moods, Harry decided he might as well try and kill time somehow. Hermione knew Ginny hadn't intentionally tried to break them up. Though not very innocent in intentions, Ginny's had at least been an honest mistake. Hermione wasn't stupid enough to do anything that would put her (and him, by extension) into bad relations with Ginny and her huge family. Hopefully. Regardless, Harry decided he'd return back as soon as possible.

Nearby Harry could see the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. He remembered Neville saying something about not seeing him in there much this year. In fact, Harry didn't think he'd been in the Gryffindor Common at all since he and Hermione had been paired. Deciding that maybe he should go in and say hello, Harry walked over to the portrait door where the Fat Lady was sleeping.

"Um, excuse me? Hello? Can I go in?"

The Fat Lady awoke rather grumpily. She took one look at Harry, eyed him skeptically, and yawned. "Password?"

" _Oh. Shit."_ Harry thought to himself. " _I kind of forgot the whole password thing. No one's told me the password this whole year since I haven't needed to get in! Maybe she'll listen if I just logically explain myself."_

"Password?"

"Um, yeah, about that," Harry replied, "I don't know it. Can you just let me in? Please?"

"Ha! Nice try, buddy, but you're going to have to try harder than that. Only Gryffindors can enter here. No students from other Houses. Especially not this close to curfew."

"Students from other Houses!" Harry sputtered, "I'm not from another House! I'm in Gryffindor!"

"A likely story," the obese portrait scoffed.

"Look! Right here!" Harry held up the Gryffindor symbol on his robes. "I'm a Gryffindor!"

"Like you could fool me! I bet you just changed your robes on your way over here."

"Why would I do that?!"

"Obviously," the Fat Lady replied, rolling her eyes, "you have some horrible plan to prank these brave, chivalrous students."

"Why would I prank them? I'm in Gryffindor!"

"Uh huh. Sure."

"Don't you recognize me at all?"

"Should I? I'm not used to seeing you without your Slytherin robes. Or maybe Ravenclaw. Hufflecluffs or whatever."

"I've been here four years! This is my fifth year!"

"And I've been here a lot longer. Many, many students. Such a blur of faces and names."

"Does the name Harry Potter ring a bell?"

The Fat Lady paused to think, though her over-the-top expression made Harry feel like he was being mocked. "Nope. Sorry. Good bye."

"Seriously?"

"Ah, Sirius Black. Great student. Always sneaking out and in, greeting me every time. A Gryffindor, you know. Don't believe all those nasty rumors about him."

"You remember Sirius Black?"

"Of course."

Harry let out a sigh, trying to contain his frustration. "What about James Potter? Remember him?"

"Oh yes. He was great too. Wonderful boys."

"Yeah. My dad. A Gryffindor. Like me. See the resemblance?" Harry gestured to his face, his hair, and his glasses. He'd always been told he looked just like his dad. (Except of, course, his eyes. He had his mother's eyes. People never shut up about the eyes. Always the exact same comments.)

Once again the Fat Lady mockingly stared at him. "Ummm….nope. Bye!"

Having had enough, Harry shook his his head and began to walk away. Looking over his shoulder, he shouted back, "Next time try and remember the name HARRY BLOODY POTTER!"

Amazingly, right as he finished saying his name, the portrait door swung open at once, revealing the Gryffindor Common Room entrance and a very surprised Ron Weasley standing just inside.

"Damn it!" Ron shook his head, clearly annoyed.

"It was great while it lasted," the Fat Lady lamented. "A shame he figured out the password. Nice idea with the Sirius mention, by the way."

"Nice ad lib with the Hufflecluffs thing."

"Thanks."

"Wait a minute, hold on," Harry quickly walked back over. The Fat Lady was now pretending to be asleep, and Ron was trying not to laugh. "The password to the Common Room was 'Harry Bloody Potter'?" Are you kidding me?"

"You gotta admit it's easy to remember," Ron pointed out, chuckling now.

"And you were right inside…"

"Yup."

"Telling her what to say..."

"For the most part."

"Making me think she didn't remember me and keeping me out of the Common Room?!"

"Pretty much!" Ron was beaming, and Harry found it hard to stay annoyed. Admittedly, it was kind of funny. It would have been much funnier had it been someone else, but that was beside the point.

"Out of curiosity," he asked, stepping inside, "what would you guys have done if I hadn't accidentally guessed the password?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"Never mind."

"Why are you here, anyway?"

"Well," Harry sighed, "Hermione needed a little bit of privacy, and I certainly wasn't one to turn her down."

* * *

"Well, Ginny," Hermione joyfully asked, "now that we're alone, what do you think we should do?"

"PUT ME DOWN NOW, HERMIONE!"

"Whoops, sorry, don't think I can do that yet. I seem to have forgotten how to counter the spell. Oh well, now we can just spend some quality time together." Hermione grinned, walking over to a little stack of books that hadn't been in the bedroom the night before.

"Hermione! It was an accident! Now that I know, I won't try to get between you guys!"

"Well, I should hope not! Look what I've found! It's storytime! A nice story book to read. Here's the title: _Kinky Sex Stories_."

"NOOOO! JUST STOP ALREADY!"

"Chapter 1: The Pussy Cat and the One-Eyed Snake …

* * *

"So, Ron, how are things with you?" Harry asked, walking through the Common Room and having nostalgic thoughts.

"Well, kinda boring actually," Ron replied. "With no Dark Lord to harass us, it sort of makes the school year feel pointless and empty. Do you realize that this is the first year that we aren't spending almost all our free time researching evil people, places, or things? I'd gotten so used to it that, now that it's gone, it just doesn't feel like Hogwarts anymore."

Harry sighed. Ron was right. Things were pretty peaceful around here, which was certainly a new thing. Harry had Hermione and their awkward/exciting/weird/stimulating relationship to keep him busy, but Ron had none of that. Ron had less, since he wasn't hanging out with Harry and Hermione as much.

"We need to find something new to do," Harry decided. "If evil isn't going to give us any fun this year, then we're just going to have to make our own fun. The only problem is, I have no idea what we should do. Any ideas?"

"Nope." Ron shook his head, disappointed. "We could take stuff up to a new level with Bumridge, but Fred and George's supplies haven't arrived yet. Not to mention, we don't want to push our luck with the rest of the staff turning a blind eye."

Harry nodded. Best to spread things out instead of doing everything at once and then getting in trouble.

"Well," Harry added, "Sirius is still on the run, so we can't do anything fun with him. Unless you count trying to help him legally and conversing with politicians fun."

"Nope."

"Didn't think so. Quidditch is the only thing we've got planned in the near future, but it's not up to full time yet. There's just that and me visiting Gringotts."

"Why are you visiting Gringotts?" Ron asked. Harry remembered that he needed to talk to Ron about his new position. However, he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to him in the Gryffindor Common Room, empty though it might seem. When he voiced these concerns to Ron, the redhead simply shrugged before casting a spell that Harry had never heard of.

"Ron," Harry asked, looking at his best (male) friend in surprise, "where did you learn that spell and what does it do?"

Ron sighed. "As I said, Harry, I've been really bored. Extremely bored. So I started reading some library books. Just a few, nothing much. I've got an image to keep up. But I found this spell in them. It shields the caster's conversations and prevents anyone from overhearing or eavesdropping on them."

"Well," Harry nodded, "that is pretty good. Hermione would be proud." Both his friends were learning new spells. Harry decided that, next time he had some free time, he would do his own research. He couldn't let himself fall behind.

"Speaking of Hermione, how are things going with you two?" Ron asked.

"Pretty well, actually."

"Yet you're still here, at kind of an odd time. You're not in trouble with her, are you?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I don't think. Actually, I'd be more worried about Ginny." Harry shuddered, thinking about the horrible torture Ginny was being put through. Listening through Hermione's lectures on school work and complex magical theory were boring torture enough. He'd seen her stash of kinky books. Ginny, raised in a very conservative pure-blood family, was probably in for a rude awakening, if she hadn't already experienced it. Bookworms could be so cruel.

"Ginny?" Ron seemed quite confused. "But what would Ginny have to do with you and Hermione?... Oh fuck." Ron's eyes widened, and he began quickly talking quietly to himself. "She was about as blind to Harry and Hermione's connection as those two were. She knows Mum's stressing about her empty nest, and she had that huge crush on Harry." Nervously turning his gaze back upon an embarrassed Harry, Ron began, "Please don't tell me that she..."

"Yup."

"Hermione wasn't..."

"She was in the bathroom. When she came out, Ginny was..."

"Oh bloody hell."

"So now Hermione's kicked me out for a while so she and Ginny can have a little...talk."

Ron rolled his eyes. "No doubt she's somehow immobilized Ginny and forcing her to listen to some awful lecture-rant combination. We both know she always wanted to do that to us."

"She was already caught before I left, but yeah, my thoughts exactly. I think Ginny's little stunt pushed her over the edge, caving in to her desires to force-feed information."

"Well, Hermione's not dumb enough to completely ruin her relationship with Ginny because of Ginny being stupid. I don't envy Ginny, though. Wonder what Gin's being forced to learn," Ron mused.

"Actually," Harry replied, "I'm doing my best not to think about it. Anyway, you wanted to know about Gringotts, so here's the story…"

* * *

"Well, Ginny," Hermione happily asked, "wasn't that a great story?"

"MMMMMFFFFF!" Ginny didn't seem to agree.

"That didn't make you feel awkward or guilty, did it? Listening to me read a book of kinky sex stories, knowing what I might in the future read it for and with whom I might read it?"

"MMMMMFFFF!" Ginny was really regretting coming here.

"I especially liked the informative side-note on the Ball Gag Charm, didn't you? You certainly stopped complaining after that. I think it's really cute how we made yours looks like a little Snitch." Hermione smiled, looking up at the unfortunate Weasley girl.

"MMMFFF!" Ginny did not like having a ball gag resembling a Snitch that prevented her from apologizing/yelling/cursing/all of the above. Ginny did not like listening to Hermione read kinky stories.

"That's what I thought," Hermione replied smugly, returning the book to the pile. "I think now it's time for another story, but this one won't be from a book. It's a little fairy tale I made up. Wanna hear it?"

"MMFF!" Ginny did not want to hear it. Not at all. She'd heard Hermione once tell some nasty Muggle fairy tale called Little Red Riding Hood. Wolves and grandmothers should never mix.

"It's called, _Prince Harry, Princess Hermione, and the Unfortunate Troll Who Tried to Separate Them_. Sounds great, right?"

"MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFF!" Ginny wished she could run out of the room screaming. She had a sinking feeling that this new fairy tale would be even worse.

"Glad to hear it. Let's begin. Once upon a time, there lived a handsome Prince named Harry. He lived happily with the beautiful, extremely intelligent Princess Hermione. Now, they were both very happy, until the day a red troll decided to try and steal Harry for itself…"

* * *

"So," Harry finished, "that's how I realized that I am now the Head of the House of Potter."

"Wow," Ron exclaimed, surprised. "I kind of forgot that you were raised by Muggles. Especially since you stayed with us last summer, since Voldemort was gone."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "That's why I'm going to Gringotts. I'll probably have lots of stuff to look over and lots to learn."

"So do you know how much money your family account?" Ron asked excitedly.

"No, Ron."

"What about extra properties? Maybe a nice, out of the way cottage or some big building you can charge rent for?"

"No idea, Ron."

"In what shape is Potter Manor, if it exists? I've never heard of it, but according to Dad the Potters have always been sorta secretive."

"Don't know, Ron."

"And speaking of its condition, what about house elves? Do you have any?"

"Ron, I have no idea."

"What if you've got a big share of some companies, Harry? Maybe you could take over the Daily Prophet, or Flourish and Blotts, or the Leaky Cauldron!"

"Yeah, Ron that would be cool. Only problem is that I don't know any of that stuff. None. That's why I'm going to Gringotts in the first place."

Ron nodded, his questions silenced. "I guess I'm just used to knowing all about my family. Don't worry, Harry. I'm sure you'll find it all out. And, speaking of house elves, I bet you've at least got one."

"You mean..."

"Yup."

"Dobby…?" Harry tentatively called. Instantly, the little elf popped into existence right next to Harry.

"Greetings, Master Harry Potter sir! Dobby is happy to see you doing well. How can Dobby be pleasing you, Master Harry Potter sir?"

"Uhhh...well Dobby, I was...um…"

"He wants to know if you'd like to work for him once he figures out where his properties are." Ron butted in, seeing Harry's hesitation.

Dobby's eyes widened, and the little elf seemed to nearly float in the air with joy. "Dobby would be honored, Master Harry Potter sir! Yous tell Dobby where Dobby needs to go, and Dobby will do whatever Master Harry Potter needs!" With a snap of his fingers, the little elf was gone with a soft 'pop.'

"Really, Ron?" Harry sighed. "You didn't need to say that. What will Hermione say when she finds out we've employed Dobby?"

"Harry, mate, you've gotta understand. House elves aren't some poor, oppressed breed. They like, no, they need to be bonded. You've only met two house elves, and neither came from families that you'd expect anything good from. Don't try and judge them all based on those two. Dobby wants to work for you, and we all know you're not going to treat him poorly. Even if Hermione doesn't like the system, she has to accept that Dobby wants to work for you and that's his call. If it really bothers you, set something up with him. Give him wages, a day off, whatever. He won't want them, but it won't feel like enslavement then."

Harry nodded. Ron's points were valid, and he would certainly need someone like Dobby to help out. He'd ask Dobby about pay later. Now, however, Harry decided that he should probably go back to his quarters. He'd been away long enough for whatever sadistic lecture-torture Hermione had planned. If she wasn't done yet, Harry would have to finish it for her. Harry felt somewhat honored by Hermione's defensiveness of him, but Ginny was still their friend. A misinformed friend, but if he and Hermione had announced their relationship, it wouldn't have happened. They were partially to blame for this whole problem. Harry bid Ron farewell, promising to rescue Ginny from whatever terrible learning she was being force-fed, and made his way back to where Hermione and Ginny were.

Just as he opened the door, Harry heard a loud scream followed by an even louder splattering sound. " _Bloody hell,"_ Harry thought to himself. " _Did we underestimate Hermione's defensiveness of me?_ _What is Hermione doing? Please, please, please don't let there be a body to clean up! Ron would kill me! Then Fred would kill me, then George, then Percy, then Bill..."_

He walked into the room and found Hermione standing in the middle, smiling nervously. She was covered from head to toe in a red, sticky liquid. So was the floor, the walls, and over half of the furniture. Harry felt his stomach tighten up in worry.

"Hermione, what is all this? Where's Ginny? Why is the room all red and sticky?"

"Umm, hey Harry. Well, I guess you could say it is all red and sticky."

"Hermione…"

"Would you believe that it's special Pumpkin Juice?"

"No I would not believe that, Hermione."

"Dementor nectar?"

"No."

"Some of Fawkes's tears?"

"Tell me the truth Hermione."

"Fine," Hermione sighed. She was caught. Time to admit the truth. "I found a spell that shoots overripe cherries, so I was...um...helping Ginny with her Quidditch Seeker skills. She's caught every single one in some form or another!"

"You...what? Where's Ginny? Is she all right?"

"Up there." Hermione pointed to an extremely red and sticky area of the ceiling that seemed to be moving around somewhat.

"Why isn't she screaming or cursing at you?" Harry asked.

"I used a Ball Gag Charm," Hermione explained. Seeing Harry's smirk, she added, "And don't you dare question how I know that."

Harry shrugged. "You know you're going to have to let her go, right?"

"But Harry, I was going to transfigure her into a llama and parade her through the Great Hall! We could even give her a silly hat, like what we all wore as First Years!" Hermione whined, biting her lower lip and pouting in an expression that was irresistible. At least, it was irresistible normally. Being covered in red, sticky cherry juice makes it hard for one to pout convincingly.

"No, Hermione. Maybe we can do that to Malfoy some other time."

"Fine." Hermione cast a spell that sent Ginny slowly drifting to the ground. Soon her boobs had deflated back to normal size. Hermione gently yet quickly guided Ginny toward the door.

"Hermione?"

"Hmm?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Such as…?"

"The ball gag?"

"Oh...heh heh...of course."

Hermione quickly removed the Ball Gag Charm, causing Ginny to immediately begin speaking again. Now it was the red head's turn to be freakishly calm, and Harry didn't like it one bit.

"Goodbye, Hermione. I had a wonderful time. Next time, maybe we can switch roles."

Before Ginny could say anything more, Harry quickly guided her to the door, muttering a quick apology, and shut it. He also made sure to lock once Ginny was out.

"So…" Hermione began.

"Wait!" Harry interrupted. "Are you mad at me at all?"

"No."

"Are you still mad at Ginny?"

"Well...no. It's just so fun experimenting with all these spells. Now we're even." Harry gulped. Ginny's expression had implied something much different.

"Ok good. If I or anyone else, but especially me, ever makes you mad...at any time...promise me we'll just talk? Like, normal talking?"

"Oh Harry, are you sure?" Hermione had an evil smile on again. " I could probably adjust the Breast Inflation Charm so it makes you float by your-"

"Hermione." Harry tried not to cover that sensitive region, but instinct betrayed him. "Not funny."

"Fine. Yes, that's probably a good idea anyway." Harry sighed in relief.

"By the way," Hermione added, "We're going to have to wait on the whole marriage consummation thing."

"WHAT?" Harry cried, devastated. "Why?"

"Well, I was looking through some books, and it looks like there are plenty of magical rituals and spells we can perform using the deflowering of a virgin. We might as well make the most of the event, don't you think?"

"I guess, but…" Harry couldn't express in words the devastation that both he and Harry Junior felt.

"Don't worry. I'll find one as quick as I can. However, for tonight, I think I'll take you up on the shower offer." Hermione looked down at her red, sticky, cherry juice-covered body and smiled. "I could use a bit of help washing up."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Harry joined Hermione in the shower, taking an especially long moment to stare at her beautiful, dripping wet body.

"You're done cleaning already?" she asked, clearly surprised.

"Um….yup. I had a lot of motivation." In truth, Harry had asked Dobby to clean the room for him. The little elf had been more than happy to oblige.

"I guess now you'll have more time to help clean me off then." Hermione smiled and handed Harry the soap.

Harry proceeded to rub her warm, wet body with the slippery soap. He made sure to spend an extra long time on her thighs, ass, and breasts, causing Hermione to let out many satisfying moans of ecstasy.

When he was done cleaning Hermione off, she went on the return the favor, spending an especially long time on Harry's cock, which had had a long, hard day.

"You know," Harry managed, a few minutes after Hermione's cleaning had ended with an explosive finish, "I could definitely get used to this."

Hermione giggled, the movement of her chest causing her delicious tis to wiggle hypnotically. "Well, if we do this together every day, we'll theoretically save a ton of time and water."

Harry grinned. "Well, I think showering together should now be routine. It's our duty to the environment to help save water."

"Agreed." Hermione smiled and leaned in close to Harry. The couple shared a long, wet kiss underneath the stream of water. Neither mentioned the fact that they normally spent ten minutes each in the shower, and this combined one had lasted over forty. Oh well. The thought is what counts.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, another chapter is up, a bit earlier than normal. Ha! I bet you all were hoping Harry would get laid, weren't you? I'm quite evil, I know. By the way, if any of you haven't seen it, I highly recommend the YouTube video series Llamas with Hats. It's good fun. Please give me all your comments, questions, and concerns. I love to hear your praise and your anger (though I think I like the praise more). Thanks for reading and all your support. See you soon!**


	9. Feewds and Bad Bunnies

**/:Note:/ I had a few people PM about the last chapter, specifically on Hermione's actions. I've changed the chapter slightly to make things a little more clear on what Hermione did and did not do. It's nothing major, just a some tweaks of wording and extra dialogue to ensure that things aren't taken the wrong way. That's all. Now back to your irregularly updated programming.**

* * *

"You know, Harry," Ron exclaimed in a loud voice. "I'm not sure if-"

Ron was momentarily interrupted as a Quaffle the size of a large beach ball hurtled toward him. The redhead let out a yelp of surprise and ducked.

"You're supposed the catch the red ones, Ron," Harry added in a helpful voice, clearly amused.

"As I was saying," Ron huffed, "I'm not sure if you conjuring giant Quaffles and chucking them at me counts as 'Special Keeper/Seeker Training.'"

"Oh, come on," Harry sighed. "I had to call it something. We don't have anything to do at the end of practice." Angelina had recently declared that the last half hour of Quidditch practice would be to 'strengthen position unity' and 'synchronization.' Basically, the Chasers practiced cool, useful moves, the Beaters worked on devastating combos, and Harry and Ron tried not to be bored. Thus, giant Quaffles.

"That doesn't mean that we have to be doing this!"

"Oh come on," Harry tried to keep from chuckling. "I'm having a lot of fun watching your...um...technique. Your reflexes are improving, at least."

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to want to go toward the red ball, not run away from it."

Harry couldn't argue with that, so he decided to change the subject. "How's Ginny?"

Ron couldn't help but crack a smile at that. "She entered the Common Room covered in red, sticky liquid. We all thought it was blood, but Seamus dared Dean to taste some she left on a chair. Turns out it was cherry juice. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Harry shrugged. "That was what I found after I left the Common Room. It wasn't pretty, but, when it comes to Hermione's charms, I've seen a lot worse."

"Yeah. She could've attacked Ginny with a bunny." Ron shuddered.

"Pretty much, I was just….wait, what?" It took a moment for Harry to register what his friend had just said.

"Um, what?"

"You said she could have been attacked by a bunny." Harry's eyes narrowed.

"I...I mean...she...they…" Ron stammered, trying to make up for his slip.

"Yes?"

"Bunnies scare me." Ron mumbled quietly.

Before Harry could press Ron further, Angelina flew up beside them. Both had been so distracted by their conversation that they hadn't noticed the Captain's approach.

"Hey, Angelina," Harry stammered. "we were just, um, well…" Harry looked at Ron for help.

"Discussing tactics," Ron supplied.

"Yeah! Tactics. Like, um what to do if you see a giant Quaffle hurtling-"

"Guys," Angelina interrupted before Harry could continue their excuse, "First off, I don't really care what you do during this time as long as you're in the air and doing something other than bothering the rest of us. I get that you don't have much to do during this time since there aren't any other Keepers or Seekers. Second, I'm not here about that. We've only got about five minutes left of practice, and McGonagall told me she wanted to see you guys afterwards. You might as well just go now." With that, Angelina turned and left, leaving Harry and Ron staring at each other nervously.

"What did you do?" Harry asked accusingly.

"Me?" Ron indignantly answered. "What about you? You're more likely to break the rules then I am."

"I guess we won't know until we get there," Harry replied.

* * *

"Well," Professor McGonagall began once both boys were seated in her office, "I would first of all like to congratulate you two, as well as the rest of the team, on how things are looking for the upcoming Quidditch season. From what I've seen, we're going to have that Cup for sure this year. If only dear Severus were here so that I could brag about it and show off the Cup every waking moment. Oh well."

Harry and Ron grinned. And they had thought they were in trouble.

"Unfortunately," McGonagall continued, causing Harry and Ron to lose their relieved smiles, "the matter we must discuss in my office is of a much more serious manner."

"So," Ron grinned, winking at Harry, "what's the news on our furry friend?" Even though the Order of the Phoenix wasn't really needed, with Voldemort exploding and all, Dumbledore had still called the group together to help settle things with the summer plague and maintain order. In one of these meetings, Dumbledore had formally addressed the members to Sirius Black, innocent wizard, Animagus, Marauder, and man-child.

McGonagall blinked. "Mr. Weasley, what on earth are you talking about?"

"Um, professor, what are you talking about?" Harry asked. Realizing he needed to be a bit more clear, he added, "You just mentioned Sirius. That's how we normally refer to him: with bad puns of his name."

McGonagall's eyes widened in comprehension and she muttered something about stupid Blacks and their stupid names before replying. "You misunderstand, Mr. Potter. I was not referring to your godfather. No, I was referring to the blood feud that has been declared on the House of Potter."

Two pairs of eyes widened in surprise, and Harry and Ron turned to look at each other in shock.

"Professor, who did this? What does it mean?" Harry asked, trying not to panic.

"I bet it's the Malfoys!" Ron exclaimed. While poor Lucius had been killed because of his Mark, Draco apparently hadn't gotten his yet. Much to the disappointment of almost every Gryffindor in school, Draco Malfoy was very much alive. "Draco's definitely distressed cuz deadly Daddy Death Eater done did die!" Noticing Harry and McGonagall looking oddly at him, Ron added, "Sorry couldn't help it."

"Does this mean that Malfoy and I are now formally mortal enemies instead of just mortal enemies by mutual consent?" Harry asked.

"Harry, I bet this means you can duel him to the death!" Ron exclaimed.

"Ron, what if I lose?"

"Harry, it's Malfoy. You'd be in more danger dueling a slug. Plus there'd be less slime."

"True," Harry agreed. "So, when's the duel?" He asked, turning to McGonagall.

The transfiguration professor sighed. "Fortunately or unfortunately, the feud was not declared by Mr. Malfoy." Before the two Gryffindors could ask, she added, "The feud was actually declared against the House of Potter by House Weasley." She let that sink in.

"Wait, WHAT?" Ron exclaimed. "Who? I know I didn't. Fred and George wouldn't want to lose their business par-I mean valued friend, Bill and Charlie haven't seen Harry in ages, Percy's not that dumb, and Mum and Dad love Harry. Who does that leave to...oh. Fuck."

Harry's thoughts had followed a similar course and he came to the same startling conclusion. "Ginny declared a blood feud? Can she even do that?"

Ron shrugged. "I guess. Don't know how that makes sense, but it seems legit. That must mean it isn't quite the level of 'duel to the death,' since I think that needs a lot more paperwork and authorization. Though I didn't know there was a different kind of blood feud to be honest."

Professor McGonagall took this opportunity to step in, holding a paper in her hand. "As Miss Weasley put it, 'The feud shall be settled not by a duel of wands but by a duel of pranks, as was declared in the feud between Houses Potter and Snape. Two members of each House shall prank until one yields.' I never knew it before, but apparently that actually happened. James Potter and Severus Snape had what they called a 'prank feewd.' This type of blood feud can be declared by any member of a family against another family. By the way, though I don't think there was any doubt, I believe that Mr. Potter's father was immensely victorious."

In other situations, Harry and Ron would have been laughing uncontrollably. However, the realization that they were involved in a 'prank feewd' stifled the laughter.

"Is there any way we can decline or get out of this?" Harry asked, looking at Ron.

"What about rules?" the redheaded boy asked.

"No, Harry," a smug voice from the corner of the room answered, "there isn't." A red headed figure stepped out of the shadowy corner and into the middle of the room.

"Ginny!" Harry and Ron exclaimed in unison.

"Miss Weasley, I thought I asked you to wait in the Common Room." McGonagall sighed. "Nevermind. Just explain your conditions."

"Alright." Ginny smiled in the same malicious way Hermione had the night before. "Each House will get two combatants. Obviously Harry and Hermione are the only Potters, so they'll represent House Potter. Ron, you and I will represent our family. Fred and George refused to help for some reason, so it's just us."

"And what if I refuse?" Ron asked, annoyed.

Ginny smiled even more maliciously. "You could do that. If you want all of Hogwarts to hear about Ron Weasley and his perilous misadventure with a bunny named-"

"Stop!" Ron shouted, though his voice cracked slightly. "Fine. I'll help you. But mark my words, the next time I get some dirt on you…"

"Anyway," Ginny continued, "the prank feewd will continue until one House yields. Also, remaining unconscious for a period greater than forty-eight hours will be an automatic yield. After that, the winner will be declared."

"And what if I refuse to take part? You can't blackmail me like you did with Ron...whatever that was about. Why are you doing this, Ginny? I get that Hermione maybe went a bit overboard, but you don't have to settle things like this!" Harry wasn't sure whether to be annoyed with the situation he was in or impressed with Ginny's creativity. Time would tell.

"Harry," Ginny sighed, "I'm really not that mad at Hermione about all that. Actually, scratch that, yeah I am. What I meant to say, though, is that I'm not doing this simply for revenge, though I definitely can't wait to get Hermione back. Think about it, though. This doesn't have to be such a bad thing. It's not a serious blood feud. More like just a formal school rivalry. If you think of this as a fun activity where we try to out prank each other, it'll actually be fun."

"Well…" Harry hesitated. Ginny had a point, and he really couldn't blame her for wanting to revenge-prank Hermione.

"Plus," Ginny added, "since it's a private matter between our Houses, with the school only acting as a witness, we won't get punished for pranking. Unless you count retaliation as punishment, of course. But if you do this, I won't do anything more against Hermione because of what happened."

"Fine." Harry had to admit this wouldn't be as bad as he'd initially thought. "How do I agree?"

"Just sign this paper!" Ginny excitedly handed Harry a document titled _Prank Feewd: Weasley vs Potter_. It appeared to be the same document McGonagall had read. After checking quickly for any cheap magical pranks within the paper, Harry signed his name on the bottom line to show Potter acceptance. The paper glowed and copied itself so that both Houses had a copy. Harry handed one of the copies to Ginny.

"Can I go now?" Harry asked, turning to the two Weasleys and McGonagall. "Hermione will probably want to hear about this."

"Absolutely!" Ginny exclaimed. "Just make sure you're the one to tell her what happens when you lose."

"Wait, what?" Harry had almost been out the door before he heard Ginny's words. "What happens?"

"Didn't you read the contract, Harry?" Ginny giggled and handed the Weasley copy to Ron, who groaned loudly.

Once again worried, Harry began to read the contract. Everything was the same as the paper McGonagall had read off except for the very last line. Harry's eyes widened when he saw.

"I'm not going to bloody impregnate you if I lose!" Harry shouted.

"Too late." Ginny smiled smugly. "You already signed the contract. You'll be magically compelled to do so, and there will be nasty side effects if you resist."

"Why, Ginny? WHY?"

The red-haired girl giggled again. "First, I really wanted to get some initial payback, so this is partially just to spite Hermione. But honestly, I meant what I said last night about you, Harry. If I've gotta have a baby, it might as well be yours."

Harry just rubbed his temples, trying to ease the new headache he was getting. Though it wasn't much consolation, Ron seemed equally uncomfortable with being in the room. How was he going to tell this to Hermione?

"Dare I ask what happens if we win?" Harry asked. Ginny smiled annoyingly again and motioned for him to keep reading. Harry did so.

"Access to Weasley home and land! Good relations with Weasley matriarch! Weasley sweater every Christmas! I've already got all this!"

"Well," Ginny shrugged, "I guess you should have read the fine print."

Shaking his head, Harry quickly walked out of the room before his headache could get any worse.

* * *

"Nope. Sorry Harry."

"No can do."

"We've chosen to remain a neutral party in this mess."

Harry shook his head in annoyance, both from the twins' answer and method of communication.

"Why? We're business partners! They're family! You won't even choose a side?! What if I want to use some of the wares?"

"That's part of the problem, Harry. We're tied to you both. Plus, if we choose a side, that means that we would only sell to half of the participants."

Harry's eyes narrowed, realizing where this was going. "Let me get this straight. You're not getting involved just so that you can sell more stuff?"

"Yup." Both twins answered and nodded in unison.

Harry sighed. "I guess that's pretty smart. At least, until we start pranking you due to annoyance."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Harry"

"Let's not get hasty"

"Or make decisions you'll later regret."

"Of course." Harry sighed again. "If we prank you, you won't supply us with the good stuff."

"Harry, you've got it better than our dear brother and sister. They're only family. But, as our business partner, you'll get a share of the profits!"

"Hmm…" Harry had to admit that was a good point, not that he'd admit it aloud. "What about an employee/business partner discount?"

The twins exchanged a glance. "Don't push it."

"You help us, we'll help you."

"That's all we're prepared to say at this point."

Harry nodded. He would take what he could get. He was lucky enough that the twins hadn't joined Ron and Ginny in the prank feewd. "By the way, has your stuff for Bumridge come in yet?"

"Maybe it has"

"Maybe it hasn't"  
"Right now, we won't discuss such things."

As Harry left the secret hideout, carefully avoiding innocent looking rubber ducks, the twin known as Fred whispered to his counterpart, "Should we have told him the story about ickle Ronnikins and bunnies?" The two quietly laughed for a bit, replaying vivid memories within their dastardly minds.

"Na," the twin known as George answered, "we wouldn't do that to our poor brother."

"Not unless we were given a large bribe."

"Well, yeah, that goes without saying."

* * *

"Harry," Hermione asked as Harry came through the portrait door, "how did you clean up so well last night?"

Harry gulped. This didn't sound like just a compliment. "I...learned some cleaning charms recently."

"Oh really?"

"Is there something wrong with me knowing cleaning charms?" Harry asked, trying to sound indignant.

Hermione just rolled her eyes. "Besides the fact that you don't know any cleaning charms."

"What makes you think I…" Harry stopped trying to defend himself as he could tell Hermione was onto him. "How'd you know?" he sighed.

"Maybe it's just with me, since you seem to stay out of normal trouble. I can always tell when you're lying."

"What?"

"That's right Harry. I've got a special intuition. So don't try anything with me because it won't work. I know all about your enslavement of Dobby!"

"Hermione, it's not what you think!"

"Well then enlighten me!"

Harry sighed. This was going to be difficult.

* * *

After nearly forty minutes of debate, in which Harry pointed out all kinds of studies he'd dug up on House elf magic and dependency, it finally took a testimony from Dobby himself to convince Hermione that maybe this was for the best. Harry wasn't sure if Hermione felt fine about all House Elves, or if she ever would, but he succeeded in convincing her that bonding Dobby with himself and House Potter would benefit everyone.

The moment Hermione left to use the bathroom, Harry turned to Dobby.

"Dobby, how did Hermione know you'd been here? Seeing through lies is one thing. Figuring out what you did takes more than that." When the House Elf hesitated, Harry added in a kind voice, "I'm not angry. I'm just curious how she found out."

"Well, " Dobby squeaked, "while Master Harry Potter was away this afternoon, Miss Hermione Granger spillses inks on the floor. Dobby popped in to helps, and Miss Hermione Granger asked about Dobby working. Did Dobby do bad?"

"No," Harry smiled. "You did fine Dobby. Thanks for helping. If Hermione ever needs help feel free to help her."

Dobby left right as Hermione was coming out of the bathroom, where she was met by a smile she didn't quite trust.

"What is it, Harry?"

"Oh nothing. So, you can always tell when I'm lying, huh? Intuition or some wacky shit like that? Maybe you read ink blots?"

Hermione knew she'd been ratted on. "Dobby told you, didn't he?" she grumbled.

"Yup," Harry happily replied. "Nice try, but you'll have to do better than that to bamboozle a wizard of my genius."

"Bamboozle?"

"It seemed like a good word to use. It has a funny sound."

Hermione grinned. "I don't know. Genius has a pretty funny sound to it when you use it. Are you referring to the same genius of a wizard who spent nearly three minutes trying zip his fly while his pants were unknowingly on backwards?"

"I was really tired that morning!" Harry exclaimed.

"Uh huh."

"Speaking of my, uh, genius and the actions it brings…"

Hermione tensed, having a bad feeling about where this was going. "Go on…"

"I may have accidentally signed a contract pitting us against Ginny and Ron in a prank feewd." Harry quickly confessed and handed Hermione the Prank Feewd contract before she could respond.

When she looked at the paper, her eyes widened. "Harry, what is the meaning of this?"

"Well…"

"This is so stupid…"

"It's not like it's my fault. Completely."

"Do people care about good writing skills at all?"

"I...what?"

"The contract title!" Hermione practically screamed. "That's not how you spell 'feud'!"

Harry looked critically at the paper. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"Well, if it's any consolation, I think it was my dad who coined the title. Or maybe Sirius. It sounds kind of like one of his jokes. Anyway, not my idea, but that's not the bad part. Keep reading."

Hermione continued to read, wondering what could be more frightening than misspelled words on an important document. As she continued reading, she discovered that there were indeed more frightening things.

"If you lose, you have to knock Ginny up?"

"Actually," Harry pointed out, "it would be after 'we' lose. You and I are a team against Ron and Ginny." The aggravated sharp intake of breath through clenched teeth told Harry that this didn't make things any better.

"You know what this means, right?"

"That you really need to pay more attention to legal papers?"

"Maybe. But what I meant was that we just need to make sure we win."

Hermione frowned, considering the suggestion. "I guess we do have a decent shot, especially since Fred and George aren't taking a side." Harry nodded and Hermione continued. "With my knowledge of spells and research, combined with your power and talent for...shall we say...creative rule breaking, I'd say we can come up with some pretty good material."

Harry nodded. "We can start researching right away."

"Why Harry, when things like that come out of your mouth, I just want to cradle your head in my arms and kiss it."

Harry cheekily grinned. "Which head are you referring to?"

"Well," Hermione replied, returning Harry's smile, "who said anything about having to choose?"

"Even better. But before we being our little...learning adventure...I've got an idea for a prank we can perform right now. Dobby?"

At the sound of his name, the happy elf appeared instantly beside Harry. "How can Dobby help yous, Master Harry Potter sir?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and frowned, but Harry replied, "Dobby we need the help of you and another elf to play a joke on Ron."

"Whos be Ron?"

"Umm...Wheezy," Harry answered, remembering Dobby's name for Ron before the Second Task. Dobby's eyes widened in recognition before popping away, informing the two Potters that he would be back shortly.

"Harry, you've got an evil look in your eye. What do you need Dobby and another House Elf for?" Hermione asked.

"Well," Harry replied, "I was thinking that they could follow Ron and Ginny around."

"What's so great about that?"

"I found out today that for some reason Ron's afraid of bunnies," Harry grinned. "So if Dobby gets a Glamour on in that looks like a bunny…"

"Excellent!" Hermione exclaimed. "How well can you do a Glamour Charm?"

"Uhhh…"

"Nevermind," Hermione added. "This will be my contribution to the prank."

Soon Dobby had appeared again, this time accompanied by a House Elf who looked strangely familiar.

"Winky?" Harry asked. "Is that you?"

"Oh yes, I is Winky!" The female elf answered joyfully. "Dobby said Master Harry Potter required assistance, and Winky would be happy to serve. Maybe if Winky does well, Master Harry Potter will bring her into family too!"

"Um…" Harry glanced questioningly at Hermione, who shrugged. A decision for another time, it seemed. "We'll see. Anyway, here's the plan…"

When both House Elves had been adequately filled in on the plan, Hermione cast the Glamour Charms and a few extra ones. First she turned Dobby into a scruffy, black and white bunny rabbit with a few tufts of hair missing, red eyes, and only half of a left ear. Since Harry and Hermione couldn't think of a good fear for Ginny, they decided to turn Winky into a large cherry with a creepy smile, leaving the youngest Weasleys with no doubts on who to blame.

"Now remember," Harry instructed the two elves, "Hermione's specially made these so no students but Ron and Ginny will see you. You'll still look normal to other House Elves, and Hermione and I can see you in both forms. Don't follow them around constantly, just pop in and out every now and then, keeping them on edge. Dobby, Ron might be afraid of you so feel free to chase him if he runs. Winky, Ginny will most likely be embarrassed or annoyed with you, so just stay in sight and don't let her forget about you."

The two elves nodded. Or at least, a bunny and a cherry nodded.

"Most importantly," Harry added, being sure to stress this part, "be careful. Ron and Ginny will probably think you're spells at first, so they might unintentionally cast harmful spells at you. Don't do anything that would endanger yourselves. We don't want anyone getting hurt."

The elves nodded again. The bunny opened its mouth and Dobby's voice came out. "Dobby will watch Wheezy while he sleeps and see to scares him." With a pop, the rabbit vanished.

The cherry's creepy smiled opened into a mouth carrying Winky's voice. "Winky will watch Geeny and does what Master Harry Potter says." The cherry popped and vanished.

"I wonder how long till the screams come," Hermione mused. "Maybe we should make the silencing charms one-way so we can hear if he runs down the hallway in terror."

Harry snickered. "This is going to be great. Maybe we should celebrate. Seeing that cherry pop reminded me of something…"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly."

"I would honestly like to pop another cherry, Hermione. What do you think?"

"I still haven't found a good ritual yet," Hermione complained. "I can't decide what do."

"Are there any for amazing pranks?" Harry asked.

She shook her head. "No, you wouldn't want to waste it on that. Besides, these are a lot more practical and powerful. There are ones for instant communication, core strengthening, durability, and all kinds of others."

"Maybe I'll have to help you pick one out tomorrow," Harry remarked.

"Maybe. But you know, just because they aren't new doesn't mean the old things aren't extraordinarily entertaining."

"That's quite the mouthful, Hermione." Harry smiled. Harry Junior liked where this was going.

"I know you are, Harry, so let's go down on it...er...get down to it." Hermione replied, turning to the bedroom and stripping off her top simultaneously. Harry could see that her pink nipples were already stiff with arousal. It was going to be a fun night.

"Right behind you, Hermione. Then in front. Then on top."

Soon the night was followed by screams of orgasmic pleasure. However, a little while after, it was filled with screams of a much different sort.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, there you have it! Another new chapter and Harry still hasn't gotten laid. Oh well. I popped a different cherry so I'm sure you're all satisfied. Things will definitely get interesting now, if they haven't been already. If you guys have any concerns/questions/comments/suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Specifically, I'm looking for good prank ideas and maybe good ritual effects for Harry and Hermione. As for pairings, I think I've got my plan all made. Totalling up PM and review requests, Luna won the Harry/Hermione/other pairing, though Daphne may get a mention or two. Luna should be introduced within a couple chapters, even if it's not yet of a romantic nature. As for Ginny, my decision is made, though I'll leave that one to be a surprise. Thanks for all the views! This story has over 100 reviews and 500 follows. That's pretty cool. Hopefully I'll be back soon!**


	10. Lustful Lunacy

"Hermione, can you at least give me a hint about where we're going?" a very nervous, blindfolded Harry quietly asked. When Hermione had said she had a surprise, this hadn't been what Harry was thinking of.

"Oh hush," Hermione whispered into his ear. "Since when are you so nervous and paranoid?"

"Maybe because the last time I took a little stroll through the castle I got bombarded with Permanent-Sticking-Charmed-Dungbombs," Harry answered. Hermione couldn't argue with that. Even with a combined effort, it had taken her and Harry over two hours to break the charms. Not the way anyone should have to spend an afternoon. For the past week, ever since Ginny had initiated the feewd, Harry and Hermione had both been a little tense.

Ron had initially been a bit apologetic about the whole ordeal. At breakfast the day after the feewd's beginning, after Harry convinced Dobby to stand down, Ron had made it clear that he'd had no knowledge of Ginny's schemes. "I knew she wanted to get you guys back," he had said, "but I thought that had been where it ended. I didn't think she would stoop so low to...do that." When he knew Ginny wasn't within earshot, Ron had added, "That being said, I want to have fun with this whole thing. Maybe I'll actually be able to beat you at something, you know? Friendly competition can be fun. Here's my offer: I'll do everything that I can to beat you, but if me and Ginny do win, I'll try and get you out of the whole...consequences of losing. I'm sure we'll find some way to get out of it, if we all work together." Harry had instantly agreed. Maybe Ginny would back down if her own brother was trying to convince her to give up her plan.

Unfortunately for Harry and Hermione, the two youngest Weasleys were turning out to be deadlier opponents than either had anticipated. With something to finally motivate his studies and a strong desire to finally beat Harry, Ron was proving to be a challenge. Though the Quidditch Pitch was considered off limits, Ron had no qualms with the rest of Hogwarts. The redhead knew where Harry and Hermione usually went throughout the day and planted cunning traps accordingly. Though most of the traps were anticipated or discovered in time (though much improved, Ron's general spellwork still couldn't hold a candle to Hermione's), some went unnoticed and performed as hideously as intended.

Ginny was no slouch either. Apparently being around all those brothers had taught Ginny a lot. While she wasn't as effective as Ron, Ginny was still not to be ignored. Together, the two Weasleys were a thorn in the Potters' sides.

That being said, Harry and Hermione were holding their own fairly well. As Hermione had first pointed out, Hermione's brains and Harry's creativity were a great pair. Harry had great ideas for pranks and Hermione could usually turn those ideas into reality. Even though they hadn't discovered the reason for Ron's unnatural fear of bunnies, that hadn't stopped Harry and Hermione from charming or cursing almost everything Ron owned. Any shoes Ron put on his feet instantly became a pair of red-eyed bunny slippers. His initial reactions, especially after trying to change his shoes, had been priceless. Ginny hadn't been hit with anything quite as hilarious yet, but hers was coming soon. Harry just needed to think of something especially cunning and embarrassing.

As Hermione led Harry throughout the castle, Harry's mind continued to wander. It had been doing that a lot this year, and he liked being able to be somewhat carefree. With Voldemort gone, relative freedom from danger at Hogwarts, and his relationship with Hermione, Harry was finally beginning to appreciate and enjoy just being a teenager. However, walking blindfolded in potentially dangerous territory kind of shattered carefree illusions.

"Hermione?" Harry asked as they turned another corner.

"Hmmm?"

"You're sure I'm not going to get ambushed in this helpless state?"

"Harry, we're wearing the Invisibility Cloak. No one is going to see anything except maybe the occasional foot or robe end."

"Well, what about traps they've set? I can't see, you know, so you're on lookout duty all by yourself. Are you casting Detection Charms often? Looking out for out-of-place items?"

Hermione sighed indignantly. "Honestly, Harry, you really think I'm going to lead you into some stupid charmed book shelf or something? I am perfectly capable of-wait, STOP!"

Hermione's arms locked onto Harry's shoulders as the two came to a sudden halt. Hermione slowly released her grip and Harry felt Hermione bring her wand up higher.

"Perfectly capable of what, Hermione? Detecting traps from far away so we don't accidentally almost walk into one? Oh wait..." Though he couldn't resist the poke, Harry was actually quite glad that Hermione had caught the trap. Who knew what evils were lurking in wait?

"Do you want me to push you into the trap, Harry?"

"No."

"Then stop rubbing it in."

Harry smiled. "I guess I'll settle for some different rubbing later on." Even with the blindfold on, Harry knew Hermione was rolling her eyes. "Can you please take the blindfold off?"

"But Harry, then you'll know-"

"Are we even halfway there yet?"

"No, but-"

"Just take it off right here, then, so I can help you with the trap! It's not like I'll know where we're going by seeing one hallway or wherever we are. Please, Hermione?"

"Fine," Hermione sighed, giving in. As she began removing the blindfold, they both heard a soft, dreamy voice.

"Oh, is this your book?"

"No!" Hermione cried, whipping around, but it was too late. Harry's blindfold fell off just in time for him to see a girl with long, dirty blonde hair and what appeared to be a necklace of Butterbeer corks bend over to pick up a rather boring-looking textbook.

As soon as her hands made contact with the brown book, many-colored frogs began hopping out, jumping straight onto the girl. In a few seconds she was covered with over fifty frogs, varying in color from a normal-looking green to blue, orange, crimson, and even silver. It was an interesting sight, especially when the frogs began croaking to the tune of the Chudley Cannons fight song.

Hermione rushed over, pulling Harry with her. "I'm so sorry about that. I tried to warn you! That book was jinxed! Here, let me help you!"

The girl turned, not seeming surprised at all to have been bombarded with multi-colored frogs and hearing a voice with no visible speaker. Looking straight where Hermione was, she asked in a quiet, dreamy voice, "Is that you, Lady Anura? Have you come to transform me into one of your minions, serving you for all eternity?"

"What?" Hermione asked, extremely startled and confused. Before Harry could object, she whipped the cloak, revealing them both to the girl. "My name is Hermione Pott...I mean, Hermione Granger." She giggled a little bit at that. "And this is Harry Potter."

"Oh." The girl looked disappointed. "I know who you are. Why did you stutter? Don't you know your name?"

"No, I just-"

"You know, if you have a problem with Wrackspurts, all you need to do is think happy thoughts. That should help you focus." Either this girl was amazingly good at joking with a straight face, or she was one odd person. Harry had a feeling it was the later.

"It's not like that-" Hermione sputtered, trying to defend herself.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. People who like to think of themselves as intelligent are often the hardest to treat. Now when did you begin having fuzzy feelings in your brain?"

Before the girl could continue, Hermione quickly explained, "Harry and I got paired recently, so I'm now legally Hermione Potter. However, we've been trying to keep that somewhat quiet, so I usually use my original last name in public. I didn't forget my name!"

"Oh." The girl paused again, considering what Hermione had just said. "So have you had much sexual intercourse yet?"

Harry and Hermione both went red, though the blonde girl didn't seem embarrassed at all. "You don't just ask that" Hermione weakly pointed out. "That's not very polite. Why would you ask that?"

When the girl didn't elaborate, seeming uninterested in the conversation, Hermione asked, "Do you want help getting rid of the frogs? I'm sure Harry and I could remove them if we spent some time looking at what spells were used."

The girl looked down, as if noticing the frogs for the first time. "These? No, I like them just the way they are. Frogs are my friends." Pointing to silvery frog that looked like it had craters on its skin, she added, "This one is a very rare find. He appears to be a Moon Frog."

"Moon Frog?" Harry asked, wondering why it was called that.

"They're a special type of frog that lives on the moon. Daddy told me all about them."

Before Hermione could say something logical like how frogs couldn't live on the moon, the blonde girl who was now covered in frogs turned around and began walking away. "If you want a good place for kinky sex, there's a wonderful library full of eroitc stories not too far from here."

"Wait!" Harry called out. "We don't even know your name."

"Luna," came the dreamy reply. "Luna Lovegood."

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Harry asked for nearly the hundredth time, causing Hermione to sigh tiredly.

"Yes! We are actually here now!"

"Really? You'll take of the blindfold?"

In answer to his question, Harry's dark world was suddenly lightened as the blindfold fell away. As his vision adjusted to the light, he saw a painting of a baby bird nest. Harry grinned.

"So you took Luna's advice, huh? Hungry for some kinky sex?"

Hermione blushed. "It's not like that! I was planning on coming anyway… I think I found a good ritual for us to perform."

Harry's eyes widened. "I was kidding about the kinky sex. Seriously?"

When Hermione didn't answer, becoming intently focused on the ground, Harry grinned again. "Well, it's fitting that our first time could be in a library." Harry walked over to the portrait, which swung open for him and Hermione.

Walking inside, Harry once again took in the sight of the dark, old room and its rows of erotic books. Hermione followed, casually skimming the shelves for anything of interest. The room looked just like it had during Harry's first visit except for one thing: at the end of the room there was now a large, comfortable-looking bed.

Harry turned toward Hermione. "You've been planning this more than I thought."

She shrugged and smiled weakly. "I didn't want our first time to be on some hard floor. That wouldn't be any fun."

"Well…"

"Fine," Hermione conceded, "It wouldn't be as fun as it could be."

"Better."

Drawing nearer to the bed, Harry noticed that surrounding the bed was a white chalk circle. Inside were a number of odd-looking runes and shapes. "What's with all this?" he asked.

"There's a lot more to the ritual that me losing my virginity," Hermione answered. "We have to set up a bunch of different runes and spells. I've already set up the bed and surrounding area, but we'll still need to paint some runes on our bodies."

A book lay in the middle of the bed. Upon further inspection, Harry saw that it was called _Sama Kutra_. "Is this the book you got the ritual from?" he asked.

"Yeah," came Hermione's reply. She was gathering up an assortment of paints, probably so that they could paint runes on their bodies. "Page 394."

Turning to said page, Harry looked at the ritual they were going to perform. Besides the runes, it appeared that they wouldn't have to do anything weird. They didn't need any funky positions or hard-to-pronounce chants. That was good. Harry had a feeling that rituals and even generic thinking weren't going to be on mind much when they actually went to work.

The end of the description was about the effects of the ritual. Harry closely inspected this, curious as to what he and Hermione would gain and to make sure there weren't any nasty side effects. After the contract mishap with Ginny, Harry didn't want to overlook any fine print ever again. It wouldn't be good if the ritual caused his balls to fall off or Hermione to grow a tail. That would be bad.

As he read through, though it seemed like his balls were safe, Harry still didn't fully understand what was being described. It was obviously a book from either an older time or for more educated readers, because almost every other word had at least three syllables and was completely meaningless to Harry. So, instead of trying to piece together all the stuff by himself, he asked Hermione for an explanation or translation (whichever was more relevant).

"Well," Hermione began, a bit unsure on how to explain everything, "the main purpose of this ritual is to help your magic in multiple areas instead of just doing one thing like doubling your magical core." Seeing Harry's raised eyebrows, she added, "Your magical core is like your reserves of magic and magical potential. If you've got a big core, you have the strength to create really powerful spells or perform many spells without a break. However, there's no point in having a ton of strength if you can't properly harness it or use it. If we simply doubled your magical core, you'd have a hard time controlling your new power and an even harder time efficiently utilizing it to its full potential. That's why I decided on this ritual. It's relatively easy and danger-free. It doesn't do anything extreme like turn you into a phoenix or make you the new Merlin."

Though becoming a phoenix or the new Merlin would be cool, Harry had 'danger-free' as one of his top priorities in the art of ritual choosing. The word 'relatively' wasn't so reassuring, however. "So what exactly will it do to us?" Harry asked. "What can we expect? Will it hurt?"

"To my knowledge, no one in recent memory has performed the ritual, since books like these have generally either been destroyed or locked away. There were some Darker rituals in here, which isn't surprising since a good amount of them use virgin blood. So we don't have anyone to use as an example. However, I think the worst things we'd suffer would be some soreness, headaches, and bursts of power early on. This ritual should do three main things for us. First, it'll increase our magical cores. Nothing major, probably by around fifty to one hundred percent. That will still be a noticeable change, though. Second, the ritual will help strengthen the connections between our cores and our bodies. This will make us a lot better at channeling that power and actually using it."

"So magical cores and magical connection are different?" Harry asked.

"Correct," Hermione replied. "Look at the two of us. You, Harry, have an exceptionally large magical core already. When under great stress, you've proven capable of taking on hundreds of Dementors and dueling Voldemort one on one. I, on the other hand, have a relatively high degree of magical connection. That's why I can master spells faster than most people and why I can perform them with more precision. I'm more attuned with my magic, and I don't waste a lot of power just bringing out my magic. I read once that, for the average witch or wizard, almost half the needed power of a spell is for focus and channeling magic. Increasing magical core or magical connection alone would bring good results. Improving both, though, will be exponentially more beneficial."

"That makes more sense now," Harry said. "You mentioned a third thing we got from the ritual. What is it?"

Hermione smiled. "Supposedly, the ritual helps connect to two participants. We won't be able to hear each other's thoughts or anything creepy like that, but supposedly we'll have a sense of when the other is in danger, or afraid, or happy. Probably like a good version of your connection with Voldemort. It should also help us, in times of great need, to lend each other power. So if I'm in a dangerous situation without you, or if I'm hurt, you can help me out by giving me a magic boost no matter where you are. I think we'll also recharge more quickly than normal when we're together."

"You've got me convinced," Harry pointed out. "So are we actually going to do this or are we just going to learn about it today?"

Hermione grinned. "The first thing we'll need to do is get out of our robes."

"Wow, Hermione," Harry teased, "you mean we need to take off clothes to have sex? Who would have thought?"

"I _meant_ ," Hermione replied with a glare, "we need to paint runes on our bodies before we begin the ritual."

"Fine by me," Harry agreed, letting his robes fall to the floor. Soon both Harry and Hermione were completely clothes-free and Hermione was inspecting the paint.

"Now, we're going to have to draw these somewhat accurately, so you'll need to pay attention to…" Hermione stopped when she realized Harry wasn't paying attention to her. At least, not to her words.

"Harry. Focus now, fun comes later."

"Fine," Harry sighed, slowly removing his eyes from Hermione's teasing, bent-over ass. "It's a little hard to concentrate," he added meaningfully, gesturing at the especially hard part of his body for good measure.

"Funny," Hermione replied, dripping with sarcasm (among other things). "You're not the only ready for this. Anyway, we'll need this rune here to be painted on our forearms. My back needs to have this rune whereas we need to have your chest painted with these three…"

It took a couple of tries to get all the runes right, since both the teens were visibly shaking with nervousness and excitement, but they were finally adorned with the appropriate runes. Hermione finally cast two spells on them: one that was required for the ritual, and another to keep the runes from being rubbed off once things got more intense.

Slowly, Hermione walked over to the bed and sat down, letting out a nervous breath as she did so. "Now that the moment is finally here, I'm almost too scared to go through with it all," she admitted. "I mean, we've been together and doing stuff for over a month now, but still…"

"Hey, I'm nervous too," Harry admitted, staring down at his elongated manhood. Though he tried not to let it show, he'd been worrying since talk of the ritual started if his second wand would perform adequately enough for Hermione. They both wanted this to be special, and he didn't want to be the one to mess things up.

"Yes," Hermione agreed, "but you've also been looking forward to this moment for a long time. Don't try to deny it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm excited too. It's just, I never thought…" Hermione sighed and hugged her knees up to her chest. Harry tried to listen to her and empathise with her instead of taking a look at the wonderful new view she was giving him. He honestly tried.

"But I'm being silly," she continued. "We've been having...these relations...for over a month. That might be fast in other circumstances, but we've been married the whole time. It's going to happen sooner or later. Might as well be sooner."

Though it pained him to say it, Harry offered, "You know, we don't have to do this now if you're uncomfortable with it all."

"No." Hermione shook her head, smiling distantly. "We haven't prepared all this for nothing. And I don't regret anything, if that's what it sounds like. Getting paired with you has probably been one of the luckiest things in my life. It's just...I'm scared Harry. Scared for tonight and what it'll mean. Scared of what it will be like if you don't...like it. Scared about what my parents will say when they find out about us. For every hope that comes into my head, two doubts come barging in."

Harry slowly came over and held Hermione's head in his hands, gently wiping away a small glittering tear with his thumb. "Hermione," he quietly reassured her, "you don't need to worry. I love you. As a friend, a lover, and a person. I always will. And your parents will understand. They love you too. Sometimes you need to stop worrying about where life is taking you and spend some time just enjoying the ride."

Hermione smiled up at Harry, wiping her eyes with her hand. "I'm sorry that I'm getting so emotional. This is a big step. But enough with all this emotional talk." Hermione hand, which had been on Harry's chest, began to slowly travel south. "As you put it, let's just enjoy the ride."

With that, Harry and Hermione's lips collided with more passion than ever before. Hermione stretched out so that she was lying on her back, still enjoying the feeling of Harry's mouth covering hers. They continued to lay there, Harry gently on top of Hermione, as their hands desperately grabbed and their tongues battled with passion. When the need for air overcame them, the released, heavily breathing in each other's arms.

Harry could feel Hermione's warm breath on his face, and her sweat covered body pressing against his. If he leaned in close, he could detect her excited heartbeat. He could also feel his cock hardening even more, begging to enter the warm, damp entrance that was pressed tight against it.

"Do it, Harry," Hermione whispered.

"I don't want to hurt you," Harry protested.

"It's a only for a moment," she reassured him. "Pain for a second, and then pleasure for much, much longer."

Hardly able to control his body, Harry backed off of Hermione so that he was kneeling between her legs. As she spread them open, Harry couldn't help but stare at the wet pussy before him. He'd seen it many times before (and done a lot more than seeing), but it felt different knowing that it wouldn't be his tongue entering Hermione this time.

Slowly, Harry grasped his cock and positioned it just in front of her entrance, rubbing the tip on her wet folds and causing them both to moan in pleasure.

"I'm ready, Harry. Just be gentle."

For what felt like an eternity, Harry sat there dumbly with one hand on Harry Junior and another on Hermione's inner thigh. Then he slowly inserted his cock inside Hermione. Every instinct in Harry's mind was calling for him to thrust again and again, as fast as he could, and it took every ounce of self-control he possessed to ignore them. He continued forward, engulfing the tip in the tight, wet tunnel of love until he met resistance.

With a last glance at Hermione, who only nodded, Harry pushed on through. Hermione let out a gasp, and a white flash came from her body. The runes on the lovers' bodies and on the floor glowed deep blue. Then, as suddenly as it had come, the light was gone and the runes disappeared without a trace.

Harry quickly looked at Hermione, who was breathing heavily. "How do you feel?" he asked worriedly.

"Well," she responded, "it sort of feels like I've been given a Pepper-Up Potion, but it feels more natural. Like I've just had the best sleep of my life. I can almost feel the magic filling me, like hot chocolate after being out in the cold. I think the ritual worked perfectly!"

"No," Harry pressed, "I mean about the whole, lost your virginity thing. Are you hurt? In pain?"

"Oh." Hermione blinked, as if she hadn't even thought about that until now. "I think it's gone. It hurt a bit at first, but then the ritual took over and I think it sort of took away the pain. So carry on, my dear Harry."

Harry smiled. "Just the news I wanted to hear."

Now reassured and unafraid of hurting Hermione, Harry continued to press on into Hermione. The feeling of her wet, fleshy tunnel around him was almost more than Harry could take. Hermione's mouth had been good, but this was in a league of its own. Plus, as Harry traveled inward, he was pleased to see she looked just as aroused and excited as he was.

Finally, Harry was fully inside Hermione. Her wet outer lips were right against his balls. Harry couldn't help but stop and enjoy the bliss as both he and Hermione panted.

"Come on, Harry," Hermione grinned. "Fuck me like you mean it."

Encouraged, Harry grinned and rotated them so that Hermione was perpendicular to the bed and he was standing on the floor. Harry pulled Hermione close again, and she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, locking her ankles together.

Harry smoothly pulled out of Hermione, leaving just the head of his swollen cock still inside, before again sliding in, letting a moan out as he did so. Hermione was extremely tight, and the friction rubbing against his lubricated cock was like nothing he'd ever felt. Harry pulled out again, and the next time he thrust in Hermione's tits bounced slightly.

"Oh Harry," she moaned, nearly losing herself to the ecstasy, "Don't stop doing that."

Harry began picking up the pace, ramming into Hermione and pulling out with intense passion. The sight of her tits bouncing and her face struck with pure bliss, combined with the sounds of her amazing moans, were taking their toll. Harry knew that he wouldn't be able to last much longer.

Deciding to change things up a bit, Harry grabbed Hermione's legs and unhooked them, still continuing to pound her pussy.

"Harry...fuck yes, right there...what are doing?" Hermione panted, a bit distracted by the large large object currently violating her inner space.

Without answering, Harry lifted her legs up and placed one on each shoulder, exposing Hermione even more and lifting her up slightly so that her pelvis was in the air. Once her legs were firmly settled, Harry again focused on pumping in and out, relishing every one of Hermione's moans and twitches, which were even louder than before.

Whether she was trying to or not, Hermione's walls began to spastically clench and twitch, further stimulating Harry. When the squeezing became almost to bear, Harry announced, "Hermione, I'm about to cum."

"I am too, Harry. Don't pull out." Hermione gasped out between heavy breaths.

"But what about…"

"I cast a Counter-Conception Charm, just to be safe. _Technically_ it's now illegal, but I don't think either of us is ready for that kind of change. I'm so close Harry. I want to feel your sperm inside me!"

That final revelation, combined with an extra strong spasm from Hermione, opened the floodgates, so to speak. As Hermione's last words came off her lips, Harry lost all control, giving in to the wild sensations that were pulsing through him. His vision blurred, and he furiously pumped as fast as he could, splattering Hermione's insides with his cum. He could distantly hear Hermione's screams and he could still feel her spasms. Clearly she was in her own little world as well.

As Harry's vision refocused, he reluctantly pulled himself out of Hermione and lay down next to her. He could still see her beautiful breasts rising and falling with each heavy breath. They were both tired, but the invigorating effects of the ritual meant they were a lot less tired than they normally would have been.

After they'd both had a minute or so to recover and fully realize what had happened, Harry spoke. "I don't know what you were expecting, Hermione, but that went above and beyond even my wildest dreams."

"I expect you've had some pretty wild ones," Hermione giggled, "but I have to agree. That was nothing short of amazing."

"So you think the ritual worked pretty well, huh?" Harry asked.

"Well, if the big flash of light and the glowing runes that disappeared aren't enough, I think the fact that we're both filled to the brim with energy and magic should prove that it did."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, looking down at himself. "Plus I'm still hard."

"What?" Hermione's jaw dropped and she turned and bent over for a close look of her own. Harry Junior was clearly out and about, having risen up to once again to do battle. "Well, fuck me…"

"Was that an invitation?" Harry asked, grinning.

"You know it was," she cheekily shot back.

Rising up on the bed, Harry grabbed Hermione's hips and pulled her toward him. As he stared unashamed at her marvelous ass, Hermione asked, "Got something on your mind, Harry?"

"I was just thinking," Harry answered, "that since you're already on your hands and knees…"

"Go for it!" Hermione excitedly answered before he could even ask.

Happy to oblige, Harry got behind Hermione and again guided his cock to her entrance. With a deep thrust, he was fully in, causing Hermione to let out another of the moans that Harry was quickly becoming addicted to. Grabbing her hips, Harry began to thrust in and out even faster than the first time. With Hermione in the new position, Harry's balls collided into her with every thrust, creating a loud, extremely satisfying slapping sound.

"Harry, I'm...I'm...FUUUUUCCCKKK!" Hermione soon screamed loudly, and Harry once again felt her walls clench and throb, exciting him even more. The fact that he'd already gotten Hermione to orgasm again made him swell with pride and he began thrusting even more vigorously.

Harry wasn't far behind his horny bookworm. Hermione's tight walls and passionate screams brought Harry again to his limit. With a grunt of pleasure, he pushed himself as far into her as he could go before launching another load of sticky cum deep inside of her.

"That was a bit quicker than last time," Hermione teased.

"Yeah, well, seeing you like that kind of pushes me over the edge." Harry replied, shrugging. "Might be a bit before I'm ready for another round, ritual or not."

"Well, you certainly won't hear me complaining after two rounds of that!" Hermione exclaimed. "We should probably head back to our quarters. It's bound to be close to curfew, if we aren't past it already. Plus, if we're going to continue, I'd like to do it back there. Losing my virginity in a library is pretty fitting, but I think the quarters will be more comfortable than this dusty old place, nice bed or not."

Disappointed as he was with having to put clothes back on (and even more so that Hermione did too), Harry had to agree that their quarters would be a good call. As he pulled his pants back on, he suddenly had a thought.

"Hermione, where'd you get this bed, anyway?"

"Oh." Whether from memories or from her recent orgasms and sexual activity, Hermione's face was a dark red. "I found it in another one of those rooms our maps pointed out. I shrunk it and brought it here so I could...read...the books in private. The only reason you caught me that day was because I wanted to finish some homework first."

"I forgot about those rooms!" Harry responded. "Now we can put them to real use!"

Arm in arm, Harry and Hermione walked out of the kinky library together. Hermione had made sure to take the ritual book with them. Who knew what other great things it might contain? As they entered the outside hallway, Harry looked back and smiled. Libraries were pretty great places after all. He'd never think about one the same way ever again. As he and Hermione left, Harry made a mental note to have a look at some of those books soon.

* * *

Feeling that her breathing had finally returned to a more normal pace, Luna Lovegood slowly removed a hand from her soaked knickers. She'd never had such a great view of something like that before, and now the Auror Academy Orgie book didn't seem as appealing. There was a new fantasy in town, and no Wrackspurts were going to ruin that for her.

Reaching out toward a nearby shelf, she retrieved a heavily dog-eared book entitled _Mooning Phases: The Ultimate Guide to Indecent Exposure that Eclipses All the Rest_. Luna smiled as she reread some of her favorite passages. Hopefully the techniques would be as successful as the book claimed. Daddy had always taught her that once she set her goals, she shouldn't let anything get in her way. And she had a new goal: Harry Potter, her Chosen One, who was now the Not-A-Boy-Anymore-Who-Fucks-Extremely-Well. Not as brief a title as his original one, she had to admit, but it certainly was accurate.

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, another chapter done! Harry and Hermione have finally done it! Sorry if the ritual results were a bit of a letdown. I was going to come up with some super cool, creative one, but that might have taken a while and I didn't want to put off the sex scene any longer. Hopefully that's fine with you all. Luna has also entered the story with her usual oddness. She's going to be a fun character to write, I can tell you that much. If you didn't know, 'Anura' is the animal order that frogs belong to. Never let it be said that I don't include helpful information in my stories. I've gotten a lot of questions about Harry's contract mishap, but I'll say this much. Do you really think, with getting Ginny preggers on the line, that Harry's going to allow himself to lose? Or that Hermione wouldn't come up with some solution? Harry needed to get motivated and not want to lose, so that was the motivation. Don't worry or think about it too much. As usual, thank you to all my readers and reviewers. I love hearing from you guys. Later!**


	11. Planning and Recovery

"This isn't working, Hermione!" Harry growled, frustrated, as he sidestepped to avoid the plate hurtling toward him at blinding speed. Moments later it collided with a nearby wall, shattering into millions of tiny fragments.

"Come, on, Harry. How's that old saying go? 'If at first you don't succeed'…" From the other side of the room, next to a diminishing stack of conjured plates, Hermione gestured for Harry to finish the saying.

"Yeah, well, if we're going for accuracy it would be more like 'If after hours of practice and hundreds of tries you're still fucking things up'..."

"Fine," Hermione relented, holding up her hands. "Let's take a break. You being this frustrated isn't going to help your control anyway."

Taking a deep breath to rein in his swirling emotions, Harry slowly trudged over to Hermione, who had taken a seat on a bench. They were using an old classroom to practice their newly acquired magical abilities. Practice had started right when they woke up in the morning after the ritual. Even after a whole morning and a partial afternoon of nothing but practice, Harry still couldn't control even a basic summoning charm. Hermione, of course, had mastered her new abilities within two hours.

Hermione put a comforting arm around Harry's shoulders, hoping to ease his tension.

"We knew the effects of the ritual could be hard to control at first," she gently reminded him. "And I know you don't regret performing the ritual. It's just going to take some time."

"I knew that!" Harry exclaimed. "And I definitely don't regret the ritual! But it's just so...infuriating! I feel like I'm back in first year again! I'm struggling with the simplest spells! And, of course, you mastered everything right away."

"Harry, you know we're not in the same situation. My magical connection was strengthened some, but not near as much relatively as yours. I mostly got more reserves of power, which don't bring that much change. With so much more magical connection than you're used to, you practically have to relearn how to execute a spell!" Hermione buried her head in Harry's shoulder, covering it with her curly, brown locks. "I know you can do it."

Harry sighed, letting out another deep, soothing breath. Hermione's words and closeness were helping him settle down, though he was still frustrated.

"Have you heard any more from Sirius yet?" Hermione asked, hoping to further distract Harry.

"Not much," he answered, shaking his head. "I know he's getting closer to Hogwarts, or at least trying to. The false trails seem to be working. I swear, though, if he's seen and the Ministry sends dementors again…"

Hermione shuddered. She still had nightmares sometimes about those horrid things, and she knew Harry hated them even more. Hopefully the Ministry would never again be that stupid. Of course, with these new laws, who knew anymore? True, the laws had finally pushed Harry and her together, but who knew what additions would come next?

"Hey!" Harry exclaimed, straightening. "I just remembered. We still haven't visited Gringotts yet, have we?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "You're right. I was so...distracted with preparing for the ritual that I forgot all about it! We should write to them right away!"

Harry nodded and stood up and tried to hide a grin. "I guess we'll have to continue this practice later. What a shame that is."

The last part came out rather quietly, and Hermione couldn't resist. "I'm sorry, what was that Harry?"

"Umm...I said I can't wait!" Harry answered, thinking quickly. Hermione smiled, but then her expression turned more serious.

"Just remember, Harry, that you shouldn't do any more magic until you have full control of yourself again." Seeing Harry's astonished expression, she added, "What if you took someone's arm off when trying to Disarm them or made some other mistake like that? Unless it's a life or death situation, it's not worth the risk."

Harry sighed. She was right. He didn't like it, but he knew she was right. If Sirius were here right now, he'd tell Harry to get used to that feeling.

"Hermione?" Harry asked just before they were out the door, "I just thought of something else. How are we going to get there?"

She looked at him strangely. "Harry, you've been to Gringotts before. Just go to Diagon Alley, find the big white building, and go in."

"No," Harry continued, shaking his head, "I mean, how are we going to leave Hogwarts and get to Gringotts? We're too young to Apparate, and even if we could I've been drilled constantly that someone can't Apparate in or out of Hogwarts."

Momentarily proud of Harry for finally remembering that tidbit for himself, Hermione stopped in her tracks as she understood what Harry meant. "Well," she replied slowly, "technically, we're emancipated so we could now learn, but since we don't know how to Apparate that doesn't matter. Again, because we're emancipated, we can legally leave Hogwarts as long as we don't miss any classes or responsibilities and as long as we notify an authority. But that still doesn't actually get us there."

After a minute or two of thinking, Harry suggested, "Well, since we have to notify an authority anyway, why not just ask them? I'm sure Dumbledore would let us go, especially if it's during a Hogsmeade trip or something. Maybe he would be able to help." Hermione nodded. If anyone knew, Dumbledore would.

The two lovers had just exited the room when they came face-to-face with Ron, who looked equally surprised to see them. All three were startled for a moment, and Ron looked quite a bit worried about being caught alone by Harry and Hermione. Two against one, especially against those two, would not be pretty. However, as Harry and Ron instinctively drew their wands, Hermione brandished her own and stood in between them. Ron looked confused and unsure of what to do. Harry, however, knew why she was doing so. That didn't mean he had to like it.

"Harry, put your wand down before you hurt yourself or one of us," Hermione murmured quietly so that only he could hear.

"But-"

"Honestly, what's worse? Getting jinxed for an hour, which is still pretty unlikely considering Ron thinks he's outnumbered, or risking magic without knowing what will happen?"

However, before anything dangerous could take place, the students were interrupted by none other than Professor McGonagall. "What are you three...never mind, that's not important right now. Potter, the Headmaster requests your presence. If I were you I wouldn't keep him waiting."

"But Professor, I-"

"Mr. Weasley, I'm sure anything you need can wait an hour or so. Perhaps you should put some effort into the 14 inch essay you still have not turned in for Transfiguration." Whether it was McGonagall's reminder, Hermione's deathly glare, or something else entirely, Ron immediately turned and sprinted away toward the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Professor, may I-"

"Yes, Ms. Gran...actually, yes Mrs. Potter, you may accompany him."

Hermione grinned, though that may have just been from McGonagall's new form of address toward her favorite student.

"Professor, do you-"

"No, Mr. Potter. I do not know why you have been asked to meet the Headmaster. What I do know, however, is that every minute you spend asking me about said meeting will only delay its happening. The password to get in, by the way, is Woolen Lemons. Don't ask me why because I don't know myself. Perhaps the Headmaster is strengthening the protection of his passwords by making them less easy to guess."

Harry smiled. She knew them all too well. Waving farewell, he and Hermione briskly began walking away, wondering why Dumbledore coincidentally wanted to talk them right after they decided to consult him. Maybe it was just his unrivaled genius.

* * *

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Order of Merlin First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Supreme Mugwump, Chief Warlock, Headmaster of Hogwarts, and famed Leader of the Light was currently deep in thought, making use of his grand intellect to help make the world a better place by answering questions all had long pondered. Today, one question stood out to him among all others: How can one make the world a better place by combining lemon drops and socks, two of the most wondrous inventions of all time, into one magnificent item?

This might be a trickier endeavor than he had foreseen originally. After all, a sock with the stickiness of a lemon drop would lose its sheer sockiness. And a lemon drop with the consistency of a sock would not travel easily down the user's throat. It was time to make use of that creativity and ingenious strategy that permeated his thought process.

Just as Albus had decided against stitching lemon drops to the outside of the left foot's sock, he heard someone coming up the stairs. Sighing and promising himself that he would solve the universe's mysteries later this evening, Albus turned his attention to the two students walking toward him.

"Good afternoon, Harry my boy. I see Miss Granger...ah yes, excuse me...Mrs. Potter has opted to join us for today."

Hermione nodded, a bit nervous. Maybe Harry had a heart-to-heart with this man every year, but she was meeting him personally for the first time. It wasn't every day that a normal student like herself got to talk with arguably the most famous, powerful, and intelligent wizard of the century. "Hermione's fine, sir," she quietly remarked.

"Well, then," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, "Hermione it shall be." Hermione was Muggleborn, Albus knew. He also knew that the Muggles frequently used and created socks. They had even invented the lemon drop! Albus had researched both of these items extensively, but perhaps there were Muggle secrets of these wondrous things that even he didn't know about. He would have to ask Hermione at some point, though now was probably not the best time. Oh well. There was no rushing pure genius.

"Sir," Harry began, not sure of what to say, "Hermione and I were actually planning on talking with at some point today anyway. Did you know this? Is that why you called for us? Or is there something else?" The only times Dumbledore seemed to talk with Harry were either right before or right after mortal danger. Harry was pretty sure he hadn't been in mortal danger before, and as good as that might seem, it left him a bit unsure about his future safety.

"Ah yes. Harry, I'm very sorry to be the one who has to tell you this, but it seems your relatives have gotten themselves into a bit of a mess. Last week they were apprehended and searched by both Ministry Aurors and Muggle law keepers. I believe they're known as...oh what was the word Mundungus used...colice? No that's not it...kaleese? No...no, that's not right either...I think it may have been Khaleesi. Yes, I'm sure he mentioned that at some point. Something about fire and dragons too. And the looming prospect of winter. Winter is coming, as I'm sure you know. I think I might have seen some snow recently. That always means Christmas is coming soon too. Anyway, does that sound right?"

It was taking all of Harry's self-control to not fall to the ground and laugh hysterically, both from the Dursleys' predicament and Dumbledore's botching of Muggle terms. Slowly turning to Hermione, who appeared to be in a similar predicament, Harry (in a very strained voice) answered, "Yes, Professor, I think that sounds right."

Albus noticed the boy's strained voice and tense body language. It seemed that the boy was taking this even harder than he'd anticipated. So full of love, that boy. He had to know, though. Even if that knowledge was painful for him. Albus would break it as gently as he could.

"It seems that the Aurors were under the impression that Sirius Black was hiding in Number 4 Privet Drive. Now, you and I both know that the idea is preposterous, but nonetheless something led the Ministry to believe he was hiding there. Quite the unfortunate coincidence, if I may say. Apparently your Uncle, Harry, started yelling about freaks and tried to attack the Auroros with an extremely bent-up Muggle deathstick. I'm not sure what all happened after that, but I do know that it took a few days for your relatives to be recovered and obliviated. Apparently something happened to them that Obliviation couldn't heal, so they're now being treated in a Muggle care area."

"And the Muggles, Professor?" Harry asked, desperately trying not to laugh.

"Yes, yes," Dumbledore continued, nodding, "though I'm afraid I don't quite understand Muggle customs, so I'm not sure exactly what the problem was. Apparently, your relatives were hoarding a bunch of heroines. Why it's illegal for a Muggle to have female heroes in their houses, I don't really know. They're very strange, those Muggles. Anyway, there were heroines under the floorboards and a whole bunch of them in the cupboard under the stairs. The house, I do believe, was in a very poor state once the Muggles were done. However, I'm told that a lot of newly grown weeds were in the daisy and rose gardens and that they were removed as well. I can't think of any type of weed that is illegal for Muggles, so perhaps they were doing your relatives a favor after tearing up the house. Anyway, Harry, the bottom line is that your relatives are now spending time in a Muggle care and your childhood home has been devastatingly damaged."

Harry took a few deep breaths, trying to keep calm and not burst out laughing even more. It seemed Sirius had definitely done a lot more at Privet Drive than just pretend he'd been there. Harry didn't remember the Dursleys ever having 'heroines' and 'weeds' before, though he certainly wasn't complaining with how things had turned out for them. He'd have to get Sirius something really nice for Christmas this year.

Before Harry could decide on the perfect 'thank you' gift, Dumbledore asked, "Now, what was it you wanted to speak to me about, Harry?"

"Oh...yeah, that. See, Hermione and I wanted to go to Gringotts to figure out a bunch of legal stuff. The marriage, emancipation, stuff like that. We want to get an idea of what this will mean for us and how we can make it official. Plus, we need to straighten things out with money and Houses and all that." Harry knew he hadn't exactly put things in the most eloquent way, but, in his defense, it's hard to talk about what you don't know, especially when you don't completely know what it is you don't know. "We'd like to visit during the next Hogsmeade trip. The only problem is that we don't know how to get ourselves to Gringotts." Hermione nodded, confirming what Harry had said.

Albus nodded, brow furrowing as his great mind searched for an answer. A broomstick would be too chilly a ride. Apparition hadn't been taught to the emancipated students yet. The thestrals were on strike. Madame Maxime's carriage was currently in France and even then it was only insured for one driver. Karkaroff was dead, and his boat probably wouldn't be available for some time. And Hagrid's motorcycle was in the shop. That left only one reasonable option.

"I suppose," Dumbledore ventured, inwardly grinning at Harry's and Hermione's captivated expressions, "that if you were to wear multiple layers of socks to protect yourselves from the cold, and if you had a vast storage of lemon drops as fuel, hypothetically you would be able to-"

Dumbledore's suggestion was interrupted by a loud clanging sound as his bowl of lemon drops crashed to the floor. Those were the consequences of trying to balance a bowl on the edge of one's desk in order for the bowl to be reachable while one was reclining. One of the many House-elves of Hogwarts entered with a *POP* to clean up the mess.

Hermione gasped. "Professor, couldn't a House Elf bring us to Gringotts? We wouldn't even have to go to Hogsmeade because they can travel in and out of Hogwarts!"

Seeing Harry's question glance, she added, "There would be no problem with, for instance, asking Dobby to help us as long as it is his choice and he does it by his own free will instead of as servitude."

Dumbledore sighed. "Though I like my idea better, it would indeed work for you to use Dobby to help you travel. That way is probably faster anyway, since I'm not sure we could procure the necessary items very easily. You have my permission to go, assuming you do not miss anything of much importance and at least one other person knows where you are and when you are going."

"Thank you, Professor," Hermione answered. "If that's all, then I think we'll see ourselves out."

Dumbledore nodded. "Good day to you two. I hope your trip proves beneficial. By the way, I heard about the unfortunate incidents with Professor Bumridge."

Harry gulped. "I see, Professor."

"Anything you'd like to say, Harry? Is something wrong"

"Umm...no?"

"Alright then," Dumbledore sighed. "I just wanted to know what was with the delays recently. If everything's fine, though, I guess I'll just have to be patient. Your ideas have seemed to be a lot better then mine so far anyway for that woman."

Hermione stared wide-eyed at Dumbledore. The Headmaster, realizing he may have said too much, ushered them out. Besides, now it was time to yet again devote his mind yet again to the miraculous mysteries of the universe. If he completed the lemon drop and sock hybrid, he could then give it to his staff for Christmas. Minerva, especially, would be absolutely delighted. Albus was sure of it.

* * *

Vernon Dursley sat in his new bed. He had lost quite a few pounds since being brought in. That alone would make him near unrecognizable to most of his co-workers and neighbors. Add to that the pale complexion, deer-in-the-headlights stare, and the uncontrollable nose twitching, and Vernon was a practically a new man. Not the most intelligent or good-looking of men, it had to be admitted, but Vernon had never been known for either of those traits before the incident anyway.

Dr. Simon Coddic inspected his new patient. No one could explain why the man was acting this way. Apparently, he would only eat vegetables such as carrots or lettuce. Anything else wouldn't even be considered. This was especially odd since all signs pointed to the fact that this man probably hadn't touched a vegetable in his life prior to the trauma. The doctor had spent many hours inspecting this man, but he couldn't come up with any logical conclusions. Maybe it was time for a second opinion. He pulled out his phone and dialed the secretary's number.

"What do you need, Si?"

"I was wondering if you could send my new intern up here to take a look at one of our three new patients."

"Amanda? Why?"

"I thought maybe a new person in the room could help. It's always nice to have second opinion, too. We still don't know anything more about this man or his condition. Maybe Amanda Huggenkiss will bring Vernon Dursley back to his senses and help him face the truth."

"I'll send her up. By the way, I think you should have a look at the woman who came in with him. I heard Mike Rotch say she was having complications."

Hanging up the phone, Si moved on to see what had changed with Vernon's wife, Petunia, who was suffering similar symptoms. However, unlike Vernon's blank stare, Petunia seemed to be suffering from a panic attack.

"Petunia, I'm Si Coddic. I'm in charge of your well-being here. What's wrong? What do you need?"

For some reason his presence only seemed to make her even more frightened. It was time to send her an expert. The doctor knew of the perfect person, who specialized in calming frightened patients. He reached for his phone and called the secretary again.

"Figured out what's wrong?"

"Not yet. It's going to take more than just me, though."

"Who do you have in mind?"

"We need Oliver Clozeshoff. That should help improve her mood."

"I'll call him right now."

Dr. Coddic smiled. This job could sometimes be pretty stressful. It was a good thing he had such a great staff to help him out. He decided to visit Vernon once more. Maybe Amanda could provide some insight.

Before she checked on Vernon, Amanda decided to see how Vernon and Petunia's boy, Dudley, was doing. Dudley, like his father, had lost a lot of weight. Thankfully, besides being unable to move, Dudley seemed to be improving the most. Amanda had heard co-workers say he could even speak again. However, apparently what came out wasn't very nice.

Dudley had recently requested to change from his bed to a sofa so he could see the TV better. The company had gotten a great deal from Sofa King, the best seller on the market, and the boy's wish was easily made a reality. Amanda walked over to the young Dursley and smiled kindly.

"Are you happy with the room, Dudley? Are you feeling better today?"

"Sofa King good," Dudley muttered.

Amanda was stunned. "Dudley, words like that are not tolerated here. I don't care what you got away with before. Understand?"

Dudley looked very confused.

"I'm sure your parents wouldn't want to hear words like that coming from their little boy. Now, who's your nurse?"

"Hugh Jass."

Moments later, Amanda stormed out of Dudley's room. The nerve of some people! She didn't care what kind of trauma he'd been through. She didn't feel the least bit of regret for slapping him. Now her hand did hurt a bit, though. Plus the slap hadn't affected Dudley much. However, Amanda certainly scared him when she said she'd bring in Petunia with Oliver Clozeshoff. Must have been a mommy's boy. Though him crying and begging to be blinded seemed a bit of an overreaction. Oh well. Turning her head and looking at her posterior, Amanda decided that maybe it was time to hit the gym.

Dr. Coddic was again with Vernon. For whatever reason, something had gotten through to Vernon. He was in great stress, and a vein was pulsing in his forehead. It was quite purplish, which was very impressive. Vernon was whispering, almost as if he were trying say something.

"Go on, Vernon," the doctor encouraged, "You can do it!"

"Pot..." murmured Vernon quietly.

"What was that?"

"Pot…"

Coddic remembered that Vernon's records had written about how the man had been growing extensive amounts of pot in his garden. It was assumed that he had been selling it, though it was unknown how widespread the business was. Authorities were still tracking it, but the stuff was all over the place and very hard to track. Almost like magic.

"I'm sorry, Vernon, but your pot has been taken away. You can't sell that anymore. There are alternatives, you know, to using that substance."

This seemed to stress Vernon even further. The vein looked like it was ready to explode.

"Pot...Pot...POTTER!"

* * *

 **/:Note:/ Well, it took a while, but another chapter is up. Sorry about the wait. Between writer's block, rewrites, and data corruption, things weren't exactly in my favor. I hope you liked this chapter. Sorry for the lack of much plot, but it's kind of a transition chapter to more stuff. I also just wanted to get something out to let you guys know I'm still alive. Just a tip: always try a name out loud before naming a child, pet, or toy. Anyway, as usual, please leave a review/PM/whatever and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!**


	12. Gringotts

**/:Note:/ You know, at this point I'm just going to stop with all the excuses and just admit. I'm really lazy, and I get writer's block a lot. There. I'm guessing that's not too big of a reveal, but just thought I'd come clean. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you guys are tired of me apologizing for being slow, and I am sorry about that….yeah you all hate me. I'd hate me too. However, I had some new inspiration (read: my life got really, really boring) and I thought I'd revisit this story. I had to read it through again to make sure I was remembering everything right, so if there are any discontinuities, please let me know. Also, I had a bunch of "What kind of drugs was I on when I wrote this" moments, so if it seems like I'm just shoving certain parts of the story into a shady corner, then I probably am. I'm taking a slightly different path for this story than what initially intended, so hopefully it doesn't show. Anyways, thanks to all of you who have patiently (or not so patiently) waited, and to you new viewers out there I also thank you.**

* * *

With a loud *CRACK* two teenagers and a house elf appeared onto the cobbled street of Diagon Alley. Fortunately, the streets weren't nearly as crowded as they tended to be right before term started. However, the sudden noise and appearance of people startled a young boy standing nearby. Unfortunately, said boy had been holding an ice cream cone from Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, which he promptly dropped onto the ground and began to cry.

"Harry!" Hermione scolded. "Look what you did!"

"Me?" Harry asked indignantly. "Why's it my fault?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and smiled. "Well, let's see. Who would surprise a young magical child the most with his or her sudden appearance? Hmmmm….could it be me? The plain-looking Muggleborn witch? Dobby, the House Elf standing behind me? Or could it be Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, Story-Tale-Come-To-Life….I wonder."

"Oh come on!" Harry sighed. "It's probably just our sudden appearance. I mean, it's not like he would…" Harry's words trailed away as he noticed the child's eyes, which were fixed upon his forehead. Harry sighed and wished how it'd be nice, just once, if people stared at his forehead because of a zit or something normal like that. But nope. That was a luxury he couldn't afford.

"Dobby, you can return to Hogwarts," Harry informed the elf, turning to look at him. "We'll call you back when we're ready to leave."

"Of course, Master Harry Potter! Dobby is terribly sorry for bringing yous in the wrong place! Dobby will of course-"

"No, Dobby. You're fine. If it's anyone's fault, it's ours for telling you to bring us here."

"Master Harry Potter is so gracious! Dobby will-"

"Goodbye, Dobby," Harry interrupted gently, grinning at Hermione, who just shook her head.

"Yes, farewell Master Harry Potter, sir! Dobby will see yous soon!" With a *POP* Dobby was gone, leaving the couple with a crying child and no potential parents in sight. Hermione decided to take charge, walking over to the boy.

"There's no need to cry, it's just spilled ice cream. I'm sure we can get you some more, though why you're eating ice cream at this time of year is beyond me. Honestly, I don't know why-"

Unfortunately, Hermione's attempts only brought more tears, and she realized she had just made the situation worse. Harry figured that maybe he might as well give it a shot since it didn't look like he could make it worse. If he did, he could always subtly suggest to Hermione that they run away.

"Hi, uh, my name's Harry Potter. What's yours?"

The effect was nearly instantaneous. Within moments, the boy's tears were gone and, though still a bit nervous, he was staring with amazement at Harry, all thoughts of ice cream forgotten. "My name's Vinny," he shyly answered.

The huff to Harry's left indicated that Hermione was a little bit jealous over his apparent newfound gift with children. Harry smiled. He could live with that.

"What are you doing all alone?" Harry asked kindly, glancing around for anyone who might be the boy's mother.

"I...I was...mommy said...meet at," Vinny tried to explain, but his eyes were growing misty and Harry could tell that it wouldn't be long before the boy's tears returned. He decided to try and change the subject.

"Well, why don't we just wait here together until she comes back?" Harry asked.

"I'll get you another ice cream cone," Hermione added, walking off in the general direction of Fortescue's.

"So…" Harry began, trying to think of something to talk about that didn't involve his fame or any ordeals with Dark wizards, which would definitely scare the kid, "do you like Quidditch?"

Encouraged by Vinny's enthusiastic nodding, Harry smiled. "I might have a story or two for you."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, a very panicked witch burdened with numerous shopping bags rushed over to the trio. "Oh, Vinny, thank Merlin you're here!" Vinny rushed into her arms, and the two embraced. Turning to Harry and Hermione, she added, "Thank you so much for staying with him! I told him to wait outside the Apothecary because he didn't want to go inside due to the smell, but he must have wandered off at some point since when I came out he was gone! I don't know how I can-" The woman's frantic chatter died out as her gaze went from Harry's green eyes to his messy black hair, resting finally on the partially-covered scar upon his forehead.

Not wanting to make things awkward, Harry extended his hand outward. "Harry, ma'am. Harry Potter. Pleased to meet you. This is my, uh, my wife Hermione."

The woman hesitated a moment before smiling and extending her own hand. "Bethany Henderson. And trust me, Harry, the pleasure's all mine."

Turning to look at the two teens in front of her, Bethany frowned slightly. "I'm sorry, but did you say Hermione was your wife? Aren't you two a little young for…?"

"Hermione and I were paired up thanks to the, shall we say, 'encouragement' of some new laws courtesy of the Ministry." Harry explained. Hastily Harry added, "Not that I'm complaining, I mean! Luckiest thing that's ever happened to me!"

Both witches laughed. "I see someone's been learning a lot this school year," Bethany noted before becoming a bit more serious. "Let me tell you, there have been more complaints, law disputes, and other legal issues in the past six months than in the past two decades combined! First it was all the deaths of the Death Eaters and their holdings, then funding for the plague cure, then funding for the reproductive research, and now we've got these new laws that have nearly everyone in a tizzyl."

Bethany shook her head. "My husband's a lawyer, you see," she explained. "So he gets to sort through all of this nonsense. Every day he comes home with more horror stories and tired rants, how so-and-so is contesting somebody's will, or how one company is refusing to adequately help with research, or how this family is fighting the new marriage laws or trying to get a better ranking for their child. The Ministry's take on baby-making creates even more problems."

Bethany sighed. "One normal dinner conversation, that's all I'm asking for. Sorry, I didn't mean to bore you with all that. I'm just happy that things worked out for you two. Though if you ever need a good lawyer, let us know." Shuffling around through her robes, she eventually pulled out a professional-looking card. "Philip has a degree from Cambridge and Legisperitus, the magical Law school in Sweden, so he's qualified to help with both muggle and magical cases. Our Floo address is on there or you can just use an owl if you ever need to contact us."

Hermione smiled, taking the card. "Thank you very much. If we ever need anything from that department, you'll be the first ones we contact."

"No, thank you," Bethany replied, shaking her head. "I was worried sick about Vinny, but it looks like he was in good hands. I can tell that you two will make wonderful parents when the time comes."

"Bye, Harry! I can't wait to see you in the professional leagues when I'm older!" Vinny shouted as he and his mother strode away. Harry, blushing like mad, waved back, though he made sure not to look at Hermione as he did so.

Things stayed awkward for a minute or so before Hermione asked, "You, um, aren't hoping to have kids any time soon, are you?"

"No!" Harry immediately answered, loudly enough that passers by turned momentarily. "I mean," Harry explained, lowering his voice a bit, "maybe in a few years or so, we could think about it. I've always wanted a big family. But no, definitely not until after Hogwarts at least."

"Good," Hermione sighed. "I feel exactly the same way. Let's just get to Gringotts. Even though we've still got plenty of time before we're supposed to be back, I get the feeling this meeting with the goblins won't be the pop-in-for-twenty-minutes-and-leave sort of ordeal."

"True," Harry answered, remembering how complicated even the bank statements had been. "Though, really, this is better than a Hogsmeade visit. Way more variety, and a lot more space and privacy too."

"Privacy?" Hermione smirked evilly. "Just what are you planning to do in private, Mr. Potter?"

"Oh, I don't know Mrs. Potter," Harry replied with the same tone. "This is our first outing together as a couple, after all. I think things will be simply magical."

* * *

"Well this is quite the mess," remarked the goblin Harry and Hermione were meeting with. "I'll need to consult some of the Senior Account Managers, but this could take a while to sort out."

"What was it you said before we got here, Harry?" Hermione asked. "'I think things will be simply magical?' Well, you were right in one, because I'll grant that the magical world is in a bit of a mess too."

When Harry and Hermione had arrived in Gringotts, a few words with one of the tellers had quickly gotten them ushered down a few stone hallways before ending up in the office of the Potter Account Manager, a goblin named Ripred. Unfortunately, as predicted by Hermione, the Potter accounts did not allow a quick and easy visit.

"Apparently," Ripred continued, "your father James never formally accepted the position of Head. His father, Charlus, was the most recent Lord Potter, and most of your family holdings and assets have not been touched since his death nearly two decades ago. Unfortunately, a lot has happened in that time, and we have roughly twenty years of paperwork to go through. Had you at least claimed your status as the Scion of House Potter, which you could have done since your 11th birthday, this would have been solved much more easily."

"Wasn't exactly my fault," Harry muttered. "Hagrid had just introduced me to the magical world. We were pretty much in and out within the span of an hour or so. I didn't even know who Dumbledore was at the time, much less my family history or the way Houses worked. Even now I barely know much at all."

"There is no excuse for ignorance," Ripred replied, briefly glancing up from a stack of documents to eye Harry before returning to the work.

"Oh come on," Hermione blustered indignantly. "You can't honestly blame Harry for all this paperwork!"

"You misunderstand, Mrs. Potter," the goblin replied, raising an eyebrow. "I would have thought someone of your reputation would be more understanding."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Someone of my...what are you talking about?"

The goblin's lips formed a tight, thin smile. "Though you husband is by far the more famous, you have received some recognition for your talent and accomplishments as well, Mrs. Potter. Humans tend to think of goblins as creatures of only greed and pride, valuing only money and power."

Ripred paused a moment to clarify. "Well, that is to say, we do, but it's much more complicated than that. I won't bother to explain the details of our history since I'm sure you've heard plenty of history already."

Hermione and Harry nervously glanced at each other, silently arguing about who should speak, before Hermione tentatively answered, "Actually, Ripred, we don't know all that much of history. Yours or ours."

Ripred's eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. "Ah yes. Binns. The old fool is relatively notorious to local goblins because of all the shit leaving the mouths of Hogwarts students. By Gorlog's teeth, he was a terrible teacher when alive. Now that he's dead, it's even worse."

With a sigh, Ripred continued, "Goblins value intellectual power higher than political or even physical. What good is a leader if he can't utilize his assets to their full potential? What good is a business if it can't use cunning and creativity to obliterate its competition? Strength and politics have their merits, of course, but intelligence reaps a far greater reward than a strong sword arm or a corrupt war council. And in answer to your original question, I do not blame Mr. Potter for this situation. It is what it is. However, I do wish to express that there is no good excuse for remaining ignorant of one's abilities or potential paths."

"But we've been too busy dealing with Voldemort or the Ministry every year so far!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Which should push you even further to deprive yourselves of ignorance," Ripred cooly replied. "Let me put it this way. Mr. Potter, even if we accept that you had no realistic way of learning more about what you had just been introduced to on your first day to Diagon Alley, what prevented you from returning? From seeking more information?"

"Hey, I read a good amount of my textbooks that last month-"

"Irrelevant."

"Well, I didn't have Hagrid so I couldn't get there. I didn't know any other students who could bring me either."

"You had your owl, did you not?" Ripred asked. "And your Hogwarts letter, signed by the Deputy Headmistress? Could you not have written to her, expressing a desire to return to Diagon Alley or to at least learn more of your culture or family before term? Orlock's beard, you had just learned how your parents were killed and you didn't even try to learn more about them!"

Harry looked at the floor. "Well, yeah, when you put it that way…"

"I am not trying to make you feel guilty, Mr. Potter. The past is past, and nothing we do can change that. At least, not yet. Or, for all we know, it has already been changed. Regardless, it's easy to look into the past and point out what could have been done better. That's the way the world works. However, I hope this encourages you to seek out information now. There is nothing any of us can do about the ignorance in our past. But we must also realize that we should have no excuse for the same ignorance in the future. Do you understand what I am saying?"

Harry and Hermione nodded. "Actually," Hermione added, "that's sort of what the point of this visit was."

Ripred nodded. "I figured as much; I just wanted to make sure you understood the needless danger ignorance brings. What you are taking here is a step a great many humans disregard completely, and for that I commend you."

After a slight pause to let all that information and advice set in, Ripred continued, "Well, now that that's all out of the way, I suppose it's time that we talked finances. Though I can't give you an exact amount until we complete all your paperwork and take some more time to do a more detailed inspection, the Potter family has nearly two hundred million galleons to its name in liquidable assets."

Harry and Hermione were both shocked. "T-t-two...hundred...million?" Harry stuttered in disbelief. "That's gotta be...what...close to a billion pounds?"

Ripred nodded. "A little less than that, but yes, that's the rough equivalent in Muggle money, as would be one-point-four billion dollars."

Harry sunk into his seat in awe while Hermione just gaped. "Why...when...how?" she gasped. "I mean, I know Harry's parents left him a decent nest egg for Hogwarts and that sort of thing, but that much?! Where did it all come from?"

Ripred smiled, though there was a gleam in his eye. "As I'm sure you'll find out when you've been updated on your family history," he gave Harry a meaningful look, "the Potters have always been quite crafty. A good mix of creativity, power, and intelligence, both within the bloodline and from those who married into the family. As such, though it isn't commonly known, many of the breakthroughs in human and general magical knowledge were made, in part at least, through the help of a Potter. Many well-known potions, including Wolfsbane and the Pepper-Up, were created by Potters. The Sneakoscope was developed by an in-law of the Potter family, and the team that produced the first modern Wardstone included several Potters. I could go on, but I think I'll leave figuring out that sort of thing to you. Needless to say, the Potter family has made a great deal of profit off of these inventions, and it also owns significant portions of some well-known companies. On top of that, as well as being very shrewd with their investments, the Potters have generally used very little of their money. Most worked in respectable careers despite not needing to, using only the interest from the accounts."

"I guess that makes sense," Harry commented. "I've heard a lot of people say how smart my mom and dad were. Plus, I think I'd still want a job even if I didn't need it for the money. That would just mean I'd pick one for how enjoyable it seemed, not how much it payed."

"Also, when one does not have to buy property or pay mortgages on it, that leaves a lot of room financially for other things," Ripred pointed out. "In addition to the Potter Manor, you own several smaller cottages, a few rental properties and flats, and a large preserve. The income from the rental properties isn't a whole lot, but it does pay for all your property taxes with still a considerable portion left."

Hermione nodded, turning. "I was wondering about where we would live while not in Hogwarts. After all, now that the Dursleys are locked up you don't officially have a place to stay."

"A cardboard box under a bridge would be more homely than rooming with them," Harry added. "Plus the smell would be an improvement."

"Is there any way we can get some detailed information about Harry's family, or magical culture in general?" Hermione asked. "Having both been Muggle-raised, we don't really know all that much about the magical world besides Hogwarts, especially relating to what's available to us now that we're emancipated."

Again, Ripred sighed. "This may sound hypocritical, but goblins don't take the time to learn much about humans beyond what directly applies to Gringotts and laws pertaining to our activities. If I were you, I would contact one of your Ministry employees, someone you trust. As for your family, I'm sure there is plenty you could learn about your parents and maybe your grandparents by consulting with people who knew them, mainly teachers and friends. Further along the family tree than that, you will find more trouble. The Potter family has always been somewhat secretive. One example of this is the manor: its location is a closely guarded secret, known only to the Potters themselves and a few trusted friends. Even then, most cannot reveal the location to others without their Lord's approval. I expect a more detailed family history would be available at Potter Manor."

"But how can I get there if no one is allowed to tell me where it is?" Harry asked. "I don't even know where it is, and I'm a Potter."

"It will take some time to prepare the materials and documents. Your early emancipation complicates things immensely. However, by the end of December, in perhaps two or three weeks, we should have everything set for you to perform an Inheritance ritual and claim the title of Lord Potter and your position as Head of House Potter. When this succeeds, the Family Ring will be called to you. It contains a great deal of information, magic, and is also a Portkey to your manor. I'd assume you would like to do this as soon as possible, correct?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes, that would be ideal. House Rings are quite the pieces of work, I've heard. Supposedly the rings of the older houses were crafted with methods long forgotten now, so they're quite powerful and useful. Is there anything else we can do now?"

Ripred shook his head. "As of now, the only things available to you are more records. Most of your assets have been frozen until a new Head takes over. I can have most, if not all, of the paperwork ready for you to approve and sign by the time you're here for the Ritual. Other than that, nothing is really different for you yet. I do recommend learning more about your race's potential history and possibilities, and I might recommend purchasing anything you've been wanting or needing. As you might guess, price isn't much an obstacle for you. The trust vault Mr. Potter has been using still has a considerable amount of gold left, and within a month you won't need it anyway, since you should have complete access to the main one."

Harry and Hermione rose from their seats in unison, bowing their heads to the goblin in front of them. "Thank you for all your help, Ripred. We'll be sure to follow your advice. We hope this relationship will be a profitable one."

Ripred grinned. "I look forward to our next meeting, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. If your heritage and achievements are anything to go by, you're going to make the world an interesting place for all of us. And, if you're ever interested, Gringotts is always looking for talented Curse-Breakers or Runemasters. Trust me, the rewards would be profitable for everyone."

* * *

"Well," Hermione remarked as they walked down the steps of the Gringotts building, "that was informative. We may not have learned what we initially came here for, but I'd say we certainly got a lot out of that visit. You're a billionaire, Harry!"

"No," Harry answered, shaking his head and smiling, "we're billionaires. This is your family too now, Hermione. I...I know it's a bit weird, us getting together so quickly, but I meant what I said earlier. This really has been the luckiest thing that's happened to me."

"Even luckier than Voldemort conveniently blowing himself and his Death Eaters up just because Wormtail messed up a potion? I mean, really, what are the chances of that?"

Harry paused for a moment before replying. "You know, I really hope you're not looking for anything deeply romantic or witty, because I've got nothing. You're right. That one might just take the cake."

Hermione good-naturedly hit him on the arm. "Prat."

"Hey, it's your own fault for bringing it up. That's what you get for being a know-it-all."

Hermione was about to voice her own cleverly-worded retort when she paused, her mouth open for a moment before she slowly closed it. Her lips drew back into a smile, but the glint in her eyes scared Harry a little.

"The last time you had a look like that, Rita Skeeter got locked up in a jar. What is it? You're the one who brought up the luck thing. That wasn't me, so you don't need to retaliate for that."

Hermione just smiled even more. "Oh, no, Harry I was just thinking. We've got plenty of money, so having a nice big wedding shouldn't be a problem at all."

"Oh." Harry gulped. It was worse than he feared. The only thing to make it worse would be…

"So I think we should see my parents pretty soon. After all, you'll have to officially ask for my hand."

"Oh sweet Merlin what did I do to deserve this?" Harry lamented, looking up to the heavens and praying for a sweet, sweet bold of lightning.

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen," Hermione scolded. "They already know who you are, I've said plenty about you in my letters over the past 5 years. Really, it's a wonder you haven't met them already, even without our relationship. Plus we'll need their help planning the wedding. It would be nice to have some Muggle elements, even if we can't really invite my relatives without causing a whole bunch of complications. I wonder where we should have it, especially since cost won't be an issue. We could empty your trust vault for the wedding and honeymoon, but then…"

This time it was Hermione who noticed something in Harry's eyes, which were darkly gleaming like emeralds in shadow. "What is it? You're not getting out of this Harry. What are you thinking?"

"Oh, I was just thinking how it kind of sucks for you to not be able to invite Muggle relatives," Harry answered, still smiling.

"You were not!" Hermione exclaimed. "It doesn't even matter, most of them are annoying or boring anyway. What is it?"

"Oh, you know, just thinking finances," Harry answered. "I think we can solve a couple of problems at once with this. After all, we've got plenty of money. I doubt we'd even empty out the trust vault, even for something big...or…"

"WHAT?"

"Oh, you know, the more the merrier."

Hermione was about ready to hex Harry into the middle of next week. She didn't know an incantation, and she didn't have a Time-Turner handy, but Morgana help her she'd invent the spell herself if she had to! "Harry," Hermione began, her jaw clenched, "what are you talking about?"

"The wedding."

"Yes, of course! But what specifically?"

Harry frowned. "I don't want to tell you just yet, since I'm not completely sure it will work. Why don't you head over to Flourish and Blotts? I need to make a few Floo calls."

"Who are you calling?" Hermione asked, now more curious than ever. This seemed to be bigger than just Harry trying to get out of a wedding.

"Well, first I need to talk to the Weasleys. Molly in particular, though I'll want Arthur's input too."

"Why them? What do they have to do with-"

"And I'll need that card."

"What card?"

"Mrs. Henderson's husband. The lawyer."

Hermione sighed, handing Harry the card, seeing that he wasn't going to give up the information as easily as usual. At least she could shop at Flourish and Blotts for a while. She hadn't gotten new books in at least a month. Ripred had suggested a bit of a shopping spree, after all. She decided to try for one last attempt: "Harry, you better tell me what this is about, or you won't be getting any fun tonight."

Harry smiled again, turning to walk away. They both knew that fun time was a group activity. When one of them was having fun, they both were, so Hermione's threat was quite empty. "What I can tell you, Hermione, is that the fun is just beginning."

* * *

 **What's this? Am I actually setting up plot or information? Weird. I'm trying to plan ahead at least a little, so hopefully that works out well. Thanks for reading and, as always, any input is appreciated. Later!**


	13. Floo Calls

"So let me get this straight," Arthur Weasley sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "After practically throwing herself at you and getting pushed back by Hermione, my daughter then proceed to initiate a mild blood feud, without the consent or notification of myself or my wife, which I don't even think should be possible, nevermind how incredibly stupid it is, that forces you to get her pregnant if you lose some prank war. Please tell me I've misunderstood something here?"

"Nope, you've pretty much nailed it, Mr. Weasley" Harry replied. He hadn't intended to explain the full situation, but one thing had lead to another and he really didn't want to lie to the Weasley patriarch. Thankfully, Mrs. Weasley was out of the house when Harry called. Molly Weasley was like a mother to him, but Harry preferred his eardrums not exploded, thank you very much.

Arthur sighed again. He shouldn't have been too surprised. He'd known about Ginny's crush on Harry Potter since before he'd even met the boy. Why Molly had thought reading her all those children's books about the "Boy-Who-Lived" was a good idea he'd never know. Though in truth, the books hadn't been half bad story-wise. The homemade Harry Potter quilt might have been a bit much though. And the Hairy Potter Shampoo. And the Harry Potter "Pot your own flowers" gardening set. Not to mention the Harry Potter Porta Potty. Molly had assured him that it was just a phase, but Arthur was beginning to think they might have pandered to their youngest daughter a bit too much. When one's youngest child of seven is your only daughter, it's a bit hard not to dote.

"I'll talk to her as soon as I can," Arthur eventually replied. "As her Head of House and her father, I think I can pretty much force her to forfeit this troublesome feud. Even if she won't budge on it, I'm almost positive as Head of House Weasley I can have the whole thing thrown out. I'm not entirely familiar with this specific type of feud, but I would think it shouldn't be too different from other minor feuds declared. Believe it or not, this issue of children trying to declare feuds happens more than you might think, especially when those children have grown up in powerful families and think they can do whatever they want."

"Malfoy?"

"Malfoy."

Harry grinned, though Mr. Weasley just looked more tired than amused. "Actually, Mr. Weasley, while that's good to know, I'm hoping that such tactics won't be necessary. I'm planning on meeting someone else for help in that regard. The main reason I called you...well, there were actually two reasons, but the second would benefit from Mrs. Weasley's presence...anyway, I was hoping you could maybe tell me a bit about being a Head of House. You see, Hermione and I just visited Gringotts, and one of the main things we were talking about was how I'll soon be assuming my positions of Lord and Head of House Potter. Neither Hermione nor I knows much about this sort of thing, since we were both Muggle-raised. We plan to do plenty of research regardless, but I was wondering if you had any advice or information you think might be helpful."

Arthur nodded. It was about time that Harry started coming to terms with and preparing for the responsibilities he had as the only remaining member of an Ancient and Most Noble House. Why Dumbledore had insisted that the boy didn't need to worry about any of that he would never understand. The Headmaster had claimed that Harry needed to enjoy his childhood. Arthur knew that most Heirs to important houses typically had a lot of pressures forced on them from a young age, but surely such duties and lessons would pale in comparison to Harry's fame and his numerous encounters with He-Who-...Voldemort.

"Being the Head of a House is a very big responsibility, Harry," Arthur answered. "The Head of House is expected to care for all members of a house, acting almost as a secondary guardian. Since you don't currently have family members depending on you, that won't really be an issue, at least for a while yet. However, another one of your duties will be to manage or oversee the management of your house's finances, properties, businesses, and assets. Since the House of Potter is an Ancient and Most Noble House, you'll likely have a large number of things requiring your attention."

"Hold on," Harry interjected, "sorry to interrupt, but what do things like Noble and Ancient mean, exactly?"

Raising an eyebrow, Mr. Weasley scratched the back of his head and again sighed. "My apologies, Harry. I keep forgetting how little has actually been explained to you. I would really recommend finding some books on politics and history of the magical world to get a bit more of an idea of the world you and I are living in. A knowledge of these things will be especially important once you assume your lordship. Keeping close ties with Ron and especially Neville would be good ideas as well, since they are much more versed in wizarding culture and law. Neville might very well be in the same boat as you, actually, if he's been paired and emancipated also. He is the Heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Longbottom, a longtime ally of your house, though now or very soon he may also assume the position and title of Lord and Head of House. Back on track, though. An Ancient House is one that has been an independent house for over a millennium, while the added prefix of "Most" is added when the house has existed for 1500 years or more. The House of Ollivander, in fact, has nearly reached a status of _Most_ Most Ancient. Not the most eloquent or clever of titles, granted, but that's another matter. The title of "Noble" for a house is given when that house has performed numerous acts of valor benefitting the magical world. The House of Potter has been well known for its contributions to the wizarding world throughout its existence, and quite recently gained the status of "Most Noble." The efforts of you and your parents against V...Voldemort were considered the final push for the title's acquisition. Most thought it was deserved as early as a few centuries ago. Again, though, that's another matter that I don't think we need to get into now."

"I hadn't even thought about Neville's position," Harry muttered, more to himself than to Mr. Weasley. "But that's true. He probably is in the same position as me since he got paired up with Hannah. I'll have to ask him for his advice the next time I see him."

"One thing I would especially recommend," Mr. Weasley continued, "would be to start getting more acquainted politically. As Lord Potter, you will have a seat and a vote in the Wizengamot. The plague shifted power somewhat, so that means that your participation will be especially important. It would be a good idea to start reforging alliances with old Potter allies, as well as looking to make some new ones. Don't just mingle with Gryffindors, either. A lot of the kids in other houses, especially ones in your year, have strong and important political ties."

Harry nodded. That made a lot of sense, especially since a lot of powerful, old families had been headed by now-dead Death Eaters. One thing nagged in his mind regarding the Ministry and politics, though.

"Mr. Weasley, I don't know if you've heard yet, or not, but we have a new professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts. She's supposedly from the Ministry with its approval, but I don't see how anyone could possibly-"

"Bumridge?"

Harry nodded.

Again, Arthur Weasley sighed heavily. "I've met the woman several times, and in my opinion there are very few who would make a worse instructor. But if you're asking about her views on...human reproduction, well unfortunately she is indeed speaking for the Ministry, or at least Fudge." Arthur rolled his eyes. "The very idea of their position is downright absurd. Anyone with an ounce of common sense could tell you that meditation or some sort of magical bond won't successfully produce a child, at least as it's been currently approached. Sure, you've got a few nutjobs who claim the technique has worked, but no one ever took them seriously. Actually, this theory has in fact been around for a long time. One of the magical world's most influential early thinkers, Anita Neujobb, hypothesized that, since magic separated us from the mundane, her term for Muggles, then perhaps there was a method of reproduction magically that was also separate from the 'mundane' way. This idea has since been reintroduced into magical society many times throughout the centuries. Recently, it has resurfaced again, and many in the Ministry, including Fudge, are latching onto for two reasons. The first is that some have hypothesized that, since the fertility of magical folk was targeted by the magical plague, sexual intercourse is somehow connected and its practice could somehow bring forth a new outbreak. That the plague was channeled by the Dark Mark, not a sexual act, seems to have escaped their notice. The second is that, if a new form of reproduction does exist, then magical folk might be able to reproduce in this way, negating the need for all this 'repopulation' by younger people and helping keep powerful houses from dying out."

"But they're seriously going to try and force those new ideas on us? Even if this new method were a thing, do they actually think they're going to stop horny teenagers from having sex?" Harry angrily replied, blushing when he realized who he was talking to.

Arthur merely chuckled. "I was young once too, Harry, and I agree with you. Unfortunately, any attempts to get the Minister to see some sense have been unsuccessful. Now, is there anything else you'd like to ask about or know? I don't know if you heard, but Molly just got back, if that affects what you'd to say or not say-"

"Arthur, who are you-" Harry heard Molly's voice calling out for her husband. "Oh there you are. Hello, Harry! I hope you're well. How's school going?"

Arthur grimaced. "Harry was just, um, filling me in on some interesting items of note, but I think it'd be better for me to just tell you later so he doesn't have to repeat himself."

Harry inwardly sighed with relief. He definitely did not want to be around when Mrs. Weasley heard about her daughter's most recent actions. "Actually," Harry answered, both Weasleys turning toward him expectantly, "there is one more thing I could use some advice on. You see, Hermione wants us to get married…"

* * *

"Well, I'm glad to see you looking well, Harry. I hope everything at Gringotts went smoothly. When it gets busy there, the goblins tend to be a tad irritable. Anyway, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call? Since you went with our home Floo address, I'm hoping that you're not in any legal trouble, but given all that you've had to deal with already I would admit that I wouldn't be overly surprised."

Harry chuckled. She had a point. Sometimes it felt like he was the living example of Murphy's Law. "Well, Mrs. Henderson, I will admit that though I would appreciate your husband's advice on a few matters, I wouldn't say that I'm currently in trouble, so to speak. More just hoping for a professional opinion on the feasibility of a few ideas."

"Well, that's fine. And please, call me Bethany. Philip should be arriving home any minute now. How's Hermione?"

Harry smiled. "She was fine the last time I saw her. Right now she's in Flourish and Blotts, no doubt accumulating a giant stack of books that, if not for magic, I'm sure I'd be stuck carrying out."

Bethany laughed. "Yes, magic really does help solve a lot of problems. A shame that many tend to rely on it so heavily, though. It's amazing what people can forget when they're so accustomed to using magic to do things for them. Both my husband and I are Muggleborn, and we want to make sure that Vinny doesn't take for granted the world he's been born into."

Harry nodded. He'd noticed that too, and when he had a child he'd want to ensure the exact same thing. Another thing stuck out to him though. "Bethany, you said you and your husband were both Muggle-born, right?"

She nodded. "Yes, it can be a hassle at times to stay connected with family, but we do our best. What about...oh….I see." Bethany smiled, with a knowing look in her eye. "Yes, I think my Philip will be able to help you with that quite nicely, if I'm assuming what you're here for correctly."

Harry nodded, smiling. Her husband may be the lawyer of the family, but Bethany had a sharp mind as well.

"What am I helping with now?" came an articulate, well-projected voice.

Philip Henderson was not a tall man, but his posture, stance, and sense of authority made him seem much larger. He had short brown hair combed in such a way that he seemed to be both formal and casual, and he was dressed smartly in what seemed a combination of a suit and the traditional robes of the magical world. It looked impressive, and Harry made a mental note to look for something similar. It looked much better than any dress robes he'd seen.

"This is Harry, dear. The one I told you about while we were having lunch earlier."

"Harry Potter, sir." Harry added. "I'd offer my hand, but…" Harry looked meaningfully below at the fireplace. Shaking hands can awkward when you're only a disembodied head in a fireplace. True, he could stick his hand through, but that still wouldn't make things any less weird.

The man chuckled warmly. "I can't fault you there, Mr. Potter. And please, call me Philip. I'll admit I was rather surprised when I heard of your meeting with my wife and son. Quite the fortuitous event, for sure! Now, what do you need help with?"

"Then by all means please call me Harry. And, well, there's actually two things I was hoping to ask you about," Harry answered. "The first," he continued, a bit hesitantly due to embarrassment, "well, you see, I was kind of tricked into entering into a contract with, shall we say, less than ideal terms."

Harry then proceeded to explain to the lawyer what had happened with Ginny. Philip patiently listened throughout, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"So, I was thinking that since Ginny changed the contract, and since she did it without consent of her Head of House, there should be a way to reverse this right? I mean, if it came to it, could we sue her to get the contract annulled?"

Philip shook his head, but for some reason he was grinning. "No, I'm afraid she's got you by the balls on this one." Anticipating Harry's groan, he added, "Sorry, couldn't resist. I am a father, after all. Those dad jokes aren't going to tell themselves. Anyway, unfortunately, her changing the contract doesn't matter since you signed the final one. A lot of shady businessmen operate that way, making certain lines invisible or with Notice-me-Nots placed on them. Many lawyers, including myself, have been trying to push for a new regulation system, since a great many of these conflicts waste everyone's time, especially ours. However, neither the Ministry nor the Wizengamot has budged on the issue. The Head of House's aid would probably work, though it could have complications of its own. However, I think there's a very important detail that both you and this Ginny seem to have missed."

Harry frowned. He couldn't think of anything they had missed.

"It's more of a potential loophole, actually. If you correctly told me the exact wording of the contract, you should be golden. Loopholes like this aren't surprising when a teenaged witch tries to write a legally and magically binding contract."

Harry's eyebrows scrunched together (making his scar look noticeably more funny in the process) as he thought. What had he and Hermione missed when looking at the contract? How could he get out of impregnating Ginny?

"Does it...does it have something to do with time?" Harry asked. "I know there will be magical compulsions and side effects if I resist, but if I don't actually resist but just put it off, I'm fine since there's no deadline?"

Philip smiled but shook his head like a person observing someone else trying to solve a riddle he told. "Not a bad theory, but it wouldn't work. Eventually, the compulsion would become so strong that you wouldn't be able to put it off any longer. Your magic and mind would actually start convincing you that it was a good idea to impregnate her. Here's a hint. What would you say it means if you are 'required and magically obligated to impregnate the issuer of said feewd'?"

Harry felt himself go red. "Um...well, it would mean that I have to...that is to say that we'd...I'd…"

"That you'd have to have sex with her, with the result being that your sperm fertilized her egg, causing her to become pregnant with your child," Philip supplied.

"Yeah, that," Harry agreed.

"Well, where does it say in the contract that you need to do that?"

Now Harry was confused. "Well, I have to get her pregnant, don't I?"

"You do," Philip nodded, making a 'go on' gesture with his hand. "But….?"

"But," Harry continued, racking his mind for something that they would have missed. What would Ginny not think of? Ginny was pretty young, and she'd grown up without knowing much at all about the Muggle world. So she didn't really know much about how Muggles could keep from getting pregnant with pills and other ways more complicated than your basic condom or 'strategic withdrawal.' But that would only matter if the contract was more along the lines of "Harry needs to have sex once with Ginny." But then again, Muggles also had ways of getting pregnant that-

"Artificial fertilization!" Harry triumphantly answered. "I don't actually need to have sex with Ginny. I can just donate some of my sperm and then have them artificially implanted!" While he normally wouldn't feel comfortable with someone basically going off with his sperm and having his kid, Harry knew Ginny and the Weasleys well enough that that wouldn't be an issue. In the very least, it meant he didn't have to have sex with Ginny, even if he still got her pregnant, technically.

Philip smiled. "Not bad. You're right, you could do it that way. But there's an even better way."

Harry frowned, once again confused. Philip relented with the guesswork, thankfully.

"You're right that it doesn't say how you need to get her pregnant, only that through your actions she becomes pregnant. However, does it mention specifically that she needs to become pregnant with your child?"

"No, but isn't it implied that-"

"In terms of a legal and magical contract, nothing is implied. Therefore, you would be fulfilling your task if you gave her anyone's sperm. Or if you arranged for someone else to have sex with her. Really, there are a number of ways you could go about it. She'd could then either still get pregnant, or retract her claim and you would be declared the winner of said feewd."

Harry's eyes widened in comprehension as the implications dawned on him. It was so simple! How had he no one noticed it before?

Philip smiled again. "If the look on your face is any indication, I believe this problem has been solved. That only leaves one more, yes?"

"Actually," Bethany chimed in, returning with a large envelope, "I don't think Harry needs much advice on the front. He just could use a bit of note sharing in regards to the guest list of our wedding. Am I right?"

Harry nodded, still not believing his luck. Philip was right. His run in with Vinny had been extremely fortuitous. Bethany handed Harry the envelope through the fire.

"This is a copy of how we planned out our wedding. I think it should help you solve the issue with inviting certain guests. Will that do?"

"This is wonderful. Thank you so much, both of you." Harry answered. "What do I owe you?" he asked, turning to Philip.

"Why, nothing at all, Harry," the lawyer answered with amusement. "After all, I didn't do anything, did I? I just gave you a push in the right direction! And of course, my lovely wife was the one who helped with your other concern."

"Sir, I recently discovered I had more money than I ever hoped," Harry argued. "I have no idea what I'm going to do with it all. Seriously, I want to repay you for your help."

"Again, Harry, I did nothing," Philip answered. "The kindness you showed my wife and son is more than enough. However," he added with a charmingly devious grin, "if you're really set on keeping me around, you could always put me in charge of some aspect of your numerous holdings or legal matters once your Lordship becomes official."

"I will definitely keep that in mind," Harry replied with a similar grin. 'Wait, how did you know about my Lordship?"

"Harry, your last name was pretty well known to the magical world even before you defeated Voldemort. The fact that your parents, the last known Potters, died when you were a baby leaves it pretty obvious who will be the next Lord Potter. Plus, the emancipation granted you by the laws that no doubt initiated your marriage allow you to assume the Lordship much earlier than you normally would. It's quite obvious, really."

Harry groaned. "I really need to get out more, don't I?"

Bethany laughed. "It might help. Who knows? Maybe next you'll run into the child of some famous Quidditch player and end up with an in for a professional Quidditch career!"

The three laughed as Harry said his goodbyes and exited the Floo. Harry couldn't help but just sigh in wonder. That had gone so much better than he had even dared hope!

* * *

"Well, it's about time!" Hermione exclaimed when Harry walked into Flourish and Blotts. "I thought you had abandoned me here for good!"

"Wow, wouldn't that be awful," Harry sarcastically answered, giving his wife a peck on the cheek while eyeing the stack of books taller than he was. "Maybe I'll have to save that for an anniversary present."

"Funny," Hermione answered, though in the back of her head wondering if he was kidding or not. Not that she minded. Truth be told, she'd had a marvelous time. She just couldn't resist giving Harry a hard time. Granted, normally when she made things hard for him he enjoyed it quite a bit. Harry also enjoyed her bits during those times, which she enjoyed as well.

"I try," he answered, taking a fake bow.

"By the way," Hermione added, "I talked to my mother briefly while you were gone."

"Oh?" Harry answered, hoping to sound casual while he tried to subtly avoid her gaze.

"Yup," she answered, not fooled for an instant. "Mum says that dinner will be ready for us by the time we get there."

"Oh that's nice," Harry replied as he loaded the books into one of the Feather-weighted, Self-Shrinking book bags that Flourish and Blotts provided its Premium Members with. Needless to say, Hermione had been a member of that group for quite some time now, and would be for a while longer with the new source of funding Gringotts had brought to light. It wasn't until he shouldered the bag and turned to see Hermione waiting for him at the door that his mind finally began to register the words that had last left her mouth.

"Wait, dinner? By the time we get….no...NO...HERMIONE WATI!"


End file.
